Not completely honest before marriage

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    When dating my wife before we were married(both married once before and divorced). She always maintained that she was faithful to her husband even though he was not.  She said she only had sex 4 or 5 times a year in her first marriage and she let on that she was very sexually inexperienced.  After we were married for 3.5 years, she told me that she had sex with various people after she was separated from her first husband, including one night stands and interracial hookups.  This was a shock to me and goes against what she has always portrayed her morals to be.  It hurts me because she is very outgoing and telling me about the one night hook ups just did not fit with the person i have known for 4.5 years and married to for 3.5.  Now I do question her outgoing personality as a weakness and she is constantly being hit on by other guys/strangers when she is by herself.   She also told me that the hookups meant nothing to her and she thinks that sex is just an act!  Trying to wrap my head around this recent confession and wondering if i can fully trust her now knowing that she is an easy mark for womanizers, weak to resist and even welcomes the advances?.  Her looks are the most important thing to her so when a man acknowledges that to her, she falls for it and she said when they recognize her beauty that she is swept off her feet.   I also noticed that one of her one night hook up men was a friend on her Facebook account.  I questioned her on him and she de-friended him but i noticed that she always acknowledged his birthdays and career changes.  I appreciate her honesty but now i am questioning how much i can really trust her?  Our marriage and sex life is very good.  Funniest thing is that after she told me about her infidelities, I had a strong desire to have rougher sex and instead of making love, I wanted to F her like she was a one night hook-up.  In a strange way, i liked the freedom to treat her like i was just using her??

     

    Twin bed Asked on September 14, 2020 in MARRIED SEX.

    You did not allow more time for the relationship before marriage. In your revelation, you discovered she has fewer inhibitions than previously thought. It might also be easier to ask for certain sex acts than before you knew the real her.

    However,

    she is also very insecure and may change her feelings of satisfaction in the near future. Sexual or security, or monetary or even spiritual feelings may change. You need her to reveal her solid feelings about things and prove your own loyalty to the marriage and to the relationship together.

    on September 14, 2020.
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    15 Answer(s)

      Thanks everyone for the sound advice.  I’m new to this site and just found it by accident but I am very impressed because it is a safe place to talk about relationship questions and sex is such a big part of having a fun, exciting marriage.  Glad that as Christians we can remove sex talk as a taboo.   My wife and I are doing good and we have had some deep conversations about her going sideways after her separation.  She knows that hearing about her infideleties hurts me.   She also told me that had i asked her about her sexual past, she would have told me and i believe her.  I still think she talked around it by always mentioning that her husband had two affairs but that she was always faithful.  She was married when she was 19 and a virgin and her parents pushed her into marrying a pastors son but he turned out to be bitter and antagonistic against the church and Christianity.  That is why when the marriage ended she did not want to date anymore Christian men and was drawn into the world and its ways.  She says she really regrets what she did but refuses to feel shame or judgement.   We never know what someone else really goes through or why they make the decisions that they do but the important part is that they recognize what Christ offers us and that nothing beats that.   I’m not sure i would have told her about any of my failures before or after marriage?  Luckily, i did not have any even though i was separated/divorced for 7 years before we met and married.  I just did not want to commit adultery and my divorce took over 5 years to finalize.   She thinks that because she was separated and that the marriage was finished, that she was not committing adultery?   Another argument for another time.

      thanks again everyone.

       

      Twin bed Answered on September 15, 2020.

      Thank you for putting your initial post in better perspective.  Please know that God wants your present marriage not only to survive but to thrive (and we do too.)   Christ will make all things new ( Rev 21:5) if you both seek Him together, day by day and moment by moment.

      on September 15, 2020.

      Thank-you.  We are in a better place than a few weeks ago when this came out.  We have just started YouAndMeForever by Francis Chan and are reading it together.  Navigating life is better with a spouse that you can communicate with about anything/everything/nothing.

      thanks again!

      on September 15, 2020.

      Good to hear that you are still having open communication about this!

      on September 16, 2020.
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        With your words like “using her” and being a “hook-up”, they may mean exactly what you say…. but is there a chance some of the feelings behind this aggression could be more of “claiming” back what is yours?   Something that speaks a message to her and to you that, “You are mine!” and “She is mine!”?  If so, those are very common feelings and reactions.

        Under the stars Answered on September 15, 2020.

        That had not occurred to me… very insightful.

        on September 15, 2020.
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           She says she really regrets what she did but refuses to feel shame or judgement…..She thinks that because she was separated and that the marriage was finished, that she was not committing adultery? 

          This is a problem!!! It’s an attitude and condition of the heart and she is bringing that into your marriage.

          Also, by not asking some very important questions about each of your previous relationships and relationship with Christ, it’s now causing some significant issues that needs to be addressed. My DW & I asked the HARD questions about our pasts, habits, and behaviors. If anything came out now that didn’t like up with what we’ve shared previously, it’d be treated like we’d had an affair because we made our choice to marry in all honesty and disclosure. Nothing was out of bounds to ask or share.

          Marriage is about being completely “naked and unashamed” in Christ with each other. That’s true intimacy and only available when we as individuals are willing to take off our masks and be completely vulnerable.  The more both of you can dive in with a trained Christian counselor and address the past and present issues, the stronger and more transparent your marriage can be.  Marriage is about: to know and be known…to love and be loved…to serve and be served…and to celebrate or cry with and do the same with the other.

          Under the stars Answered on September 15, 2020.

          Yes, the “re-set” opportunity that this presents to do what wasn’t done before marrying… and it is promising that a deeper level of communication is already taking place.

          on September 15, 2020.
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            @NWNL, I can get what you are saying, but let’s say she is an Enneagram Type 5 or Type 6/w5.  Those types have a different way of relating to people and compartmentalizing things….they are very private people.  There’s not the same conviction and opinion on what sharing themselves looks like compared to other types.  Keeping things private and separate, isn’t even close to lying and being deceptive, particularly in their own thinking.  When @goodtude says she said, “She also told me that had i asked her about her sexual past, she would have told me and i believe her.”, I relate to that.  Many would say she is lying by omission, or like you, claiming she has a heart issue (and don’t we all?)… but her intent may not be nearly as deceptive as you are thinking.  From the OP’s side, it sounds like she presented herself one way…. but did she really go out intentionally giving that “false” impression, or was he reading into things and making assumptions?  Therefore, is the blame on her or on him?   Either way, it’s something they are in together and need to work through together, and hopefully they learn from it and change how they communicate from here on out.

            Under the stars Answered on September 15, 2020.
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              @SC, don’t get me wrong, the onus is on both of them for not asking the hard questions that would impact their marriage and potential decision to marry.  (Personally, I was not, nor my now wife, going to assume anything before we dated & married after our history and spouses’ choices. We got most of those questions out in the first two months of conversation and dating and still came back to them over the next year before we wed. I chose to volunteer stuff so that if she still wanted me and loved me for all my ugliness then she knew what she was choosing.)

              But I still put more on Goodtude’s wife, as I view the compartmentalization and immorality of her behavior along with her choices of adultery (yes, it was because she was still married) without repentance as a bigger issue than a simple personality trait. Yes, I’ll admit my bias and sensitivity throws red flags when I see that because my now ex chose to sin sexually and compartmentalize her life. That is how people start down a path of sin by justification and rationalization and what my ex did. That should never be downplayed.

              This a another reason why I am so big on TMB about getting professional Christian marriage counseling early and not let things fester. My ex never admitted or owned her affair. Ex claimed she was never asked about it in counseling and the counselor said he’d asked her that in a private session. Before that, she’d scoffed at me when I questioned her about talking about this certain man, which when the truth came out, she had her affair with him. So am big on addressing stuff early so that things aren’t allowed to fester, rationalize and justify poor behavior and compartmentalize their actions and life from any deserved scrutiny? You bet I am.

              Under the stars Answered on September 15, 2020.

              “But I still put more on Goodtude’s wife, as I view the compartmentalization and immorality of her behavior along with her choices of adultery (yes, it was because she was still married) without repentance as a bigger issue than a simple personality trait. ”

               

              I am not saying you are doing this,  but I would advise that you are careful not to.  You are saying that she was un-repentant,  but there was nothing in what was stated that would indicate that.  Obviously we only have second hand information  but the statement she made was “She says she really regrets what she did but refuses to feel shame or judgement.”  First of all,  I agree completely with the second part of it.  If she has repented of it, and you could argue either way,  but I will take her regret as an indication of repentance,  then we are told we are to not feel shame.  As for feeling judged,  there is only one judge, and if he has declared you not guilty,  then we shouldn’t allow others to judge us,  certainly not those who have no idea what it is like to walk in our shoes.

               

              I agree that this couple could benefit from couples counseling.  I would also say that she should see a counselor herself,  because her adulterous response is almost certainly rooted in something.  I think that if it isn’t addressed,  it might be something that arises in the future if faced with a circumstance that is somehow similar.  I don’t say that as a condemnation or a judgement against her,  but rather in concern for her.  It just appears to me that there is an issue that needs to be resolved.

               

              There is a lot to unpack here,  but I think it is a mistake to assume the worst.

              on September 18, 2020.

              Yes, it could be that maybe she no longer feels shame or judgement because she has experienced a complete freedom in Christ.

              While her confessions indicate certain regrets but others coupled with her behave, do not seem to me to  indicate repentance. Regret does not show repentance and a willingness to change (My DsD got in caught in stupid last week that if the plan had gone through and the worst case happened, she would have been in legal trouble along with potential legal, financial and reputation issues for our family. YEAH, it could’ve been that bad.)  She pulled the plug before it happened but everything came out. DsD regrets the fact that she’s lost the confidence and integrity with the adults she cares about BUT she isn’t sorry about what she did and the plans that were in play.  And as I’ve said before, my ex wife said she was sorry for hurting me yet her behavior both sexually with others for the last 13 yrs as well as her continued defiance and choices to hurt me, act selfishly, and even attack myself and my spouse now with lies & threats demonstrates a lack of Biblical repentance. Remorse? Fine, maybe. Repentance? As in Jesus’ words, go and sin no more? Not a chance.

              True repentance is demonstrated by an attitude of remorse AND action.  This wife is continuing to play with fire, doesn’t see that her past actions (adultery and the flirting) was wrong and continues with unhealthy boundaries.

              Again, you may be correct and she is completely repentant. I’m not trying to  judge and placing a sentence on her. On the other hand, this husband came here asking for advice about trusting his wife and I’m pointing out the inconsistencies I see in her attitude and continued behavior that I see are and will continue to be foundational trust and relationship issues until they are resolved in her. My concerns and advice would be the same I would do/give if my sister, in-laws, friends or team members came to me.

              on September 28, 2020.
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