My wife reads erotica on her phone and tries to cover it up. Should i confront her about it?

    My wife reads erotica on her phone and tries to hide it. I do not like it. I want to be the man she fantasizes about. Should i confront her and how do i if so?

    Cot Asked on August 3, 2020 in MARRIED SEX.
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      If you go in accusatory, which is the tone I hear in your post and around “confront”, things won’t get far or go well.

      I do think it would be good to have a discussion around it. Go in with a desire to hear and to find understanding, but also a willingness to share your feelings around it in a loving way. Where’s her heart at? What’s the attraction to it? What’s her true heart desire she is trying to fulfill? Why does she think she is reading these? Does she feel this honors God and there’s nothing wrong or sinful about it? Does she feel it honors or dishonors you as her husband? Why does she feel she needs to hide it?

      Have you dug into your own feelings around it? Why does it bother you? Is it more than you want to be the one she fantasizes about?

      As you move into deeper discussions and get better understanding, then you can ask/discuss if there are things either of you can start doing or do better to help foster your own intimacy and passion. What do each of you need from the other? What makes you each feel loved? What helps stir sexual desire? What can you do to make your marriage one that neither of you feel you need to escape from…or a place to run to for refuge when needing an escape from the world?

      Under the stars Answered on August 3, 2020.

      Well stated – can’t think of better advice or questions!

      on August 3, 2020.
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        With your question around confront, it would have been good for us to have asked what you mean by that word.

        If “confront” means: “to stand or come in front of; stand or meet facing” or “to bring together for examination” – YES, confront.

        If “confront” means: “to face in hostility or defiance; oppose” – NO.

        Under the stars Answered on August 3, 2020.
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          WOW! Helpme, what you wrote breaks my heart and brings up a lot of emotions, memories and broken dreams.  I think there’s a lot of valuable advice in what SC said.  What comes is some quick, initial thoughts.

          Let me say straight up, I have a natural bent when I see your two posts because my first wife had an affair and lived a double life traveling part-time on the road. After a couple years of weird vibes, growing mistrust, and finally recognizing a major spiritual battle was going on, the counseling I pursued was apparently too late (hence, why I’m so big on early counseling intervention and even marital tune-ups) I discovered her choices and had proof, she denied it until I showed her and then SHE filed for divorce 1 month later, ending nearly over 16 yrs of marriage and 18 years of ministry together.

          Now with that said, what you’ve written by no means indicates that she is having an affair. It just means you need to discover what is creating the changes in her life. Here are questions that come to mind that I would ask if we sat down together.  What is your faith journey? What is hers? How long have you been married? First marriage for both of you? How old are both of you? Kids? Difficulties? Changes in job? Move? Friendships? Is she grieving any losses? Death of family or friends? Mental health issues? Work demands for either of you? What is your sex life like? (How often? Quality?) Did you engage in sexual play before marriage? Besides the things mention, any other conflicts/reoccurring arguments? What do you usually fight about? What do you do for fun together & how often? Are you just roommates or what & when do you deeply connect? What do you dream about together? What are your shared goals that you’re working towards? There’s obviously something she’s missing/needing, what void/need is she trying to fill?

          Connecting with her heart is critical and asking questions about what is driving her right now.  Again, I have a bias due to my history and the things you said set off my radar. I hope it isn’t true, Helpme. If it were me, I would try to make sure you’re connecting with her heart & mind emotionally. I would also seek professional Christian counseling and carefully investigate things that do not add up in your mind (inconsistencies in stories, behaviors, electronics, dress, timelines, etc.). Again, this is not an emotionally healthy way to operate so it’s one of the reasons why I firmly believe in asking a counselor for help because it will be a lot to bear emotionally. It’ll be difficult for your marriage to survive if you have doubts because of the tension it will create AND it can actually become self-fulfilling prophecy and drive her there (if it’s not true now) with the problems and tension…which is why it’s critical to process with someone yourself let alone the potential to unpack with someone together what’s going on relationally. 

          Under the stars Answered on August 3, 2020.
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            I think it would be good to bring it up at some point – when she seems to be in a comfortable mood and you are able to do it with out pouncing on her. Leave room for the work of the HS.

            Under the stars Answered on August 3, 2020.
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              Hi HelpMe:

              There is erotica and then there is erotica.  The Song of Solomon is erotica.  And there are Christian erotica sites that are much more moral than primetime TV.   Does the erotica she is reading uphold Biblical marriage?  What effect does it have on sex within your marriage and her desire for sex with you?

              How is your sex life? It is entirely possible that reading erotica increases her desire for you. It is also entirely possible that it is decreases her desire for you.

              I am more concerned about her question about kissing another guy.  You say she has been acting weird “lately.” Does the timing of the weirdness correspond with when she started reading erotica and hiding it from you?

              I have questions about the male Facebook friend that you asked her about and she got upset. What did she mean when she said that you were cheating? Would you say that she believes you to be the suspicious type? ARE you the suspicious type?  Has she given you reason not to trust her?

              Queen bed Answered on August 3, 2020.

              And there are Christian erotica sites that are much more moral than primetime TV.”

              I would be curious to see the justification for this statement. The “Christian erotica sites” I have seen are little different than secular ones, which are effectively softcore porn. They also tend to include pornographic images. I would be much more comfortable with my kids watching primetime TV (which they don’t) than reading “Christian” erotica sites.

              -Scott

              on August 3, 2020.

              Hi Scott: The plots of primetime TV shows commonly portray unmarried people having sex, as well as homosexual relationships. A Christian erotica site has stories about married people having sex. No one in the stories is doing anything immoral.

              That said, it is erotica. Just because something is moral does not necessarily make it suitable for young children. I suppose that most parents would not want their young children reading commentaries on the Song of Solomon or a modern translation that portrays the couple’s various sexual activities in terms that would be understood by today’s readers.

              “They also tend to include pornographic images.”  Maybe you and I have visited different Christian erotica sites :lol:.  Seriously, I see tasteful portrayal of the nude human body as glorifying God.  This is hardly a radical position given all of the nude art on the ceilings of old cathedrals. Nude statuary existed in New Testament times, and nowhere in the NT is it condemned.

              on August 4, 2020.

              “A Christian erotica site has stories about married people having sex. No one in the stories is doing anything immoral.”

              The stories I have seen include vivid voyeurism, simultaneous sex in the same room as another couple (with taking cues from the other couple on positions/acts), and even same-room sex where one wife was coaching the other on how to perform OS on her husband followed by group showering. I consider those immoral. Also, your premise relies on the stories there being truly from married people. There is certainly no guarantee of that, so what happens if you read a story from someone who isn’t married based on a non-married experience? Finally, there is at least one pornographic video site that claims to be entirely of married couples, no different from these erotica sites. Your argument, taken at face value, naturally extends to that web site. Do you agree that watching videos of others’ married sex is okay then?

              Also, I have no issue with “tasteful portrayal of the nude human body”. I should have been more specific and said “photos” instead of “images”. The “Christian erotica” site I see touted the most has photos of naked men and women, often in rather suggestive positions. I don’t believe they show direct genital shots, but everything else is fair game. Are those people married? If so, does that make it right? The fact is, those photos are included to help get people aroused via visualization. This is directly inciting lust, which is leading others into sin. Not okay. We’re not talking the statue of David here, but I think you already knew that.

              -Scott

              on August 4, 2020.

              Just an interesting side note…. I just found out that Covenant Eyes considers the “Christian Erotica site” to be inappropriate and pornographic…. my husband couldn’t find the site (just because he was curious to see what I was talking about) because CE blocks it.   I think that is fairly telling.

              on August 4, 2020.

              OK,  Scott, fair enough.  As I said, there is erotica and then there is erotica. I am not  assuming that everything that goes on at a site is legitimate just because it is labeled “Christian.”  Heck, there are “Christian” spouse-swapping sites. And there is a lot of “bad idea” real estate between what is clearly sinful and what is holy.

              “There is certainly no guarantee of that, so what happens if you read a story from someone who isn’t married based on a non-married experience?” True, that is a risk. A risk that exists anywhere there are anonymous participants, including here. No doubt the vast majority of people here who claim to be married and offer marital bedroom advice are indeed really married. I don’t see why people who do not believe that sex is only for marriage would participate here or other sites that uphold that standard.  But we don’t know that everyone here does.   We have to look at the material given and judge it against Scripture. If someone is secretly living in sin but publicly upholds Biblical values, I maintain that listening to what they say is not something that God will hold us accountable for and that it will not bring harm to us.

              You said in another post in this thread: “Honestly, the erotica I’ve read, as a man mind you, had very similar effects on me as porn, particularly when coupled to masturbation.”  Anyone who reads even moral erotica must look at how it affects their marriage. Does it increase their appreciation for the institution of marriage?  Does it increase their appreciation of and desire for their spouse?  Does it result in the marriage having more and better sex?  If the erotica causes masturbation without a spouse’s participation (i.e. less sex), then one should avoid it. Erotica isn’t for everyone.

              I am just trying to get more info from the OP so that we may better help him.  Perhaps his wife is in fact a porn addict and that is the root of the problem as he implies it is. Or maybe it isn’t. Thanks for the exchange!

              on August 4, 2020.

              @Mr. Eden, those questions you say anyone who “reads” should ask themselves, it seems those questions could be asked by an individual or couple around watching porn, or having an open marriage. We need to realize that may people believe the answer would be “yes” to those. We need to realize, there are “professionals”, marriage counselors, therapists, who believe the answers would “yes” to those questions and support and recommend porn. This is where the deception and counterfeit intimacy comes in. Just because one believes the answers are “yes”, just because one feels it is true in the moment, does not make it true. If the counterfeit was obvious, people wouldn’t be so easily deceived. I believe people are deceived, and I pray against that deceptive spirit when I believe I am confronting it, because I know that it’s only Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit, who can make the blind see. And I pray it for myself as well, because I have no desire to be deceived.

              on August 5, 2020.
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                Confront? No. Explaining briefly that you are concerned and asking her to talk about it would be a much better route. Seek to understand instead of to correct.

                On the floor Answered on August 3, 2020.
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                  As people who have been around TMB for more than a few months may remember, I’m definitely not a fan of erotica. For many women, it acts as a form of escapism and easy pathway for arousal, little different from porn for men (or women). Honestly, the erotica I’ve read, as a man mind you, had very similar effects on me as porn, particularly when coupled to masturbation.

                  But the others here have addressed the erotica activity plenty on this thread. As @NWNL alluded to, the other stuff that has come up in the additional info “Helpme” provided is much more concerning. You have rules regarding gender and social media–she broke them. When confronted, she blows up and turns it around on you. This is not okay, and quite far from it. If you posted something like this on a secular site like Reddit’s “Relationship_Advice”, you’d be told that she’s cheating on you and to lawyer up. I don’t necessarily agree with that, but there is potentially some truth there.

                  You need to have a sit down with your wife and work on communication. Set some ground rules about electronic privacy, preferably something approaching complete transparency, and follow it. I do wonder if her hiding the erotica on the phone is actual a cover for hiding something far more sinister.

                  -Scott

                  Under the stars Answered on August 3, 2020.

                  Well stated.

                  on August 4, 2020.
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                    Thank you for your input. She has just been really weird lately. She asked me the a month or so ago would you let another guy kiss me for a lot of money? And then on facebook we always ok it when we get a friend from the other gender. But she forgot on this one guy that messaged her and then friended her. I just said hey who is this guy and she blew up and said i am cheating he used to be way better looking. Just strange the way she is acting.

                    Cot Answered on August 3, 2020.
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                      I get what you’re saying about the don’t confront. But I know my wife and it will turn into a confrontation I just want I figure out what’s going on really however I can. She says she loves me very much I’m the only guy she’s wants but then I find that stuff what am I supposed to think. I am just very hurt

                      Cot Answered on August 3, 2020.
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                        Wow, nothing to add that SC and NWNL haven’t already said, other to say I’ll be praying for your situation.

                        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 3, 2020.
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