No sex after pregnancy. What should a husband do?

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    We are expecting soon and we are so excited. We will have two under two so we will have a busy house! I look forward to it because I love kids. My question is, do you have any tips for a husband as he waits to enjoy sexual intimacy with DW as she recovers from pregnancy? Last pregnancy DW gave me a HJ  and some no clothes heavy petting but they happened only a handful of times in the span of two months of recovery. It was very difficult. DW is still getting used to touching my penis (married half a decade) and doesn’t like to give me OS. I do not like to MB at all, but will if I feel like I’ll explode.

    Double bed Asked on April 21, 2020 in Pregnancy and Postpartum.

    I would get a hobby. Real busy hobby.

    Take part, change baby for her if she’s out of it. Any help with baby chores can help her get rest and be available. Time the feedings at night. Go as late as possible with baby feedings to go 3 to 5 hours at night as baby sleeps. You change baby, she feeds, unless you do bottle or pump.

    A baby is big responsibility and there is always new ideas that replace bad ones from other pregnancies. Friends/family may have better ideas as well.

    on April 21, 2020.

    I’m going to advise against a hobby.  That is a mistake I made.  Be present.

    on April 22, 2020.
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    12 Answer(s)
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      Talk about it now, with your wife, before she gives birth and you are in the midst of your “frustration”.  She needs to hear your fears and needs, and you need to hear hers.  See if you two can come up with a tentative plan on how you will take care of things during this time. Would she be willing to help meet your needs in another way, such as oral sex, manually, or even as someone suggested, breast sex?… but if she’s a breastfeeding momma, that may not be an option.  Would she give you the freedom to masturbate beside her, while you look upon her breasts or while you are just enjoying her presence?  Or are there other creative things you two can come up with? 

      But, also have the attitude of grace, because as we know, life can throw us curve balls.  Post-partum is a time where a woman’s body has just gone through some major changes and possibly even trauma, her hormones are all kinds of crazy, and she will be lacking sleep and will be E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D.   She is having to learn to be a mom to a new little person, who has a completely different personality and temperament she has to learn, and having baby #2 is totally different than baby #1 because now you can’t always “sleep when the baby sleeps”.

      Under the stars Answered on April 21, 2020.

      I do remember that we enjoyed breast sex a couple of times after baby #1 and MB with her topless. We haven’t done that since then so I can bring that up. Attitude of grace has always been a strong part of our marriage and I am more than willing to give that and not push her for whatever reason. I know she will be tired and go through a lot. I will be too due to full-time work, full-time school, and taking of chores and babies so I know that sex is one way I wind down so that will be a little different than usual, but very much doable. We already had a discussion about postpartum sex options, we just need one more convo to finalize a few things. Thank you for the insight!

      on April 21, 2020.
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        I can’t really answer without seeming callous. Suffice it to say it took my wife and I roughly 6 months to get back to PIV after #1. It takes two to tango. She has sacrificed her body and health for 9+ months. Hubbies have to sacrifice for a bit too.

        On the floor Answered on April 21, 2020.

        Hopefully the question didn’t come off as me sounding like a jerk or a whining baby who can’t wait two months for his DW while she recovers. Before getting married, I didn’t factor in or even think about recovery time for postpartum. But now I know. You’re 100% right, husbands must sacrifice too.

        on April 21, 2020.
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          I think you’ll just have to be content and patient with the HJs and heavy petting like you got last pregnancy.  That’s all I ever got after our pregnancies.  It’s rough, but you’ll survive.

          On the floor Answered on April 21, 2020.

          Good to know. The purpose of the question was to see how other couples handled it. Definitely, I will survive and can use that opportunity to love DW in ways that aren’t sexual, such as filling up her emotional love tank which is more of a priority for her, and do as much work around the house as possible so she gets plenty of rest.

          on April 21, 2020.

          Good on you.

          on April 22, 2020.
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            Straight up, boob and lube!!!
            Should be easy after pregnancy.
            And it’s as close to intercourse as you can get.

            Fell out of ... Answered on April 21, 2020.

            Nothing like the trusy ol’ #boobandlube!! It has worked well in the past for us.

            on April 21, 2020.
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              It’s definitely worth trying to have some conversations about her needs & your needs/desires after delivery to see about coming to an agreeable & flexible solution. It seems you have to overcome two issues: a physical one and a relational one. The second is a more difficult one to get through I think looking back at your last post pregnancy.

              A physical solution if she has a hard time with HJs and OS, what about a sleeve for you that she could help with and lay beside you for sexual connection?
              .

              Under the stars Answered on April 21, 2020.
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                It is a challenging time for couples, not only all the changes and work of a newborn, but the healing process and time before coming together again.  I agree that a discussion is a good thing.  My idea – time for something sexual is important – find a way to lighten her work load to make room for that time and the energy it requires.

                On the floor Answered on April 21, 2020.
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                  I would talk to her about it. Remember, women when they are pregnant or breast feeding make a lot of prolactin and kills their sex drive along with probably being tired taking care of baby. My wife said when she was taking care of our kids that age, she was “touched out” and didn’t feel like being all touchy sexually.

                  I wouldn’t push her too much to be sexual with you, give her a break during this time. If you are about to explode, I would mostly do it in private and not bug her. You could talk about that part now. This is probably the only time I think it is ok to masturbate without your partner. Now ideal, but you can get by for a few months until things are better with her. Don’t be telling her how horny you are all the time either, just makes her feel bad for not being sexual and she is already taking care of about all she can with a new baby.

                  On the floor Answered on April 22, 2020.
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                    Also – to those reading this post, I think this is a big area that we as Christians need to speak more to.  I know I struggled with lust more during my wife’s postpartum weeks than any other time in our relationship.  We need to be preparing young husbands and wives for this season a little better.  (End of soapbox rant.)

                    Queen bed Answered on April 22, 2020.
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                      HJ’s, breast sex, MB in front of her, etc. are good ideas. Another thing you might want to try is what I’ve heard referred to as “hot dog in the bun” sex.  Basically it is the husband rubbing himself on the wife’s behind. It can be done with clothes on, which means she could just lay down or lean over while y’all are together.

                      On the floor Answered on April 21, 2020.
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                        Agree with most here – talk about it before hand.  Identify your needs and that this is one area you do need help in still.  And, I wouldn’t be afraid to schedule it – maybe it’s a certain night(s) of the week, and maybe you can do something specific for her during that time, as well.  (Pick up dinner,  do a specific chore, indulge her with something she wants, etc.)  Ask her if there is specific touches/actions she would not be up for (example – my wife did not want any groping of her breasts during the breastfeeding months.) But communication is ideal.  Communicate on the subject and often.

                        Queen bed Answered on April 22, 2020.
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