October 9, 2020 – QOTD
My DH has this one thing that he is super good at, and its one thing that I am not good at. So all our married life he tried to get me to do it his way, and it never worked. I almost felt traumatized by it and I always felt like he thought my way wasn’t good enough. A year ago, he came on the scene once more, with strong direction. I kindly asked if it was ok to do how I felt comfortable, and sure, that was fine by him. Later I asked him why he was always trying to make me do it his way, when he knew I was traumatized by it. I told him I dreaded these scenarios, because I felt he was always making me do it like he thought, even when I was capable of doing it my own way. He informed me he was trying to make my life easier. So here I was mad about this for all our married life because of what I thought he was doing, but his motive was totally different.
So the other night, the wife and I were in bed talking about marriage problems vs interpersonal problems as we’re preparing to lead a group study VERTICAL MARRIAGE. She gave an example of if a couple was trying to get out of debt and one spouse got some credit cards without telling and ran them up to $10-20k. I could feel my blood boil just as if she had done that. Like I was ready to take action with her for her financial unfaithfulness…and let me again state, she had NOT done anything it was just an example!!! It was awhile before my blood pressure returned to normal. I still get “excited” just thinking about that. I would be pissed if she ever did that!!!! And the thing is, because of her first marriage, she is debt averse so it’s not even in her nature to think that way. But man was I mad just thinking about her doing that (which she hadn’t done anything). 😀
We’ve both had dreams before where the other had a dream and woke up mad at the other. I’ve had one, she’s had more than one.
My DH has a couple of typical reactions that frustrate me and when I see them coming I sometimes get mad in advance. Last Saturday we were making food to take to a meal with my parents and I needed him to do something. I discovered the reason he wasn’t available was that he was looking for something that was lost. When he can’t find something, he is relentless. Often he will not do anything else until he has found the thing he is searching for, and he will talk about it constantly. It’s like an extreme itch that he cannot ignore until he has scratched it. My philosophy, unless I need whatever it is right then, is usually that it will turn up eventually. I needed his help and I was just certain he would not be able to focus on anything until we had found that thing, so I stopped what I was doing and (not proud of this!!) made it very obvious how annoying it was that he reacts that way and exaggerated (though not by much) how upended life would be for everyone until it was found, and searched angrily but thoroughly until I couldn’t think of anywhere else to search and he finally convinced me he would not do it this time. I really made my point…and made him feel devalued in the process. I would take it back if I could, but that’s the whole point of trying not to sin in the first place: I can be forgiven, but my DH will still feel bad. I should have gently told him what I was afraid would happen, and then decided whether I wanted to help him look in hopes of getting him past it sooner or just keep working on the food by myself and hope he would get peace about it on his own. (I am actually better at finding things, so there is merit in me helping.) Either way, I should have been much nicer.
As with several other answers, dreams have certainly caused this in the past.
But the situation that popped into my head was maybe 5-6 months ago. We were having a sex-related conversation before going to sleep and something came up such that I made a reference to having sex 5 days straight (or something similar). We’re not sure exactly what she said, but what I heard was her saying something about how my penis couldn’t manage that, which really hurt me (I’ve had one case of DE, plus I usually need a little hand/physical stimulation to get hard enough for penetration, so I’m sensitive in this area). She maintains she never said that.
Needless to say, I just stopped talking and rolled over to go to sleep. Hardly spoke with her for the next two days, by which time I’d hurt her, so after clearing things up it took another couple days before she was no longer hurt. All of this because I was a butthead when I thought she was putting down my penis!
Yes, MrsN, that was my intention and what happened in our house the other night. My blood was boiling just because we were talking about it. I was imagining how mad and hurt I would be if my wife was financially unfaithfulness. It was funny for DW…but not for me.