How do you encourage your spouse to have more sex with you?
I believe the best way to encourage your spouse to have more sex with you is to focus on your relationship with her. Whether there is enough sex or not, most spouses want to have a better relationship. It is my conviction that the better the relationship, among other things, the better the chance of having a fulfilling marriage bed.
Second, mutual understanding is another way to increase the frequency and quality of sex. Most of us men don’t understand well enough what sex means to our wives or what kind of history, baggage, how they feel about their bodies, etc. they bring to our MB. Men struggle to grasp that typically a woman wants to feel closeness, intimacy, love, security, etc. in order to have sex with her DH. In addition, many wives do not understand how men view sex, how important it is for them, how they view sex as a means toward intimacy, how often they need/desire sex, etc.
Third, many people do not have God’s perspective on marriage, sex, and generosity in the marriage bed. Learning what God intended marriage, the marriage bed, true mutual intimacy, etc. to be often helps people desire to grow in that direction.
It is very good that you used the word “encourage” in your question. Encouragement is very important – through positive feedback, affirmation, giving assurance, compliments, etc. Many times DWs need to be given courage to step out and do what they are insecure about doing.
Lastly, pray. Pray for your DW and also for yourself and your marriage bed. God is ok with answering such prayers. And our early recognition that we need His help in our marriages and marriage beds is a healthy thing, and has a better chance of producing good results than many other tactics.
What do you also do to fill in the gaps when sex is not on the table? Many acts of service and kindness toward DW.
How it happened in our marriage ….
First the goal wasn’t about getting more sex, the goal was to change the marriage and build a new one. In fact, he had to take sex completely off of the table for it to work. That could have lasted up to 12 weeks (the time it took to get through the process/program) but it only lasted for 6 weeks.
When pasts were worked through, wounds were healed, forgiveness was given and received and we learned new ways to relate with each other, the whole environment of our home changed. A year later, the Holy Spirit convicted me and empowered me to change sexually.
Now, as others have said, understanding each other as men and women, and as unique individuals is a foundation. Then communicate, which goes both ways…talking AND listening.
To fill in the gaps…. pretty much masturbation and/or focusing on a hobby or a work that is fulfilling.
edited for clarification
Personally, I just ask. I will add that DW & I determined before we were married what are “sexpectations” were before marriage and we regularly discuss how we’re doing/enjoying our sex life. (A lack of sexual activity in the MB was a deal breaker for me in marriage and DW knew that.) I have the higher drive and desire between us, especially with DW in full blown early-onset menopause so it’s a matter of me asking, telling her what I want to do with her, so she’s thinking about/anticipating, planning for making love later.
Admittedly, DW has made a choice, especially during this season of hormones & life that she’s gonna serve me and our marriage bed, regardless of how she feels. She also knows that I can get twisted and then we tend to get sideways when we don’t make love for 3-4 days during the week, especially leading into my stressful days right now of Wed/Thurs; so even if it means a making time for a quickie mid-wk, that does wonders for me/us.
Fill in the gaps? The few times she’s had a period the last 39 months, we’ve made love during it either with manual or oral stimulation and even PIV (’cause a good soldier never turns away from a bloody battlefield :D). Again, this was a decision she’d made during our engagement, that there are other ways of making love during a period (which has been a RARE thing during our marriage) and she was more than willing to do so but not PIV…and then during one early on, she changed her mind about PIV period sex.
When we’re separated, it depends. This past wknd, I just waited till she came back so that my drive and desire for her was on overload. She would’ve been fine if I’d taken care of business myself. This next month we’ll be separated twice for a week each time and that’ll probably mean taking matters into my own hands with her help over phone/video. Hopefully, she’ll also join me with a toy that has brought her some great joy the past month! 😀
I will say that I believe that many frequency discrepancies with married couples is a spiritual matter. It could be brought on by consequences from early, premarital sexual play by a couple…spousal disobedience to Scripture…emotional abuse and disconnection…and selfishness by one or both spouses. Again, God has the ability to heal and change all those things if we are willing to address the emotional and spiritual issues individually and as a couple, honoring our vows and basing our actions & behavior on our marriage vows and not just our feelings.
Ultimately, emotional connection can and should let to great depth and frequency in the MB. With what I know & understand now, if I was in a different marriage (similar to my previous one), and despite my trying to serve and emotionally connect with my wife, and we couldn’t find resolution to MB issues, I would address the issue head on earlier with a Christian counselor, individually and as a couple. If movement didn’t occur, then I would probably put some boundaries and changes in place to make it difficult so that my spouse would face & address the issues involved and then co-create a solution. Most issues I see in couples surrounding sex issues are based on emotional and spiritual issues that if they can’t be resolved together, can and should be addressed with a professional Christian counselor. Maintaining the status quo doesn’t help the couple and many times delays an inevitable divorce, it allows for other distractions, distancing, and addictive or destructive behaviors to develop such as porn, alcohol, drugs, and affairs which create an even greater mess in one or both individuals.
DW and I have a standing (well, laying down) date every Saturday morning to have sex. Then, if time permits we shoot for at least one other sexual encounter some time during the week (PIV, HJ for me, shower). We also try to discuss how things are going sexually at least a few times a month. Mainly, it is me asking her to try more kinds of activities, discussing frequency, etc. She does not naturally discuss sexual matters, so I make it a priority to keep the discussions going in order to keep the love-making dimension of our marriage dynamic.,
My wife is LD and content with limited times of sex (once a week extended sex with once a week having a quickie). Another factor that can be a challenge is her uncertain work schedule. We can plan a normal night and one phone call can change the whole evening, where instead of getting up at 4:30 as normal she now has to get up at 2:30 and she has to cover a call-in looking at a possible 15-17 hour day. So that can mess up several days. We have discussed this as I am HD. My focus hasn’t been on what I’m missing out on but rather on how can I fulfill my wife’s need when it arises. I would love to have more sex in the week, but right now that’s not the goal. If I insist on more frequency I risk creating tension and frustration for both of us. Tension, irritability, resentment, bitterness, anger and the list continues of negative emotions even spilling over into actions that would become regrettable. In our discussions on the subject, she understands my desire for more frequency and has encouraged masturbation as a gap filler either alone or when she is present. She may be too tired to engage in sex but will enjoy watching or sometimes assisting. So we read and talk and occasionally will have sex more than twice in a week, but if it doesn’t happen I don’t let it become something I dwell on that can cause negativity between us.
DW & I have very similar drives, so it’s never been a problem., and pretty simple.
If one of wants sex, we say, ‘hey, I’m horny!’ Or, we just reach out, and grab the other. Or maybe, teach out and grab ourselves, and say ‘look at this!’ No sense being bashful and not acting on it.
Refusing, is not on either of our options list, so it works very well.
Having been the wife who was not eager for sex in my first marriage, it was not a pleasant experience for me physically or emotionally. Thankfully, my sweet husband decided to love me unconditionally during that dark time. He learned my love language and practiced how to love me sacrificial, he gave to me generously, served me cheerfully and he slowly melted my hard heart with Gods perfect love. That opened the door to talk about sex and we began working on the physical part of our sex life. Thanks to TMB we figured out how to make it pleasurable for me and he was a very generous lover. That opened up our relationship and we attended various seminars and really worked on improving our marriage relationship. Like others, the emotional component is critical for a woman. Our marriage bed was SO MUCH BETTER after we grew closer emotionally and spiritually.
The TMB site, Generous Wife blog and Generous Husband blog changed everything for us and got us on the road to recovery.
My first husband has passed on to glory and God has blessed me with a new husband. This relationship is very different. The incredible emotional depth and lack of anger has made our marriage bed phenomenal! I didn’t realize how much anger made it difficult to open up and trust and how much that influenced the bedroom activities. Being completely open and vulnerable necessitates trust and now that I don’t fear getting hurt, I don’t hesitate to get intimate. In fact I seek out intimacy as often as possible. I can be fully relaxed and the physical experience is over the top amazing! Pure unconditional love Is very, very powerful stuff!
For my wife and I recently, we have had more sexual play recently– some of it her pleasing me. This happened after I had a discussion with her about us really trying to please one another like we used to, and extended into other areas of our marriage besides the bedroom.