Not completely honest before marriage

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    When dating my wife before we were married(both married once before and divorced). She always maintained that she was faithful to her husband even though he was not.  She said she only had sex 4 or 5 times a year in her first marriage and she let on that she was very sexually inexperienced.  After we were married for 3.5 years, she told me that she had sex with various people after she was separated from her first husband, including one night stands and interracial hookups.  This was a shock to me and goes against what she has always portrayed her morals to be.  It hurts me because she is very outgoing and telling me about the one night hook ups just did not fit with the person i have known for 4.5 years and married to for 3.5.  Now I do question her outgoing personality as a weakness and she is constantly being hit on by other guys/strangers when she is by herself.   She also told me that the hookups meant nothing to her and she thinks that sex is just an act!  Trying to wrap my head around this recent confession and wondering if i can fully trust her now knowing that she is an easy mark for womanizers, weak to resist and even welcomes the advances?.  Her looks are the most important thing to her so when a man acknowledges that to her, she falls for it and she said when they recognize her beauty that she is swept off her feet.   I also noticed that one of her one night hook up men was a friend on her Facebook account.  I questioned her on him and she de-friended him but i noticed that she always acknowledged his birthdays and career changes.  I appreciate her honesty but now i am questioning how much i can really trust her?  Our marriage and sex life is very good.  Funniest thing is that after she told me about her infidelities, I had a strong desire to have rougher sex and instead of making love, I wanted to F her like she was a one night hook-up.  In a strange way, i liked the freedom to treat her like i was just using her??

     

    Twin bed Asked on September 14, 2020 in MARRIED SEX.

    You did not allow more time for the relationship before marriage. In your revelation, you discovered she has fewer inhibitions than previously thought. It might also be easier to ask for certain sex acts than before you knew the real her.

    However,

    she is also very insecure and may change her feelings of satisfaction in the near future. Sexual or security, or monetary or even spiritual feelings may change. You need her to reveal her solid feelings about things and prove your own loyalty to the marriage and to the relationship together.

    on September 14, 2020.
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    15 Answer(s)

      A lot to unpack here, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

      One big question that needs to be asked–are you and/or your wife practicing, believing Christians?

      -Scott

      Under the stars Answered on September 14, 2020.
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        Yes we are

         

        Twin bed Answered on September 14, 2020.
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          I would strongly advise good Christian counseling. You have a lot going on here. I hope others can offer you more advice.

          California King Answered on September 14, 2020.
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            found out something new

            Did you both talk about sexual history before getting married, or were assumptions made on both sides about something that was not discussed?

            Our marriage and sex life is very good.  I appreciate her honesty but now i am questioning how much i can really trust her?

            Perhaps this is an opportunity to know each other better.  Maybe she is opening up because she trusts you more.  You can open the conversation with something like I’m glad you trust me to talk about what happened after you separated, but it concerns me.  Maybe she is very content with you and has no interest in that.  This is the kind of thing you want to be careful of jumping to conclusions (and accusations about).

            In a strange way, i liked the freedom to treat her like i was just using her??

            I do not think this was wise, and to be honest, it may work against your marriage and sex life that are currently good.

            On the floor Answered on September 14, 2020.
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              From what you have written, it seems to me that your definition of a “very good marriage” and mine are vastly different.  You say “I appreciate her honesty but now i am questioning how much i can really trust her? ”  Really?  You don’t already have the answer to that question?  If you are seeking validation of a relationship in which you  “had a strong desire to have rougher sex and instead of making love, I wanted to F her like she was a one night hook-up.  In a strange way, i liked the freedom to treat her like i was just using her??” you have come to the wrong place.   Nothing that you describe in your relationship is healthy, but I think that you already know that if you and your wife are Christians and that uneasy feeling you are sensing is likely the Holy Spirit calling you (both) to repentance.

              On the floor Answered on September 14, 2020.
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                Your marriage is good but you don’t trust her? She’s a Christian and is supposed to honor her marriage vows but instead had one night stands and is attracted to guys who give her attention and flirt while married?

                I’m not seeing the connection. I’m not seeing a virtuous and trustworthy wife. What I am seeing is the truth that this woman appears to compartmentalize her life and live without healthy relational boundaries. She doesn’t seem to want to honor you and “leave and cleave”. Your marriage foundation is in shaky ground because she lied about her past and if she lied about the past, what is the truth/can she tell the truth today?

                It seems to me, professional Christian counseling is in quick order. Her behavior and cavalier attitude toward you and your marriage together is only gonna put you guys on an eventual divorce tract. And if she doesn’t want to and won’t cooperate, personally, I might even recommend a separation until she understands how grave the situation is.

                You have the opportunity to do a marriage reset. To clear the air and patch the broken foundation of your marriage that was shaky because of her untruthfulness. You can get it all out it the open, work on what needs to be addressed, forgiven, etc or stumble along until the work is done OR more likely, it’ll all blow apart with an affair (based on her past behavior).

                On top of that, she still maintains contact and “thinking about” someone she slept with. UNACCEPTABLE!!! It begs the question, if she falls for praise and attention, what does she do when you’re not around? Again, it appears like an affair waiting to happen.

                Lastly, I’m concerned about your final thoughts about sex with your wife. It hardly seems like a healthy married couple making passionate love but instead, using her for your pleasure alone. The attitude shift doesn’t sound like you cherish her as your wife, but instead more like she’s your sex toy. Does that seems God-honoring and Christlike? This has nothing to do with passionate or “rough” sex, it has to do with an attitude shift in you because of her behavior. This, combined with her behavior, is what is making the alarm bells go off in me for your marriage.

                Under the stars Answered on September 15, 2020.

                Christian counselors rarely recommend a separation because it only leads to more temptation AND because the Bible specifically stated to only deprive the spouse for the purpose of prayer and fasting.

                on September 16, 2020.

                Not from my experience with couples, professional Christian counselors locally, and other well known ones like Henry Cloud and others from NEW LIFE LIVE. Recommending a separation also has to include a purpose, plan and, as you suggest, built in accountability. I’ve been a part of that for individuals.

                In this situation, it isn’t about agreeing to a time of no sex for pray and fasting (although pray and fasting should be happening), it’s about giving a wake up call to the spouse, doing a relational reset and building a new foundation going forward. This wife is heading the wrong direction and if an intervention does’t take place, I can nearly guarantee a divorce will be in their future at some point down the road, sadly,  probably sooner than later.

                on September 28, 2020.
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                  Her having sex after she was divorced wouldn’t bother me at all. It shows she has some interest in sex. Although I think it is way better to be married when having sex, it wouldn’t bother me if my wife had sex with someone else before we got married.  Now after marriage, that is a different thing.

                  On the floor Answered on September 15, 2020.
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                    There is much going on here and you’ve received some good advice. I’ll try to add some positive thoughts to keep it from getting too negative:

                    – You are having good sex and communicating. Yes, this has raised some serious and valid concerns, but it is also a great place to start from.

                    – It’s not at all unusual for someone coming out of a marriage where they were cheated on to end up “playing the field” and having some less than meaningful sex for a time. Not right, and not common on a Christian based marriage forum. But I can absolutely see the temptation. Some grace and serious communication of clear expectations seems in order.

                    -With regards to the rough sex after the wife’s admissions. I don’t think this all that uncommon either. A fair percentage of both women and men clearly enjoy some passionate, rough, “being taken” type sex where they let go of their inhibitions. Talking about past experiences where we are able to view our spouse as a purely sexual being is a common trigger for this behavior in the secular world. The challenge here is to see if you can channel this is a God and marriage honoring way.

                    Fell out of ... Answered on September 15, 2020.
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                      Ron, I guess I took it as separated meant still married but from your perspective, it could’ve meant after the divorce. Either way, wife was less than forthcoming, I’d say dishonest by omission according to the OP.  (Apparently, OP should’ve asked more, deeper and better questions but that’s water under the bridge now.) Trust is a major issue now in there relationship. This man is asking, where is the truth? What is the truth? What am I to believe when we talk? And if it were me, I couldn’t go forward without a lot of counseling and soul-searching. Admittedly, that’s my perspective and my bias comes from years of life & ministry and an ex-wife who cheated on me and filed for divorce.

                      If she’s truly a Christ-follower, her moral compass is/was off and there’s some things going on down inside that she’s looking for value and love in all the wrong places. I’d want to know why she chose what she chose because TBH, I’ve seen too many times where past behavior is a good predictor of future actions…WITHOUT divine intervention and change.

                      QUESTIONS FOR WIFE: what is so attractive about hook ups and sex with strange men? What is so appealing about that and going against the faith you claim and profess?

                      If I couldn’t get reasonable AND repentant answers, there would probably be counseling and a separation in order to offer wife a wake-up call ’cause the marriage is headed for a train wreck in the future, either soon or 5-10 years down the road so better to address it now.

                      Under the stars Answered on September 15, 2020.
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                        Your desire to treat her like a hookup might be coming from a place of hurt and wanting revenge.  This is a bad slope to start sliding down.  We don’t ever want to start using our spouse.  You are removing the sacrificial love part of the marriage relationship that is so necessary to grow in intimacy.  I would echo the others on here that have suggested you two seek a good counselor ASAP!  Hurt and resentment is building, and that barrels towards a blow up if left unresolved.

                        On the floor Answered on September 15, 2020.
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