Newlywed Questions

    Newlywed here! We’ve enjoyed really good and frequent sex since our wedding night, but I am wanting to continue to learn and improve and am hoping for advice on a couple of orgasm-related questions.

    Prior to marriage, I was very excited about sex. I would fantasize about our wedding night a LOT and get very turned on thinking about it. I had orgasms “accidentally” multiple times just kissing / making out without any kind of direct stimulation “down there”. One time I believe I even had an o just from breast stimulation.

    Two months before the wedding, I began BC – a vaginal ring. I didn’t notice any ill effects from the low dose of hormones (mood swings, weight gain, etc) and due to covid my then-fiance and I weren’t together much and therefore not a ton of making out happening.

    We waited for PIV until our wedding night and our honeymoon, we both noticed that it took much longer and a lot more work for me to be able to o. I was experiencing unusual dryness as well. About a week in, we decided to ditch the hormonal BC since I getting really frustrated and suspected that was causing the issues. We also started consistently using lube for PIV a day or two into marriage since I was experiencing pain.

    It’s been a few weeks since that and I’ve had fewer problems with dryness although I can’t seem to get very wet prior to penetration. Oddly (I guess I don’t really know if this is odd), I get the most aroused during PIV. We no longer need lube for penetration which is great. However, I am able to o but only from manual clitoral stimulation and only in a very specific position (being held or spooned and only when I’m lying on a certain side – really weird) and with lots of lube since I tend to dry up pretty quickly once PIV is over. Sometimes I’m able to concentrate enough to o with penetration (no motion) in this position, but often it’s too distracting. I don’t want to fall into a mental habit of only being able to come this way forever.

    The other weird thing is that I’m very consistently able to o only every other time we have sex. Fifty percent of the time I get over stimulated and have to stop. My husband is wonderful and understanding and will do whatever it takes to get me there until I give the signal that it’s not going to happen this time.

    I was very much looking forward to receiving oral prior to getting married as well, but I’ve found that it doesn’t really do much for me. Probably because it’s typically happening very close to the beginning of LM and I’m not super aroused yet? I love and get turned on by giving oral, but it’s a little disappointing that I find receiving to be more irritating that pleasurable.

    Anyway – curious if anyone has advice specifically about only being able to o every other time we’re together and whether I’m perhaps still coming off the hormones from BC and things will return to “normal” eventually?

    When we were engaged my wife had orgasms “accidentally” several times just kissing  without any kind of direct stimulation “down there”.  I didn’t fondle her breasts; that would have made her cum for sure.

    We only kissed but I orgasmed several times too, more often than she did. I hadn’t heard about this happening to other couples. Do you think it is a quite common thing?

    on June 22, 2020.
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    10 Answer(s)

      I think you guys are doing a great job as newlyweds figuring things out! Your statistics are really pretty good on your O’s and how they are happening. Keep exploring. Don’t get so caught up in making sure you always have to do what you know works (always having an O), but also have fun trying new things to see if you can discover new ways.

      I may have been similar to you, where I may have O’d 50-75% of the time. The thing that made it almost a guaranteed thing, was adding a bullet vibe between our bodies during PIV. This is personal opinion, but I would advise for you guys to figure yourselves out a little more before adding a vibrator, because again, it works and it can rob you two of the exploration you may have otherwise.

      Also, when things are new there is a hormone that is released (sorry can’t remember the specifics) but it’s what makes affairs exciting. That hormone feeling can only last a few months, I believe up to 6 mos. And then things move more into the known and comfortable. Every relationship and marriage experiences it, and that could be some of the difference you are noticing with your drive/desire.


      edited: the mistakes from typing on a phone

      Under the stars Answered on June 19, 2020.

      “This is personal opinion, but I would advise for you guys to figure yourselves out a little more before adding a vibrator, because again, it works and it can rob you two of the exploration you may have otherwise.”

      Definitely agree with that advice. Nothing wrong with a vibe (we require one for my DW to O), but you’re having such good success early on that adding the “easy way” to0 early could definitely take away from what you can learn.

      “That hormone feeling can only last a few months, I believe up to 6 mos.”

      I believe @SC is talking about phenylethylamine (PEA). The amount of time it lasts varies (I think up to 3 years from the start of a relationship). You could definitely see those levels dropping. The other thing you’ve now lost is the “taboo” aspect, meaning adrenaline is lower and you’ve lost it too. Getting success without these two is critical for a long-term relationship.


      on June 19, 2020.

      Thanks @Scott, you are probably correct.  I don’t remember the details.  It may last up to a few years, but I think it’s much more common to last months, from what I recall from the information I read long ago.  And you are right about the “taboo” and adrenaline aspect.

      on June 19, 2020.
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        I concur that you all are doing really well. There is so much variation in women and even the same woman will seemingly vary drastically from day to day. It took us nearly 15 years to get to what I consider consistently good sex so you are doing great by being interested and proactively exploring.

        Even after 20+ years of marriage my wife is very similar to you in that she only consistently Os from manual stimulation from me and has similar issues with oral as well. So try not to worry to much about how you think you ought to be able to do it and just keep exploring together.

        Fell out of ... Answered on June 19, 2020.
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          I’m not sure if I can offer any advice but I can certainly confirm that hormonal BC can have a massive impact, not only on sexual drive but the physical sensation as well.

          DW only tried hormonal BC for a short time (about 6 months) and it dampened her desire significantly and made her feel quite dry. Normally during sex the genitals get engorged due to the increased blood flow but when she was on hormonal BC, this just did not happen. So you are not on your own with this experience.

          It might be something genetic because her mum had the same problem.

          The only other thing I would say is that it took DW and I quite a few months to really get comfortable with each other in bed and get tuned to each other, so don’t worry if initially there are some minor issues.

          Fell out of ... Answered on June 19, 2020.
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            Honestly, I don’t think anything you are experiencing is weird or abnormal. I’ve read here that some women take many years until being able to orgasm through PIV, so I think you are ahead of the game. Most people have a lot of fantasies in their head before marriage that sex is going to be all fireworks and marching bands. It can then be a bit disappointing when things don’t always work 100% of the time. Just have fun and keep exploring.

            On the floor Answered on June 19, 2020.
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              It sounds like you’re within the normal range. Not all women can orgasm from penetration, and many women require clitoral stimulation. You could possibly try experimenting with different positions and/or a penis ring to increase stimulation during penetration. The website is a good place to start.

              You may also find that increased foreplay would help.

              Fell out of ... Answered on June 21, 2020.
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                welcome aboard and congrats on your marriage and how you are learning and paying attention to your body.

                Keep experimenting. Take the time to engage in sexploration with the goal of just enjoying connecting and exploring each other’s bodies and getting in tune with your own arousal.  If you feel you’re getting over stimulated (not uncommon), change it up, let your mind and body catch back up with each other, and then move forward. That’s ok.

                Not a female, but my wife really only “enjoys” receiving oral when she is turned on, otherwise, she is more than willing to do without until turned on.

                It doesn’t hurt to have natural oil around to lube up and play with. Many here love coconut oil. It smells great too. Personally, we buy MELT massage oil in Amazon. It is natural, made from almonds and has a great consistency year-round and like coconut oil is natural so it doesn’t cause my wife any internal issues. Yes, it works well for massages but after I introduced it to dear wife, she wants a bottle on each side of the bed for quick access for much more intimate massages and oral pleasures. 😀

                Don’t get discouraged! If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!!! You have a whole lifetime of lovemaking ahead so enjoy it and welcome it as you and your husband’s  bodies & marriage will encounter stress, aging, etc will continue to evolve and change.

                The best thing you can do for your lovemaking is learn to communicate well  inside and outside the bedroom, not just sex convo but emotionally connecting, conflict resolution, problem-solving and dreaming together because the most important sex organ is between your ears, not your legs. 😀

                Under the stars Answered on June 19, 2020.
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                  @SeekingChange Thank you! Yes, we’ve talked about toys and concluded we’d both prefer to take lots of time to explore using just our bodies first. That makes sense about the “newness” hormone! Based on everything I’ve read, I feel like I’m not super abnormal – I was just a little confused at how my body’s reactions have changed but that helps me not be concerned that it’s a problem.

                  Twin bed Answered on June 19, 2020.

                  Y’all are doing good. Just coming here for advice puts you miles ahead of where most of us started.

                  The only piece of advice I will give is to stop thinking in terms of normal vs abnormal, compared to other people. There is no normal. Every person, and every couple, is unique and odd, weird and crazy. Instead, keep experimenting and playing and figure out what is your normal. Knowing what is normal for you goes a long way toward understanding if/when something is wrong.

                  on June 19, 2020.

                  Actually, as that was posting, I thought of something else. Don’t pressure yourselves to thinking there has to be some big, fantastic, erotic orgasm every time. Sex is just as unique as the individuais engaged. Just communicate together. If you want more, or he does, say so, and have an actual conversation about it. Like you say you’ve talked about toys. Keep up that kind of communication!

                  on June 19, 2020.
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                    @Tantalum That’s super helpful! Do you know about how long it took for the negative effects of the BC to wear off after quitting it?

                    Twin bed Answered on June 19, 2020.

                    Difficult to say because it was many years ago but I would say about a month or so.

                    on June 19, 2020.
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                      Congratulations  newlyweds!

                      It is impressive that you were able to O during your first time, I think that is quite rare actually.  I was just finally able to achieve an O from PIV and we have been trying for 2 years 🙂

                      I’ll echo what others have said, and suggest that you keep practicing and don’t think to much about the O.  Enjoy the experiments and the fun. 🙂

                      King bed Answered on June 19, 2020.
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                        I agree with David 🙂

                        My hubby and I had been trying to get me to O during PIV every since our honeymoon.  We ended up finding a position on that website that worked perfectly!

                        Keep practicing and experimenting, and most importantly, have FUN!  If you start to think of it as a task or a mission, it can ruin the pleasure.

                        King bed Answered on June 21, 2020.
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