Here’s my story….
DH and I both grew up in Christian homes, but where the subject of sex, or anything to do with it, was off limits.
We grew up a couple days drive apart and met at the wedding of a mutual friend in our mid teens. We were married fairly young and have now been married over 20 years. We were each other’s first, in every aspect, and virgins when we got married.
We have several children, some of each. They are quite spaced out, so it seems we have every age group in our house.
We were very happily married for the first several years, with inlaw problems being the biggest problem. That escalated with the birth of our children. (We no longer have family nearby.) Our challenges gradually grew, turning into sexual gatekeeping and emotional gatekeeping.
Our marital problems just got worse with some other major stresses, including church problems, very discouraging financial difficulties, limited living space, a difficult teen, a dream of DH’s that was shattered and super difficult for him, and several others.
We also have a child that we spent years, time, money, and great effort on, doing a special kind of physical therapy with. We had to travel almost a day’s drive for that. I did much of my own research and sort of set up our own program. After 8 years and many, many prayers, a doctor/therapist set up her practice 2 hours from here. She said all that was needed was a bit of fine tuning. But, after the consultation, a freak accident occurred, and in the blink of an eye, all the effort put into therapy was gone. (The surgeons said they had rarely seen that kind of damage.) I could not believe it. No amount of therapy will ever heal that injury. I am still getting over it and it still brings tears to my eyes. And I still wonder why……
DH and I lived more like roomates for several years. We were nit picky with each other and argued frequently. I didn’t want sex and DH wasn’t willing to give me what I needed. And we just couldn’t really pull together. I also read different marriage books, but none were helpful.
A few years ago, I discovered TMB. Within an hour or less, I knew exactly where part of our problem lay. What touched my heart the most, were the posts from men, longing for sex. They would also describe what sex meant to them. My eyes were truly opened. I confessed to DH and I started trying to put things back together. I knew we had been very happy in our early years, but now it seemed we could hardly stand each other and I wasn’t that happy to see him when he came in, anymore. But, I was willing to try, even if I got nothing back from DH.
We started having regular sex. That was the first step, and weird as it may sound, everything else started falling into place. And I mean everything! We learned about responsive desire and that neither male nor female brain is better, just different.
Today, we love each other, we are friends, we enjoy each other’s company, and we are pulling together, not against each other. I feel like a queen in my own house!
Thank you Brynna for telling us your story and where you are now. I have come to really appreciate your posts and the heartfelt wisdom and faith in Christ that is evident in each one. You are one of several wives on here who I would really love to know IRL and whose honest posts give me a better perspective of female sexuality and helps me better understand my DW. (And I know that if I did know you IRL, it would not be wise or helpful to either of our marriages to have the kind of communication on sensitive sexual subjects that we have here.) Thanks again.
WOW! Nice intro! A lot has happened in your life and in your marriage. My heart goes out to you regarding your child! So glad you have come to TMB and also to see the good God has brought to your marriage and your marriage bed! I’m glad you hung in there!