Not satisfied, but also feel stuck.

    I’m looking to see if there’s any advice or inspiration that I haven’t thought of or tried…

    I feel I am between a rock and a hard place.  Last week, my husband asked if I was satisfied with our sex life the way it is (a TGH prompt), that was an easy, quick answer for me, “No.  I know it can be better …… BUT, I also know that it’s all I can do at this time.”

     

    What does one do when they know things can be better and improve, and they feel they should be doing something, but because of personal limitations, they also feel like they really can’t do more than they are already doing, and that they are giving all they can?

    Add Comment
    13 Answer(s)

      What does one do when they know things can be better and improve, and they feel they should be doing something, but because of personal limitations, they also feel like they really can’t do more than they are already doing, and that they are giving all they can?

      SC, I like what HM said above. Since I don’t have specifics, I can’t honestly speak to your issues well. However, I can speak generally and in relation to my situations, even right now. Off the top of my head, if I am at my limits at work or home, here are some questions I ask in stressful and limiting times (in other words right now and the past five months plus every Fall, Cmas, Easter and Spring):

      • What is draining/limiting me?
      • Is this something I can address with some effort or is it only God’s issue to handle?
      • How long is this path or pace sustainable for me to maintain my spiritual, emotional and physical well-being?
      • What will the end result be if I continue on this path or at this pace? Will I be satisfied with that result?
      • Am I working in my giftedness?
      • What can I offload/stop doing to release the pressure and/or increase my capacity?
      • Is there someone(s) I need to train to do something/help?
      • What do I need to start doing to increase my emotional capacity and replenish my soul?
      • What do my spiritual, emotional and physical gauges read?
      • Am I caring well for my spiritual well-being? Emotional well-being? Physical well-being?
      • Is there a deeper well that I can/need to draw from?
      • Is God asking me to stretch more (like God asked Moses to stretch out his hand…to pick up the snake…etc) and grow because He will give me strength?

      OK, you get the idea. Finally, with all that said and all that done, I have to come to a place where I rest in the truths that God loves me, He desires the best for me,  and IF I’m walking in full obedience, then that is enough for him and therefore, it must be enough for me until He directs me differently.

      Under the stars Answered on August 5, 2020.

      Great list of questions for self-assessment, NWNL!

      on August 5, 2020.

      Thanks for the questions!

      on August 5, 2020.
      Add Comment

        Great question SC and one perhaps we should be asking our spouse as well as a matter of better understanding if we are meeting the needs of the other. Help me to understand a bit better when you said in one sentence “lack of satisfaction as a good sign because he saw it as a desire to improve” and then in the next sentence speaking about contentment. I take the latter to mean that in your current physical state there are limitations to what you can do so you are content, resting in Christ because that is where you are at physically, while the lack of satisfaction seems to center around your desire to improve in TMB in some way that will bless your husband.  It seems to me that you have already started the journey of improving by first recognizing that feeling of being stuck between a rock and hard place. It also seems to me that you are looking at how you get out of that place. Is it an issue of performance or position and by position I don’t mean Missionary or WOT, etc. but where you are at in your life stage, things that can be related to health (mental, physical, spiritual)?

        If it’s related to performance, you have posted some great resources on other threads, just go back and read them for yourself again to be refreshed. None of us who are serious about reading the Bible only read it once. We go back over it again and again and glean new truth and application from passages we have read many times before. I think it’s the same with material on TMB.

        If it’s about health issues (mental, physical, spiritual) then you have already indicated a contentment with where you are right now believing and committing them to Christ. Continue to pray to that end for healing in order to have that sense of satisfaction for both you and your husband. It seems to me that your husband’s question was out of genuine concern for where you are and how he can help you through it. So perhaps you start there, with a follow up discussion with him, since the only Biblical means of a satisfying sex life come in your relationship with Christ and with your husband. It goes without saying that I (as well as I’m sure others here) will be praying for you in this journey.

        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 5, 2020.

        Thanks HM.  First, yes, you read the “contentment” part right.  I also would say it is more about “position” rather than “performance.”

        “Help me to understand a bit better when you said in one sentence “lack of satisfaction as a good sign because he saw it as a desire to improve” “

        I believe he means, he recognizes that our sex life is not where it was in the “good times” and the fact that I am not just satisfied with it where it is, means that I don’t have a desire, or plans, to just stay here for the rest of our days.  It gives a hope that better days and times could be coming.  That hope makes it easier for him to be patient and content himself, because he sees this as a “season”.

        on August 5, 2020.
        Add Comment

          I have been in places of illness where we were very limited, even no PIV. Neither of us were happy about that, but if the attitudes of the heart are in a good place, you can be content as others have mentioned. It is really the attitudes and desires that create intimacy, not specific acts.
          Is it something that can be changed by a different perspective?

          On the floor Answered on August 5, 2020.
          Add Comment

            What does one do when they know things can be better and improve, and they feel they should be doing something, but because of personal limitations, they also feel like they really can’t do more than they are already doing, and that they are giving all they can?”

            -Communicate all that lovingly and often to your spouse

            -Do what you reasonably can to overcome the ‘personal limitations’ if possible

            -Pray

            -Don’t beat yourself up because you can’t do everything you feel you “should” do.

            Queen bed Answered on August 10, 2020.
            Add Comment

              @SC is it an intimacy malaise (not just sexual) between you and your DH that’s creating the ‘stuck’ feeling? An intimacy that just enjoys being and being together – in conversation, in comforting silence, next to each reading a book, cuddled while enjoying music or a good movie, touching each other with no destination in mind . . . .

              Under the stars Answered on August 4, 2020.

              It could definitely be a part, though I am not sure. I will have to give it some more thought.

              on August 5, 2020.
              Add Comment

                What does one do when they know things can be better and improve, and they feel they should be doing something, but because of personal limitations, they also feel like they really can’t do more than they are already doing, and that they are giving all they can?

                That is a question most spouses ask themselves at various points in their lives – IF they are taking their relationship seriously. So I commend you for contemplating it! It shows you care and are aware.

                In my mind, instead of just trying harder, it becomes a matter of my partnership with Jesus. He enables me to do what I can do and He also helps out with what I can’t do! No, I’m not saying “I can do anything and everything through Christ who strengthens me.” But rather, all the things I do, I can do them through Christ who strengthens me.  His strength is made visible and perfect in my weaknesses.  This doesn’t mean I can do everything either. Wisdom and discernment are still needed to know if I am doing all I can and should. Reprioritization might be needed too.

                Under the stars Answered on August 5, 2020.
                Add Comment

                  @Tabitha – Yes, guilt and shattered expectations can steal joy but please consider that what you are trying to tell yourself and justify is the truth and God-honoring because it’s not the truth…nor does it honor God’s plan and design for a husband and wife.

                  Actually, numerous statistics and studies would disagree, let alone your body was designed by God for sexual pleasure and oxytocin and endorphins are released as a part of sex. In males, oxytocin is released as a part of sex whereas a woman can receive it from several sources so you are denying your husband something that will bond the two of you together. Why would you choose to do that and have you thought about the long term ramifications to your marriage relationship? I can tell you where most couples end up after 15-25 yrs of that, in affairs, in porn, or single from being in divorce court.

                  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201707/the-secret-reason-why-sex-is-so-crucial-in-relationships

                  https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/316593

                   

                  Under the stars Answered on August 8, 2020.
                  Add Comment

                    I’ve asked this before, but I’m going to ask it again–do you want general answers, answers tailored to what we know of you and your relationship based upon what you’ve shared at TMB over months/years, or both?

                    -Scott

                    Under the stars Answered on August 4, 2020.

                    Whatever people can give. 🙂

                    on August 4, 2020.

                    I am pretty good at filtering through things I know don’t apply to me.

                    on August 4, 2020.
                    Add Comment

                      Why do you think he was asking, primarily for you or primarily for him?  Sometimes I think a question like this isn’t maybe a good question to ask. because anything could be better in some way, right?  That is always going to put one to feeling like it isn’t enough, or they aren’t doing enough, or they aren’t enough, and so on.  Is there an upside to asking _this_ question?

                      Maybe a better question is, are you content?  Is He content?  That can depend on personalities.  For someone who is generally content, it might be an easy yes.  For someone always reaching for the stars, an easy no.  Sometimes it is time to reach for the stars, and perhaps sometimes it is time to be content.

                      On the floor Answered on August 4, 2020.
                      Add Comment

                        That’s what i was thinking…contentment.  Sometimes you are forced to feel that way, speaking of my own situation (not to rain on anyone’s parade) but sometimes there isn’t much you CAN do (like health issues) so you choose contentment and thankfulness.

                        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 4, 2020.
                        Add Comment

                        Your Answer

                        By posting your answer, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.