October 9, 2020 – QOTD

How you ever been mad at your spouse for something they did NOT do? What was it and why were you mad?

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8 Answer(s)

    My DH has this one thing that he is super good at, and its one thing that I am not good at. So all our married life he tried to get me to do it his way, and it never worked. I almost felt traumatized by it and I always felt like he thought my way wasn’t good enough. A year ago, he came on the scene once more, with strong direction. I kindly asked if it was ok to do how I felt comfortable, and sure, that was fine by him. Later I asked him why he was always trying to make me do it his way, when he knew I was traumatized by it. I told him I dreaded these scenarios, because I felt he was always making me do it like he thought, even when I was capable of doing it my own way. He informed me he was trying to make my life easier. So here I was mad about this for all our married life because of what I thought he was doing, but his motive was totally different.

    Under the stars Answered on October 9, 2020.
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      So the other night, the wife and I were in bed talking about marriage problems vs interpersonal problems as we’re preparing to lead a group study VERTICAL MARRIAGE.  She gave an example of if a couple was trying to get out of debt and one spouse got some credit cards without telling and ran them up to $10-20k. I could feel my blood boil just as if she had done that. Like I was ready to take action with her for her financial unfaithfulness…and let me again state, she had NOT done anything it was just an example!!! It was awhile before my blood pressure returned to normal. I still get “excited” just thinking about that. I would be pissed if she ever did that!!!! And the thing is, because of her first marriage, she is debt averse so it’s not even in her nature to think that way. But man was I mad just thinking about her doing that (which she hadn’t done anything). 😀

      We’ve both had dreams before where the other had a dream and woke up mad at the other. I’ve had one, she’s had more than one.

      Under the stars Answered on October 9, 2020.
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        My DH has a couple of typical reactions that frustrate me and when I see them coming I sometimes get mad in advance. Last Saturday we were making food to take to a meal with my parents and I needed him to do something. I discovered the reason he wasn’t available was that he was looking for something that was lost. When he can’t find something, he is relentless. Often he will not do anything else until he has found the thing he is searching for, and he will talk about it constantly. It’s like an extreme itch that he cannot ignore until he has scratched it. My philosophy, unless I need whatever it is right then, is usually that it will turn up eventually. I needed his help and I was just certain he would not be able to focus on anything until we had found that thing, so I stopped what I was doing and (not proud of this!!) made it very obvious how annoying it was that he reacts that way and exaggerated (though  not by much) how upended life would be for everyone until it was found, and searched angrily but thoroughly until I couldn’t think of anywhere else to search and he finally convinced me he would not do it this time. I really made my point…and made him feel devalued in the process. I would take it back if I could, but that’s the whole point of trying not to sin in the first place: I can be forgiven, but my DH will still feel bad. I should have gently told him what I was afraid would happen, and then decided whether I wanted to help him look in hopes of getting him past it sooner or just keep working on the food by myself and hope he would get peace about it on his own. (I am actually better at finding things, so there is merit in me helping.) Either way, I should have been much nicer.

        Under the stars Answered on October 9, 2020.

        @Duchess, I am laughing over your description of your DH being a relentless searcher. So is mine!! You described it perfectly! Except mine will search relentlessly for a long time and eventually give it all up as lost. He is a better ‘hunter’ than I am, except for the fridge and pantry. He can search high and low and not find what he is looking for, because it’s right in front of him, LOL. I still chuckle over this one. We had long distance company recently, who stayed for several days. They had small children, 2 of which used pacifiers, and each had a couple of them. When they left, one pacifier could not be found. The mom offered a small cash reward and sent all the children searching. Eventually they all gave up. Suddenly, DH shows up at the table, holding the much wanted item. Yes, he had found it and he was pretty pleased. He found it in or behind, my kitchen mixer bowl which is stored on an out of the way shelf. He got his reward!

        on October 9, 2020.
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          I have had dreams about DW cheating on me and when I woke up I was mad her. The weird part was I stayed mad her all day. Lol So stupid of me!!

          Cot Answered on October 9, 2020.
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            As with several other answers, dreams have certainly caused this in the past.

            But the situation that popped into my head was maybe 5-6 months ago. We were having a sex-related conversation before going to sleep and something came up such that I made a reference to having sex 5 days straight (or something similar). We’re not sure exactly what she said, but what I heard was her saying something about how my penis couldn’t manage that, which really hurt me (I’ve had one case of DE, plus I usually need a little hand/physical stimulation to get hard enough for penetration, so I’m sensitive in this area). She maintains she never said that.

            Needless to say, I just stopped talking and rolled over to go to sleep. Hardly spoke with her for the next two days, by which time I’d hurt her, so after clearing things up it took another couple days before she was no longer hurt. All of this because I was a butthead when I thought she was putting down my penis!

            -Scott

            Under the stars Answered on October 9, 2020.
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              I used to blame him for stuff the kids did. But there were also times I blamed the kids and he was the one doing it.

              On the floor Answered on October 9, 2020.

              Me too!

              on October 9, 2020.
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                I could see this question being understood a different way. Being mad at a spouse because they didn’t do something.

                California King Answered on October 9, 2020.

                Glass half full/half empty…

                on October 9, 2020.

                @Scott+Zelda I was more trying to be funny– it’s purely semantics, no negativity or bad motives influencing.

                on October 9, 2020.

                Sorry…didn’t mean to imply negativity/bad motives. As a pragmatist that tends to view the world as equations and probability fields, half empty = half full, so I have no opinion either way on it. 🙂

                -Scott

                on October 9, 2020.

                Ah, see now what you meant. Ha.

                on October 9, 2020.
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                  Yes, MrsN, that was my intention and what happened in our house the other night. My blood was boiling just because we were talking about it. I was imagining how mad and hurt I would be if my wife was financially unfaithfulness. It was funny for DW…but not for me.

                  Under the stars Answered on October 9, 2020.

                  @NWNL: that’s not what she means.

                  You were mad because of an action your DW never did.

                  @MrsNerd is describing being mad for an inaction that the spouse actually did.

                  For instance, and using financial matters again, @MrsNerd’s scenario would involve e.g. not paying the credit card before the due date, when the spouse was supposed to. Thus, your scenario had the spouse doing something bad, whereas for @MrsNerd’s scenario it’d be the spouse not doing something good (that was expected of them.)

                  -Scott

                  on October 9, 2020.
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