My DW has been in a rather dower mood as of late. Multitude of reasons. I asked her the other day if there was anything I could do to cheer her up. She said no, then asked why I was worried about it. I told her at the moment, I had been seeking and considering ways to approach her for sex for a few days, yet every time I tried to make some move, her mood was generally poor. She then told me “my being in a bad mood does not mean I can’t have sex.”
Well, from a physical standpoint, I guess she’s right. From an emotional standpoint, nothing could be further from the truth. I told her “no, it does preclude it because you would not be happy about it and I would know it.”
She later that evening came and apologized for her mood as of late and explained a little of what had been bothering her – which I already knew most of but at least she shared with me. Things are fine, we had sex later and now I know what she wants from me, at least somewhat, some of the time.
My question is what about “bad mood sex”? Is that something I should work toward pushing through with her? Or was my general choice of avoiding it more proper?
I remember when I used my bad moods to control things…. I still can let them get out of control. It’s interesting how a perspective shift and a choice can change things. Because now it’s on me to change it, not on others to adjust to my mood.
A couple of thoughts that goes with what others have said…
1) It’s good to talk with her about what’s got her in that mood or to see of there’s anything you can do to help her. If the issue is a relational issue between the two of you, work on reconciliation.
2) Don’t assume the worst and think she’s not willing or able to connect with you. Sometimes that may be exactly what the wife needs, even if she doesn’t immediately know it. And even of it isn’t what she needs, some of us can put ourselves aside to give to our husbands what they need…and then be on our way to a better mood.
Hmmm…this is so going to vary by person and really what is causing the bad mood. I’m LD, and I’ll just say for me.
Here is something I would appreciate if I was in a bad mood. DH asking how he could serve me (acts of service is a high love language for me), if there was something he could do to help out and take some stress off of me. Then asking if he could physically serve me. To me this would look a lot like taking me to the bedroom, stating there is NO pressure, laying out towels and giving me a very long massage. Expressing verbally how much he loves me. He could then ask me if he could make the massage more sensual. If my answer is no, I would not mind him asking if he could come inside me. I think if he has been sweet with his words and tone, at that point, I would be open to him coming inside me and giving him an orgasm. If I am up for a more sensual massage, that could then move to perhaps an orgasm for me.
I would say it depends so much on the person, the relationship, and the situation.
Personally I wouldn’t push for it nor would I avoid it. I would seek to soften the mood with patience and understanding and then let try to focus on something good and positive.
As others have said, this will be very different for each person, but for me, I sometimes find myself in a bad mood for no reason I can identify. He’ll ask; I’ll have no idea whatsoever. Other times, I will be grumpy because my DH has not made overtures to let me know he is fascinated by me and completely hot for me and wants to take me to bed and enjoy every part of me, (whether we are actually able to follow through or not is completely irrelevant; I want to know he wants it). My love language is words of affirmation–and he is not particularly confident in his skills at verbal wooing and tends to, well, not do it. So if I haven’t heard him say anything *specific* that he loves about me lately, I get moody.
LBD the only thing i can think of is besides taking it to the Lord AND approaching her in a kind manner and trying your best not to get defensive or angry is to sit her down and have a frank discussion (i think it’s been termed shot over the bow) that it’s unacceptable that this continue and there has to be some movement toward resolution. Pray her heart softens and that God convicts her that this is sin (and be sure to keep the plank out of your own eye, not easy to do) but i really do think that there needs to be a face to face and that she knows that somehow you need to come together….that this is a legitimate need you AND THIS MARRIAGE has and you would love for her to do her part in this. Find some way to discuss it different from what you have been doing. If it’s skirting around the issue, then face to face direct communication may be needed even if it causes her to be more moody or a blow up–usually when confronted with sin, a person will respond by getting worse until they think about it humbly (HOPEFULLY) and decide to change..
Now after dealing with the ill mood for over a week, I am reaching a point of concern for myself. It is leading to resentment on my part. Resentment I thought was on the way out. But what do you do? I’ve been told she does not want to talk about it. In fact was instructed not to ask her about her day. I can almost always assume that she is not needing to connect with me. She never needs that and will tell you so. Can she put herself aside? Not easily. She makes it very obvious that it’s best to leave her alone. The longer this current ordeal goes on and the further down the rabbit hole our country goes with this chicken little routine, the worse she gets – which is about to mean the worse I get.
Once again, I do not know the proper course. Every option is a blind alley with a trap somewhere alone the way. Some of them I may be setting up myself – I fully recognize that possibility. It is so frustrating. It seems I can never find a way to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, where or how I want to do it. The HDr/LDr dynamic is real and in force and there is simply no way around it. A bad mood just gives her ammo and excuse.
I had a really long answer here, and then looked again at your most recent response and now I think this last of what I wrote is probably the most pertinent. If not, I saved what I wrote and can still send it, but when I write answers, I am always listening in my heart for the Spirit’s guidance (not that I always hear or share perfectly, just that I actively try to pay attention) and I really feel like this is the better part to share.
“The longer this current ordeal goes on and the further down the rabbit hole our country goes with this chicken little routine, the worse she gets”
This sounds like anxiety severe enough to discuss with her doctor. There is help for that constantly anxious feeling. For an exercise in empathy, go to Pinterest and search for “anxiety”. My DD and I marvel at how spot-on some of those descriptions are, and how much better they express it than we are able to (even though we both love using words!) Maybe even show some of them to your wife and ask her if that’s how she feels. Maybe she can’t recognize how bad she feels because she has forgotten what it feels like to NOT feel anxious. Anyone who already has a tendency toward clinical anxiety will feel it exponentially worse right now. (Even faithful, believing Christians. It’s an illness, not a character flaw.)