I want to welcome you here too! Thanks for asking your question.
NWNL has some good ideas which I affirm.
My perspective is that you need to make your relationship with your DW the priority and then make that clear to her. Coaxing and even communicating won’t help much if she isn’t convinced first that you are putting her and the relationship ahead of your desires. There may be situations where the relationship is such that a little more talking or convincing will change things. But, in most cases it takes sacrificial commitment to the spouse and the relationship to nurture openness to greater intimacy in marriage itself, and more specifically, in the MB.
When she sees that kind of commitment in you, then greater intimacy is possible. Then other things are possible too. I’m not saying you’re not committed. But wondering if she is convinced you are. (we all need to give our spouses that assurance over and over again.)
First things first. Before trying to coax her to change her mind, you need to find out the why first. Once you know her reason, then you can move forward. You can’t coax someone into doing something until you know the reasons behind the refusal first. Coaxing without knowing will only cause harm and damage.
Welcome Mm to the forums. It seems to me the place to start is in your communication with your wife. What changed in her and your relationship? When did it change? Why did it change? How have you communicated to her your desire? AND more importantly, have you listened to her responses as to what, why and how things changed?
It’s hard to convince someone to change…BUT it’s a lot easier and builds intimacy to ask questions and listen to the answers as to The Who, what when, where, why, and how, sharing feelings and desires. Communication can be the oil that helps reduce the hardened rust of the heart and mind of a person and spouse.
My wife is the same way, we did oral sex on each other when we first got married, but wife wanted to give it less and less and wasn’t crazy about getting it. She has given me oral in several years, I still give it to her occasionally, but a lot of times when I start, she starts getting pretty excited and makes me stop. That I don’t understand.
My wife would say that its too sensitive down there and says she wants me up here. (close enough to kiss) Also, without practice, our methods as men get poor. Then, if you do it on her once, she isn’t all that impressed so, why do it? Also, as young couples, (my opinion, correct me if necessary) wives tend to be easily convinced that a sex act is good and good enough to participate in. After awhile, she questions why any sex is necessary. My wife once said, “why would anyone want to go down there anyway?” It leaves me speechless. Couple of years ago, my wife allowed it twice in two consecutive days. It was great, but she was in a mood where she saw our marriage going downhill and wanted to thrill me to keep me. A few days after that, accused me of an affair. (which was ludicrous).
In the shower a few months ago, I asked her for two licks after her shaving was done. She complied, I got 4. Then she withdrew. Why? Idunno. Nothing else since then and she refuses to do any oral…So I am like you, wondering what the key is.
Also, if my wife thought better of me, respected me more, I might be more convincing. But, Unemployed for 5 years until 2017, and now on furlough… What woman would want to be with me let alone an exciting intimate moment? So perhaps in some women this is a barrier.