Nothing is better than something.
I find myself facing a rather confusing struggle and wonder what peoples thoughts are. I have been traveling for most of the CoronaVirus crisis, with only a few days at home. I find that the more isolated I have been, the less likely I am to reach out, I suspect that is partly because most contact has left me largely unfulfilled. There has been daily phone conversation, and for the last few days even video chatting with my wife, but it is always superficial at best, and usually seems to be centered around the negative. In short, what human contact I manage to have generally leaves me feeling worse off than no human contact. That has made me reluctant to reach out, and reluctant to answer when my wife does. I always answer if she calls, but often it feels like an intrusion. Since my day is pretty empty, I don’t know why it would feel like an intrusion, but it does.
The isolation is slowly taking it’s toll, and has led to some pretty dark days, but it feels better than the alternative.
My eyes are heavy and I am shutting things down, but I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you tonight. I will talk to you more tomorrow. Hang in there, you are not alone, even if it feels that way…. listen to Waymaker if you need some hope.
“…I always answer if she calls, but often it feels like an intrusion. Since my day is pretty empty, I don’t know why it would feel like an intrusion, but it does….”
That sounds like how I feel when I am borderline depressed – and the phone call could be anybody close. It’s like depression’s signature is a pull into self – not the regular necessary retreat from the world, but one that is less purposeful and yet causes more frustration if the bubble of isolation is broken.
For me, what seems to help here is remembering God’s purpose for my life. Meditating on it, resting in it and then out of His strength purposefully connecting with other people in good ways. If I don’t do the first step but instead just try to reach out first, I tend to find that I don’t really connect and the bit that I do ends up just feeling forced because I’m doing it my own strength. In this way the unhealthy retreat into self is turned into a proper time away and the ennui is often banished a day or two.
Anyways, I hope that helps.
I’m sorry to hear that. Traveling and being alone isn’t healthy emotionally at this time. It sounds like depression and it obviously isn’t doing good for you…and you took a big step with admitting your need and asking for help!
When I was fighting depression and anxiety after my divorce, I found I had to take one day at a time and one decision at a time. Each time I was challenged by a friend to do something for myself, something that I would feel better about myself. I was also challenged to serve someone else, to do something for a person to think about their benefit and help. Paul wrote that we’re to take every thought captive (2 Cor 10:5) and be transformed by the renewing of our mind (ROM 12:2).
This doesn’t dismiss doctors and medicine because if there’s an imbalance in the body & brain, if may take just that. During my dark time, I finally had to seek help and got my first full 8 hrs of sleep night after night in a few yrs after getting some medicine to deal with my anxiety….and I also received professional Christian counseling and accountability with great friends.
I’d encourage you to make decisions as I mentioned and to reach out with honesty to your wife and good Christian friends. It’s also a great time to seek a Christian counselor, many are doing telecounseling already from around the country. Prayers my friend.
It is hard to be apart, and being apart makes things harder. Isolation and all of the ramifications of Covid are taking their toll on everyone. Lord, I pray for Doug this morning that he would be lifted and strengthened. I pray that you would make it known that you are with him and that he is not isolated and by himself. I pray for his wife and his family that your presence comforts them and that they remain strong for your purposes. I also pray that though they feel distance between them that you say let no one separate (Matt 19:6) and that this distance lessens. I pray also Father that though times are a struggle right now that we remember to hold on and persevere in your strength. Amen.
I agree with all of these previous suggestions. Depression is real and it often times is less “sadness” and more of a “bleh” feeling about life or existence.
Whether it is clinical depression depends on a doctor, but I can say you are weakened or vulnerable, and our enemy Satan will use that to divide you from the ones you love and need the most. Like a lion and a wounded gazelle.
I pray the Lord heals you, either by his word and presence, or by the amazing medicine he has gifted to doctors.
Love in Christ.
Just a quick comment: for starters, sorry to hear about your situation. One recommendation that will help somewhat: initiate conversations that will make you look to the positives rather than the negatives. By that, I mean read a devotional and scripture together with your wife and discuss it. Also, before signing off, each list off the best part of your day and something you’re thankful for. And it can be little and insignificant – mine has been my Audible book, my walk around the neighborhood, etc. But positive responses will breed positive conversations in times like this. My dad always told me when you think right, you’ll do right, which will make you feel right. Perhaps overly simplistic, but still a good thought.