How can I deal with the shame after being involved in an online affair with a man I never met? I can easily sweep this under the rug and try to forget it, he won’t know if I don’t tell him, but God is pressing me to confess what I did. I have felt so depressed and shameful ever since breaking off the online texting relationship.
I agree with everything SC said. I would advise you to take some time to ask yourself some difficult questions before you confess to your husband.
I was in a similar situation, only it evolved into a physical affair. It was 10 years in the past, and there was no way it was ever going to be discovered. I believe the amount of time that passed, and the fact that we had been working to really restore our marriage for awhile when I confessed, allowed my wife to deal with it more easily than if it had been a recent event. The simple fact is that it is hard for everyone. It may feel like you are dumping your shame onto your husband, and letting him deal with it. It will likely feel that way to him as well. The one question my wife asked, was the one that I had no answer for. She asked simply “Why was I telling her”. I think she believed that I was dumping my guilt and shame on her, so I didn’t have to deal with it, to clear my conscience at her expense. Maybe there was a grain of truth in that, but it wasn’t the whole truth.
I can tell you that confession was probably the one thing that pushed each of us into a season of growth, and we have a good, strong marriage now, based on truth.
On the other hand, I know it won’t be that way for everyone. Some spouses would likely have a very difficult time processing and forgiving. I had to realize and accept that the confession might end my marriage, right when we had done so much to restore it. It really was the last piece for me, and it was by far the most difficult.
Take some time before you jump into confessing to your husband. Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons, pray about it, and invite others to pray about it. Also pray for Gods timing. I believe he made me understand when it was the right time, but it was only after a great deal of painful introspection.
The start is confessing….
First to God, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
And to others, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” James 5:16
My suggestion is confessing to others as well as your husband. It would be good for you to have support around you. Have a few friends you can talk to and process with. Friends who will pray for you, who will speak truth but also live grace.
If you need to talk more privately, and you need a listening and understanding ear, you are welcome to PM me.
Praying for you: that you will be given wisdom as you work through your urge to confess and work on growing your marriage. I see your user name means butterfly in French; what better symbol for starting fresh and soaring on wings of growth! God bless you and your DH.