Need some perspective – spiritually focused husband

    Hi everyone! First time here.

    I have a spiritually focused husband who loves me in a lot of ways but doesn’t see a real need for intimacy.

    *Edit* In my original post I used the example of Uriah, but that’s not necessarily our case.

    I know it’s not an issue of him being attracted to me or not. He is, but he seems to think it’s not in line with being spiritually focused.

    The thing is, after almost 8 years of marriage, I’m more attracted to him than ever.

    I’ve talked about this at least twice and said that’s the way God made marriage. I haven’t mentioned 1 Corinthians 7 because I don’t want him to feel obligated.

    *Update* This is basically solved now… My husband and I understand each other and our marriage is better than ever 🙂

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    20 Answer(s)

      Welcome to the forum Kay. 🙂

      After reading your post the major thing I come away with is that you and your husband have some misconceptions on the purpose of sex in God’s design. Your husband seems to think that sex is only for procreation and incompatible with being spiritual. That is not borne out Biblically as shown in I Cor. 7, Proverbs 5, Song of Solomon, and other passages. These passages proclaim that God’s design is for married couples to have frequent, satisfying sexual intimacy with each other for the purposes of pleasure, intimacy, and in some cases procreation.

      Also I Cor. 7 isn’t saying that the only reason to have sex is to avoid temptation. A little cultural context is helpful here. The Corinthians were asking Paul if the should refrain from having sex. Paul says it is okay to be called to singleness but since so many were engaging in sexual immorality it was pretty obvious that a lot of them weren’t truly called to that state. He also points out the married people need to have frequent sex with their spouse and if they are not they are ignoring God’s design and ultimately inviting temptation. 

      You have every right to feel hurt about your lack of sexual intimacy with your spouse. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking “oh someone out there has it worse than me so I shouldn’t feel bad.” If that is the case then no one would get help for anything because there would always be someone else “worse off”.

      What are your husband’s opinions regarding the passages I mentioned above? He seems to be a devoted man of God and such a man should follow God’s design for sexual intimacy with his spouse.

      Fell out of ... Answered on June 29, 2019.
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        I’m so sorry, Kay.  That sounds very lonely.

        I don’t know why it hurts so much and why I don’t just get over it, when there are people going through so much worse.”

        Don’t be so hard on yourself.  We are hardwired to seek close connection with a significant other.  It is one of our most basic needs.  It makes sense that it hurts, a lot.  When Adam was alone, God saw that it was not good – and there was no sin in the world yet, just God’s perfect creation, except that there was something essential missing.

        “He’s always helping people and never self-focused.”    Do you think he might be open to the idea that you’re one of the people he needs to help?  And maybe as his wife, you should be first in line?

        ((Hugs)) and hang in there.

        On the floor Answered on June 29, 2019.
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          Kay, I understand that he doesn’t see it as a need that has to be met.  What he needs to learn and understand is that you are not him, and your experience is different than his.  He needs to see you as your own person, not as a copy of himself projected onto another person.

          A lot of the advice you are getting is about the fact that he is holding to a teaching that is not Biblical, which is true.  However, I am wondering if this could be an excuse/cover story on his part.  I am wondering if he is asexual, or homosexual, was sexually abused as a child, is carrying guilt and shame concerning something sexual from his past, or has some other psychological block to intimacy.  If his “spirituality” is the cloak he hides behind to avoid dealing with the real issue, getting into a debate about Scripture would likely not be helpful.

          Please don’t let yourself get sucked into believing that you are not spiritual enough because you have needs, though.  I hope you two will be able to break through whatever the issue is, whether it is false beliefs or something else.


          On the floor Answered on June 30, 2019.

          As far as a deeper issue, I can see how that would be wise but I’m really convinced that isn’t his case.  It’s consistent with the rest of his lifestyle (not pleasing himself), he is transparent, he doesn’t have the characteristics of someone carrying shame/guilt, and I can tell from his expressions that he is attracted to me and not to other women. It’s easy to read him.

          Thanks for taking the time to help 🙂

          on July 1, 2019.
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            Welcome! Absolutely you should be attracted to your husband!  It sounds to me like you need to find a solid, biblically based pastor, mentor, or counselor whom your husband can respect and have some sessions with them.  It sounds like he needs a lesson in what God’s plan for marriage is.  He also needs his eyes opened to the reality of what his choices are doing to you and the place of vulnerability he is placing you in….none of us are above falling.   It sounds like he has some deeply engrained bad teachings.  🙁

            I am praying for the Holy Spirit to convict your husband and to open his eyes to the truth and expose any lies he is believing and that anything hidden in the darkness will be brought out into the light. I am praying that the Lord will give you wisdom on when to speak and when to be silent, when to be still and when to act….and that you keep the faith, keep hoping, and do all things in love.

            Under the stars Answered on June 29, 2019.
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              He’s got a misconception about God’s intent and purpose with the creation of sex between His creation. It is likely solidifying due to his perceived “higher calling.” (I think that also is misplaced, but…) Perhaps a diversionary study could be helpful. Peter, the man whom God gave the keys to open the kingdom,, was later found in error and needed correction. Let him draw the connection.

              Queen bed Answered on July 3, 2019.
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                Good news! Today my husband asked me when we could set up a regular time for us. 🙂 He apparently thought about the things I said last night.

                I should have known better than to worry so much, because it was clear how God was leading at times.

                The best thing is we were able to talk without losing peace.

                Of course there are still some things like how I can really meet his needs, but I’m so thankful we’ve come to this point.

                Queen bed Answered on July 3, 2019.

                This is very encouraging!

                on July 3, 2019.

                Amen! Kay…Women have a hard time asking for what they need…don’t be…we men can be clueless.  Ask for what you want and stop the shaming you place on yourself.

                on July 3, 2019.

                That sounds like an encouraging first step.

                Make sure that you hold him to it. And don’t apologise for worrying about it – it was probably your worry that brought him to a point where he realised that things needed to change because he could see the effect it was having.

                on July 4, 2019.

                @Elevation – Yes, it’s so funny how we  women think we’re making a clear request/need in a variety of areas, when it’s not so clear to our husbands.  And there was some misunderstanding not just at the specific times I was initiating, but also in general (past 8 years) since I haven’t been clear about things.

                @David – True, that did seem to be the turning  point! I hope he realizes that most of my concern was about him/our marriage, not so much about feeling hurt.

                on July 4, 2019.
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                  I was going to say thanks individually in comments, but don’t have enough points yet…

                  @ShadowSpirit -Thanks for your answer. He doesn’t see it as a need that has to be met. He loves me in so many ways, it’s just that he doesn’t think much about the sexual side of marriage.  Anyway, it helps knowing someone understands 🙂

                  @SeekingChange – Thanks for praying. He hasn’t been around bad teachings from what I can tell. His parents are very much in love, he grew up in good churches and eventually we met in Bible college. Actually when we were engaged, we were in a Bible class together and the teacher said “In marriage, celibacy is sinful.” Afterwards I told my husband (then fiance) I didn’t think it was really a requirement, but they shouldn’t withhold from each other. When you said that about anything hidden in darkness – if you mean the devil trying to separate us, I can see that. We’re in ministry together and I’m aware there could be a spiritual side to this issue.

                  @SLS – Thanks, I’m glad to hear a man’s perspective. Yes he is a devoted man of God. I can’t see this as anything other than an innocent mistake on his part. He seems so perfect that I’ve questioned if I’m just making a big deal of nothing. I haven’t been sure it’s a legitimate need other than 1 Corinthians 7 where it talks about temptation. Even that sounds silly because this revolves around how I think of him, and I’m just obsessed with him.  Anyway about those passages, I have no idea what he thinks because he didn’t say much either time I brought up the subject.

                  In general, we’re very happily married and get along like best friends, and I’m thankful for that.

                  Queen bed Answered on June 30, 2019.
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                    Hi Kay, welcome! You may also find Colossians  2 helpful as well, talking about how man-made rules and pious self-denial don’t help us overcome our sin nature. That may be a good conversation topic that goes broader than sex if he is prone to separate the sexual nature of your relationship from the spiritual.

                    California King Answered on June 30, 2019.
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                      It sounds like your husband is IMHO too immature to be in ministry. He lacks understanding in the fullness of our salvation.

                      “If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations— “Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch” (referring to things that all perish as they are used)—according to human precepts and teachings? These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.”
                      ‭‭Colossians‬ ‭2:20-23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

                      Double bed Answered on June 30, 2019.

                      Thanks for sharing. That makes a lot of sense but I think his idea is more like Romans 13:14 – “make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” He hasn’t used that verse but that’s what I’ve gathered.

                      on July 1, 2019.

                      Kay, lust is a craving for something illicit. You’ll notice that scripture never refers to legitimate desires (dessert, a better job, one’s spouse) as lust. Because if we never desired anything, we would never eat or sleep.

                      Intimacy with one’s spouse is not illicit, it’s pure, and thus does not fall within the category of lust – by biblical definition.

                      on July 2, 2019.

                      Actually BioTwin, if you look at the original language, the same Greek word used for “lust” IS used by Jesus Himself when talking about His disciples, it is interpreted into English as “desire”.  Therefore “lust” or “strong desire” does not mean only “craving for something illicit.”

                      on July 2, 2019.

                      Lust could go either way but I am just talking about his perception of it. He is attracted to me, and you’re right, he’s not coveting something that isn’t his.  But he doesn’t act based on feelings.

                      on July 2, 2019.
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                        In RE: to blessedman’s opinion…., In Scripture, do you know who the “perfect ones”, by appearances for ministry were? The Pharisees. We are all immature on some level, yet we are ALL called to be ministers. We started in vocational ministry at the ages of 19 and 20. How mature do you think we were? Yet, we were called and we loved Jesus. While IN ministry my husband struggled to overcome porn and sexual addictive behaviors, I was much like a Pharisee and even became a sexual refuser. Yet, we were called and we loved Jesus.

                        We still are in a fight against our sin and flesh, and always will be until we pass from glory to glory. Still, we are called and we love Jesus. I know the power the Holy Spirit has to convict, to teach, and to guide. And that is true of Mr. Kay, and anyone else, if they love God and are called according to His purpose. Be encouraged Kay, keep praying for your husband, be his defender against the enemy who is out to steal, kill, and destroy him and his.

                        Under the stars Answered on June 30, 2019.
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