Oversensitive clit can’t make it to orgasm

    Hello, 

    I posted a more specific question recently (about HBC), but I thought I’d open it up more broadly. I’ll start with the problem/question and then go into the background. Apologies if this question has already been asked; there’s a lot to sort through!

    Problem/question: I don’t have a problem with achieving sexual pleasure with my husband, sometimes with high intensity (gasping, [good] tears, etc), but I have never made it past that point to orgasm in 1.5 years of marriage. I think this is what is referred to as a cliff. But I don’t get stuck on the cliff; I fall off it abruptly. From rising intense pleasure I reach a point whether either my clitoris instantaneously becomes too sensitive and painful to touch, or just totally non-responsive. I have read about other people having this problem, but haven’t yet found a way past it. After “falling off the cliff” I can occasionally be slowly and carefully brought back to the same level of pleasure, but often I’m done for the night.

    Background:

    To prevent the lists of “have you tried this”, here is where we are at.

    History/head space: I grew up pretty conservative and never explored sexually before marriage. However, since I have been married, I think I have grown to have a pretty healthy view of sex, enjoy it greatly, and am comfortable with receiving pleasure. I do, however, feel quite down (like a failure) about not being able to orgasm when I focus on it. When I’m not worried about orgasm, I have great sex, when I think about it too much, it’s just disappointing. But I haven’t had any luck with “not trying” either. 

    Relationship: husband and I have good communication, trust, etc. He is servanthearted and desires to please. We often “warm up” to sex with positive interactions throughout the day.

    Hormones: I was on HBC for the first year of our marriage, and have been off it for the past 5ish months to see if it made a difference, with no notable change and will probably go back on HBC shortly. My body definitely changes over a cycle as far as lubrication, etc, but haven’t noticed that I’m definitely getting “closer” at one time of the month. 

    Foreplay/technique: we frequently spend a lot of time in foreplay, with manual/oral clitoral stimulation. PIV plus manual stimulation seems to be the most consistent at bringing pleasure. We’ve also tried different PIV positions. I’ve heard it suggested to just “keep going” with clitoral stimulation for as long as it takes, even hours, but with my clit sensitivity that just sounds physically- and emotionally- painful.

    Masturbation: I will frequently self-stimulate while being sexual with my husband. I don’t have any desire to separate my sexuality from my husband by trying to orgasm while he is not present.

    Vibrators: haven’t tried one yet, but am open to it. Any suggestions for a sensitive clit? Would prefer one that lends itself to being used with my husband rather than alone. 

    Other: have tried kegels on and off without commitment… I’ve heard it suggested that if the clitoris isn’t working to try for GSpot orgasms but not really sure where to start… any other ideas?

     

    Thank you!

     

     

    It says 3 comments, but I can’t see them. Or are they just below in the answers?

    on September 18, 2020.

    The three comments are the upvotes the question received. Upvotes/downvotes count as comments, at least on mobile for both questions/answers. I think for computers/tablets, they count as comments only on questions…I know, weird.

    Oh, and it gets even more confusing when a vote is placed and added to the comment total but doesn’t actually get registered as a vote!

    on September 18, 2020.
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    13 Answer(s)

      One thing you could try is to have your husband keep stimulating you when you get to the oversensitive painful state– just keep going for a minute or two.  You could have him tie you up if that’s the only way to get it to work.  You can tell him keep stroking, licking, etc. (gently) no matter how hard you beg for however long, a minute or two.  It may be that if he keeps that up, you’ll crest over into orgasm and then your body will learn to reinterpret the overstimulation sensation.  It’s kind of a ‘rough’ way to deal with it.

      I read somewhere about a man doing OS on a woman when she got hypersensitive like that over orgasm, just keeping on when she got to that stage and it took her into a stronger wave of orgasms.  So, back when we were young newly weds and exploring, my wife got hypersensitive after an orgasm and tried to push me away, but I just kept on working to see what happened.  I don’t remember her having waves of orgasm, but after a few seconds it took her to state where she felt very good.  She said in her language it felt like she was ‘flying’ when I asked her about it later.

      But this is something you’d want to tell your husband to do, to give him permission to do and request it.

      A vibrator might work.  There are many different types.  You could put a cloth between you and the vibrator if you are too sensitive.  Your husband can hold it and play with you that way.

      For a G-spot orgasm, while he’s playing with your clitoris with a finger, mouth or vibrator, he can put his finger in and put some pressure on the back side of the clitoris or a little firther back.  My wife likes pressure on kind of a hard part right below the clitoris, probably the very tip of the G-spot.  If she gets really, really engorged behind that, sometimes she’ll appreciate pressure back there, but not usually.  I can press the spot she wants and very gradually and gently stimulate a milimeter or so deeper in sometimes and start to make that area feel good for her.  If she gets extremely aroused during an intense session, that area gets engorged and if I gentle work in it enough I can press a bit on the softer G-spot area in there.  Building up to an orgasm, I’ll mainly apply steady pressure, which is what she wants, but I’ll move just a bit to see if I can push the good feelings back in there a little further to see if I can get her feeling good if I work more of the puffy G-spot back there.  Usually, she just wants the pressure behind the clitoris.  Occasionally, she’ll go for stimulation a little deeper back if I work her up to it and she just happens to be having an intense session that time.  Leading up to an orgasm, she want steady pressure, not rubbing deeper all over the G-spot, but when she’s actually having an orgasm, I’ll touch that puffy G-spot area just a bit a little further in.  If she has enough orgasms and I keep it up enough to warm the whole area up, she’ll go for the more intense G-spot stimulation.  Usually, though, she wears out before then.  She’ll have so many orgasms that she feels like she can’t keep going on, or her feet start burning, she says, and she’ll ask me to rub her feet during an orgasm.  When we were newly weds with no kids and lots of time, doing this stuff in the afternoon instead of cutting into sleep time, I’d just tell her she deserved more and talk her into accepting more pleasure when she said she had had enough.  That might happen three or four times during a session, stretching it out for half an hour or forty five minutes.  Then I’d enter her and we’d have intercourse.   Now that she’s older and we are both more time constrained I might get her to push through to another round of pleasure once, if that.  She’s

      California King Answered on September 18, 2020.

      Thanks for sharing your experi
      ence! I have tried to push past the discomfort, but not sure I’m ready for the tie down approach yet! The info on the G Spot is appreciated!

      on September 19, 2020.

      Back in our 30’s, I asked my wife to stroke me during that hypersensitive time past orgasm and got interested in that.  It is one of those things that felt kind of terrible, but good at the same time.  At first I was really sensitive and just had to block her.  After a while, it was uncomfortable, but still erotic, and I could let her stroke away until she just quit.  Then the oversensitivity after orgasm left.  This happened over a few years, and it could have just been loss of sensitivity with aging, looking back on it, but it at the time, I figured I got used to it and my brain just no longer recognized it as hypersensitivity.  The head of my penis used to be very sensitive if it were stroked by itself, like it was being tickled. That went away, too.  Maybe it was aging or some other factor.  Or maybe it was because my wife would ply with that area and my mind stopped experiencing it as hypersensitive.

      If the brain reinterprets the feeling and that is what happens if you allow yourself to experience it enough, it might just not feel as hypersensitive after a while, and maybe that will help you experience the other feelings.  It may or may not help.  If you don’t consider the situation to be erotic, though, it may not be something you want to associate with sex with your husband, so you may not want to do it.  If it’s fun, though, it might help.

      on September 21, 2020.
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        @YW2019:

        Glad to hear that your DH is on board and was the one suggesting the vibe. He’s way ahead of where I was early in our marriage.

        Regarding the “already O’ing”, if you’re not feeling sleepy (not the same as exhaustion) or peaceful, then I’m having my doubts. Feeling the oxytocin/bonded feeling after non-O sex can be normal–once, a year or two into our marriage, my DW went into work and her friend (co-worker) took one look at her and said “you had sex this morning, didn’t you?” She was that relaxed/bonded/happy. Probably need to multiply that effect by 10x if she’d been O’ing though!

        Regarding HBC, I’m glad to hear you know what NFP is, and hopefully the science behind it. It worked phenomenally well for us, and it’s not like we had fertility problems or anything (5 conceptions in 8 months of trying, and you can probably legitimately subtract one from the 8 because the month after a miscarriage is an oddball for conception). No unplanned pregnancies at all for us. That said, we were probably an ideal couple for NFP–very regular cycle combined with a ton of data (she started monitoring herself before we were even engaged). We had enough data that I could, and did, run statistics on it to keep us safe. That said, we did start throwing condoms into the mix so we could have sex during her fertile times…oddly enough as a way for her to get more pleasure around the same point in marriage as you are now. Just remember that condoms+NFP essentially ADD the failure rate of the two together if one does a risk assessment. I can’t even imagine what “withdrawal” would do to the risk…Zelda would never allow it anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one legitimate source claim that withdrawal was safe.

        I’ve heard of plenty of NFP slip ups. Same goes for condoms and HBC, even when done correctly. Only you know your risk profile and what works best for you (only abstinence would be risk free, and married couples should NOT be doing that). Do know that I might not suggest NFP for someone newly coming off HBC, as your cycle may not be regular yet (which would be evidenced by your 7-week cycle unless you experienced that prior to starting HBC). In terms of specific recommendations, if you’re monitoring temperature, anything 4+ days after your basal-body temperature increase should be good to go (you’re not going to ovulate AGAIN, and 4 days is more than enough). However, that’s in your Luteal Phase and a tough time for some women to O. Prior to ovulation is a lot tougher to give safe recommendations. For maximum safety, I’d do something like no condom-free sex later than 7 days before your lower confidence level for your ovulation day. That lower confidence level would be something like your average number of days to ovulate minus 2-3 standard deviations of your ovulation day…all depending on your risk tolerance and understanding of what’s going on. Note that this is also a really conservative estimate…but there’s no way I’d give you any other advice but highly conservative because I don’t want to be a contributing factor for an unplanned pregnancy! 😀 For women with really variable cycles, that could mean NO sex prior to ovulation. Sad but true.

        Good luck on continuing to explore and establish your MB. Cherish these years! 🙂

        -Scott

        Under the stars Answered on September 21, 2020.
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          I am new here, but joined because your post describes what I experienced for far too long. I had issues with being unable to have an O for a few years following the birth of my first child. Before he was born, I would climax with my husband during penetration about 3/4s of the time. After vaginal delivery, I couldn’t reach an O for anything. I thought I was broken or something had been damaged during delivery (he was a big baby). My DH was amazingly patient but I grew more and more frustrated. After one of our girls was born, I took antidepressants for postpartum depression and that was even worse. I would be on the edge to the point of pain, and it would just disappear. Too many tears were shed. Now we have been married 27 years and I am multi-orgasmic and our bed is better than ever.

          There is nothing wrong with you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Just because this comes easily for some, doesn’t mean it comes easily for everyone. Because you are willing to work for this, you will appreciate it greatly when it happens.

          So, what did we do?

          1. Get a hand held shower or vibrator with a clitoral stimulator and learn how to pleasure yourself. You can do this with your husband so he can watch and learn how to please you.

          2. As others listed, OS is a big way to get there. The tongue isn’t too hard and provides its own lubrication.

          3 and most important, BREATHE. Learn how to use your breathing to contract and tense your diaphragm muscle. This was critical to my being able to have control over my orgasm. Contract and relax. Hold your breath. Breathe shallowly, breathe deeply. I have to close my eyes and shut out all extra stimuli to focus on breathing and experiencing sensations.

          4. Let go. Let go off everything else. Clear your head. Close your eyes. If you feel like you might let your bladder go, it’s okay. The sensation is similar, especially if you are one who can ejaculate. We always lay out towels to protect the bed.

          5. Your husband should learn about G spot stimulation. Stimulation of the clitoris and G spot simultaneously is a recipe for success.

           

           

           

           

          Queen bed Answered on September 28, 2020.

          I’ll throw out another thing since this thread has reawakened–mental state.

          My wife can absolutely get into her own head with thoughts about “taking too long” and “what’s wrong with me”. Kick that garbage to the curb and replace them with sexy thoughts. For my wife, sexy/dirty talk from me can really keep her mind in the game and help her arousal. I’ve even found a phrase that she find extremely hot that pushes her over the edge when she’s close.

          If you take that route, the key is to communicate openly with your husband about it so that he knows what phrases are out of bounds and which ones you find hot. For instance, some women find their husbands calling them a “good girl” to be offensive, while others find it super hot! He can’t read your mind, so let him know (outside of sexy times) what you like/don’t like and let him test it out! 🙂

          -Scott

          on September 28, 2020.

          Thanks for sharing your experience @Marbles! I will work on my mind and breathing… I feel like this would all be so much easier if I knew what it felt like!

          on October 3, 2020.

          @Youngwife2019 Sheila at the To Love Honor and Vacuum blog now has a how to orgasm course. I don’t have any ties to it, but if it helps you or someone else, then it’s a resource.

          on November 1, 2020.
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