My wife reads erotica on her phone and tries to cover it up. Should i confront her about it?
If you go in accusatory, which is the tone I hear in your post and around “confront”, things won’t get far or go well.
I do think it would be good to have a discussion around it. Go in with a desire to hear and to find understanding, but also a willingness to share your feelings around it in a loving way. Where’s her heart at? What’s the attraction to it? What’s her true heart desire she is trying to fulfill? Why does she think she is reading these? Does she feel this honors God and there’s nothing wrong or sinful about it? Does she feel it honors or dishonors you as her husband? Why does she feel she needs to hide it?
Have you dug into your own feelings around it? Why does it bother you? Is it more than you want to be the one she fantasizes about?
As you move into deeper discussions and get better understanding, then you can ask/discuss if there are things either of you can start doing or do better to help foster your own intimacy and passion. What do each of you need from the other? What makes you each feel loved? What helps stir sexual desire? What can you do to make your marriage one that neither of you feel you need to escape from…or a place to run to for refuge when needing an escape from the world?
With your question around confront, it would have been good for us to have asked what you mean by that word.
If “confront” means: “to stand or come in front of; stand or meet facing” or “to bring together for examination” – YES, confront.
If “confront” means: “to face in hostility or defiance; oppose” – NO.
WOW! Helpme, what you wrote breaks my heart and brings up a lot of emotions, memories and broken dreams. I think there’s a lot of valuable advice in what SC said. What comes is some quick, initial thoughts.
Let me say straight up, I have a natural bent when I see your two posts because my first wife had an affair and lived a double life traveling part-time on the road. After a couple years of weird vibes, growing mistrust, and finally recognizing a major spiritual battle was going on, the counseling I pursued was apparently too late (hence, why I’m so big on early counseling intervention and even marital tune-ups) I discovered her choices and had proof, she denied it until I showed her and then SHE filed for divorce 1 month later, ending nearly over 16 yrs of marriage and 18 years of ministry together.
Now with that said, what you’ve written by no means indicates that she is having an affair. It just means you need to discover what is creating the changes in her life. Here are questions that come to mind that I would ask if we sat down together. What is your faith journey? What is hers? How long have you been married? First marriage for both of you? How old are both of you? Kids? Difficulties? Changes in job? Move? Friendships? Is she grieving any losses? Death of family or friends? Mental health issues? Work demands for either of you? What is your sex life like? (How often? Quality?) Did you engage in sexual play before marriage? Besides the things mention, any other conflicts/reoccurring arguments? What do you usually fight about? What do you do for fun together & how often? Are you just roommates or what & when do you deeply connect? What do you dream about together? What are your shared goals that you’re working towards? There’s obviously something she’s missing/needing, what void/need is she trying to fill?
Connecting with her heart is critical and asking questions about what is driving her right now. Again, I have a bias due to my history and the things you said set off my radar. I hope it isn’t true, Helpme. If it were me, I would try to make sure you’re connecting with her heart & mind emotionally. I would also seek professional Christian counseling and carefully investigate things that do not add up in your mind (inconsistencies in stories, behaviors, electronics, dress, timelines, etc.). Again, this is not an emotionally healthy way to operate so it’s one of the reasons why I firmly believe in asking a counselor for help because it will be a lot to bear emotionally. It’ll be difficult for your marriage to survive if you have doubts because of the tension it will create AND it can actually become self-fulfilling prophecy and drive her there (if it’s not true now) with the problems and tension…which is why it’s critical to process with someone yourself let alone the potential to unpack with someone together what’s going on relationally.
There is erotica and then there is erotica. The Song of Solomon is erotica. And there are Christian erotica sites that are much more moral than primetime TV. Does the erotica she is reading uphold Biblical marriage? What effect does it have on sex within your marriage and her desire for sex with you?
How is your sex life? It is entirely possible that reading erotica increases her desire for you. It is also entirely possible that it is decreases her desire for you.
I am more concerned about her question about kissing another guy. You say she has been acting weird “lately.” Does the timing of the weirdness correspond with when she started reading erotica and hiding it from you?
I have questions about the male Facebook friend that you asked her about and she got upset. What did she mean when she said that you were cheating? Would you say that she believes you to be the suspicious type? ARE you the suspicious type? Has she given you reason not to trust her?
As people who have been around TMB for more than a few months may remember, I’m definitely not a fan of erotica. For many women, it acts as a form of escapism and easy pathway for arousal, little different from porn for men (or women). Honestly, the erotica I’ve read, as a man mind you, had very similar effects on me as porn, particularly when coupled to masturbation.
But the others here have addressed the erotica activity plenty on this thread. As @NWNL alluded to, the other stuff that has come up in the additional info “Helpme” provided is much more concerning. You have rules regarding gender and social media–she broke them. When confronted, she blows up and turns it around on you. This is not okay, and quite far from it. If you posted something like this on a secular site like Reddit’s “Relationship_Advice”, you’d be told that she’s cheating on you and to lawyer up. I don’t necessarily agree with that, but there is potentially some truth there.
You need to have a sit down with your wife and work on communication. Set some ground rules about electronic privacy, preferably something approaching complete transparency, and follow it. I do wonder if her hiding the erotica on the phone is actual a cover for hiding something far more sinister.
Thank you for your input. She has just been really weird lately. She asked me the a month or so ago would you let another guy kiss me for a lot of money? And then on facebook we always ok it when we get a friend from the other gender. But she forgot on this one guy that messaged her and then friended her. I just said hey who is this guy and she blew up and said i am cheating he used to be way better looking. Just strange the way she is acting.
I get what you’re saying about the don’t confront. But I know my wife and it will turn into a confrontation I just want I figure out what’s going on really however I can. She says she loves me very much I’m the only guy she’s wants but then I find that stuff what am I supposed to think. I am just very hurt