No O for me yet :/
I was told to start a new question about this issue specifically.
My DH and I have been married for about a year and a half, and despite having (what I’ve learned is) frequent sex, I haven’t O’ed.
I was curious about other couples that have gone through this, and what they did to deal with it.
Thank you 🙂
Congrats on having the courage to ask for help with this. The very fact that you are asking openly is a big step in the right direction.
Before going into what worked/didn’t work for us, a few general points:
- This is a common problem and there is nothing wrong with you. Highly likely that you are physically capable of an O, maybe like 99% likely.
- Only a fraction of women can O from PIV sex without additional clitoral stimulation. I think I’ve seen something like 25%? You can get an idea of what the orgasmic distribution is by evaluating TMB’s orgasmic experience survey: https://site.themarriagebed.com/surveys/recent-surveys/orgasmic-experience-before-and-after-marriage/ Looking at that survey, at your point in marriage (1 yr or greater), ~30% of wives had not O’d, and nearly 50% had not O’d during PIV (even including extra stimulation). Overall for their whole life, only 4% had never O’d, but amazingly 22% had never O’d during PIV (even with extra stimulation) and 43% orgasm 1/4 of the time or less during PIV.
- You absolutely have to communicate this desire/need to your husband. He may have no idea. I honestly had no clue that 90+% of married women O. I was under the impression that only a fraction of women O. Communication is essential and he needs to know your needs!
- Read, read, read! There are a lot of good resources around to help you O. Read the relevant articles on the Hot, Holy, and Humorous blog and the To Love, Honor, and Vacuum blog. Same with reading here and other discussion forums.
- Manual sex (MS) and oral sex (OS) are your friends! So are different positions, even for the MS and OS!
- You mentioned adding toys to help in your “Mismatched Bodies” thread. These can really help, but each couple is different and needs to discuss/pray about them. You need to be in agreement here.
- Evaluate what you really want. Is the goal just to O, or is it to greatly increase intimacy with your husband? Sure, you could get an almost guaranteed O using a solo session coupled with a Magic Wand or Womanizer, but should that be the first solution you try?
- Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure is what you should be targeting, not the O itself. Don’t reach for it…it comes to you, not the other way around.
- Know your cycle and how it affects your arousal thoroughly. Aim for the best sessions at the best times.
- Do not give up. It will happen and you will be glad it did (even though a small fraction of people don’t enjoy orgasming).
Okay, so for our story (which you know parts of):
My wife did not have her first awake O until we’d been married >12 yr. She did have nocturnal O’s (think wet dreams) that woke her up during each of her four pregnancies; however, she didn’t tell me about those until right around our 12th anniversary when we were done having kids. Even though I use 12 yr as a benchmark, we began activities (e.g. OS) that could be expected to get her to O about 1.5 yr before getting married. But it never happened. OS (plus manual G-spot stim) would get her amazingly close (moans, body tingling, legs shaking, feelings she had to pee), but we never got her there. She would either have to shut down from feelings of needing to pee or from her clit being overstimulated. We never made a concerted effort just to get her to O, but we were at that level for maybe 3 years. I once gave her a 2-hr OS session without anything else (man I wish I could do that again!) After years of failure, she slowly started refusing to accept OS until it was all but gone 6-7 yr into marriage. She gave up. She figured that she just couldn’t do it. I thought we could if executed perfectly, but didn’t pursue it further because I didn’t understand why she was withdrawing. I think she also refused OS because it often left her in this limbo arousal state of too aroused to relax, but unable to O due to overstimulation. It was uncomfortable and caused her to lose sleep. PIV, on the other hand, was thoroughly enjoyable to her but rarely if ever got her into that state. MS, you may be wondering, didn’t really do anything for us. DW never got aroused much through solo MS (the few times she tried it_, and I’m even worse at it. She would sometimes add MS to PIV to improve pleasure, but it never really got her close either.
So after 5-6 yr of very little sexual pleasure beyond PIV for my DW, I finally decided to broach the topic of vibrators for her. I’d researched them extensively, decided they were not sinful, and had found a couple that I thought would be good starters and easy to incorporate into PIV (the Dame Fin and We-Vibe Touch). Note that this was a month or two into my improved pursuit of my wife, and she had re-opened to OS by that point, so this wasn’t too cold turkey. I was terrified to bring it up, but she took it rather well. After a few weeks, she suggested getting both vibes, but it was still another month before we implemented them (so almost 2 months since first talking about them). In my mind, I was going to use them on her, but she opted to go straight to using them on herself during PIV. First time was just exploratory on a night she wasn’t very aroused…she chose the Fin because it was less intimidating. She was pleasantly surprised at how nice it felt, though did end up oversensitized. During our next session, I suggested she use it again and she did. You probably don’t need details, but it worked and she got her first O. Starting with that session, she is now 13/14 on getting O’s in PIV sessions, with the only failure stemming from a condom mistake that “cold showered” her arousal. At this point, success looks to be a high probability and we enjoy her extra pleasure. Her favorite vibe ended up being the We-Vibe Touch, and it’s a boss.
But remember, every couple is different and will take a different path (her only O’s have been during PIV, very much different than what the survey above would tell you!) Enjoy the experience with your husband and cherish your time together. 1.5 yr isn’t a huge issue, but don’t be like us and wait 12 yr to do something. We can’t get those lost years back!
I would agree with that idea, @SamanthaRose. He could definitely get intimidated by a dildo, especially one that was larger than him. And since the goal is your orgasm, you most likely will find success by having a toy that focuses on your clitoris. Though you may need one if you do need a lot of internal stimulation to have an orgasm, which is the case for some women.
Anyway, I seriously doubt you’ll have trouble achieving one if you take the time and put yourself in the right frame of mind and arousal. Plus, you mentioned in a comment on another post you had a rather large clitoris, so that should make things even easier, at least from a physical perspective. However, the main thing is having a positive attitude and focusing on your own pleasure. Some find that doing it themselves at first is the easiest way to start and then letting the husband help later on after they’ve achieved the first O. Takes the pressure off, somehow.
WOW! Thank you Scott for you detailed reply!
I want to be able to tell me DH that I haven’t o’ed yet and that I really want to. I just don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want it to be his mission and forget about the fun we are supposed to be having.
I have thought about a toy, but I am really worried it might intimidate him. I doubt they make any toys close to his size and if they did, what is the point of adding a similar one to our LMing?
Samantha, i would advise a toy designed for clitoral stimulation. As far as even entertaining the idea that it’s “wrong” or sinful, how is it different than Viagra for men in order to have sex? I had trouble w/O’s for the first time in my marriage when i hit perimenopause and i brought up a vibrator. At first my husband balked but i mentioned the above and how would it be different helping me when he had to take a pill to help him and women don’t have a pill? So i bought a small bullet vibe and he warmed to the idea and *I* was the one who was hesitant at first, feeling awkward. Well we just dove in and now he tells me to “get my toy” 🙂 We don’t use it every time but if we had to, he’s all on board as husbands usually absolutely go nuts when they see their wives experiencing pleasure in any way. We have yet to graduate to one that penetrates and that’s OK, i don’t know if my H would be into that but he’s very into me having an orgasm.
Your husband needs to know, he will “get over” any feelings of inadequacy should he have them. Tell him it will only add fun to the marriage bed AND, what i told my H anyway and it works..it takes some of the pressure off of him to get me there. He knows it takes intense clitoral stimulation (usually, generally) for women and if some of that is accomplished by a vibe, so be it 🙂
I would recommend getting a toy. Start with a bullet vibe, you will have to stress the point with him that this has nothing to do with him. I love it when my DW uses her bullet while we do PIV, it’s very arousing for me too and I love to see the pleasure she’s experiencing. Just last week I purchased the we-vibe sync and will get to use it for the first time tomorrow night when I get home but she has already tried it and it gets her wet and she O’s. It does have a piece that goes inside her but does not act as a replacement for him. I have not warmed up to the idea of her having a dildo, due to my low sexual self-esteem, because I don’t want to feel that she now has a direct replacement of me and is able to get off on it rather than getting off of me but again, that’s just the point I am at, being comfortable with my sexuality. For him, it could be different but I would introduce toys into your marriage slowly.
My DW did not have an O for many, many years into our marriage (over 20!) , and needless to say, it was a very frustrating situation for both of us. It is a long story, but I finally got up the courage to walk into a sex toy store and after going though many, many different toys discovered one that did the trick (a corded wand-style vibrator). As others have said, there are many kinds of toys in many shapes and sizes that don’t look like penises, and I am sure one of them will do the trick.
I would recommend starting at marrieddance.com. It’s a Christian-run website and safe, and it’s easy to discreetly order from it.
They do have some dildos, but none are the huge, lifelike penis-shaped ones you’re trying to avoid.
I’ll echo what many have said here. You’re not abnormal, and communication is the key to true intimacy. It took 7 years and the introduction of a toy for my wife to have her first orgasm. Over a decade later, that’s still the only way I can bring her to O (not for lack of trying in other ways). Be careful to keep your focus in the right place (mutual pleasure and intimate moments together), because if sex just becomes goal oriented it will be far less enjoyable for you both and will deprive you of the intimacy God created us to experience. The tipping point for us came after we read Sheet Music by Kevin Leman together. We’ve since given it as a wedding gift to many couples. It provides a great paradigm about sex and marriage and how to grow true intimacy in your marriage.