Phone/video sex again
I asked a question about phone/video sex awhile back and I appreciate your responses. I would like some additional from feedback from those that have had this as part of their marriage bed. Last month I was out of town for a week for business and I initiated phone sex with DH. He was up for trying.
It of course went nothing like expected. I was actually more into it then I was expecting and orgasmed quite quickly. DH was unable to get there. We talked a little about it, and I think a piece of it is the hurt and past issues with secret masturbation in our marriage. DH was doing this the first 10 years of our marriage, even though we had agreed their would be no masturbation. It caused some major hurt and fights. I think he is nervous I will be fine in the moment and freak out afterwards. I was very reassuring after this first attempt, and worked to combat this.
I am going out of town next week again and we have agreed to try this again. Suggestions on how to make this a great experience for DH? I would love some pointers for those with experience in this. Husbands, what have your wives done to make phone sex a great experience? We are using Facetime, so lots of visual is already going on.
I have no recommendations, but a thought came to me as I was reading and thinking about this, and I thought it might be worth a mention, just in case in might be a possibility and you and he would try to work through this potential mental block before your trip….
A while back, when I went all out for a strip tease (it was an event, and the actual “dance” was through 2 songs)…my husband shared how he had conflicting thoughts and emotions during it. There was a part in him that was saying, “Don’t look. You aren’t supposed to watch things like this.” and it felt wrong and sinful to him. Of course the counteraction was to remember the truth and that “this is my wife, and I am blessed to look and enjoy!”
I am wondering if some of your husband’s issue could be a similar conflict…. “I am not supposed to watch and enjoy this kind of thing (a naked woman on my screen sexually pleasing herself) and definitely not physically pleasure myself with it.” Could simply reminding him to think on the truth when he is hitting that roadblock, “this is my wife and God blesses me/us to enjoy this.”, help him overcome that mental/physical block and therefore help him enjoy the experience more as a whole?
Thank you for the great question.
We don’t have much to contribute, unfortunately having never done this. However, I was hoping you could clarify one thing to help with improving answers:
Is your husband able to bring himself to orgasm manually if you two are physically together? (i.e. Is he successful with shared/mutual masturbation in person?) I’m guessing he is, but if you never do that in person, then the pressure might really be on him hardcore.
Oh, and you mention visuals–is it nudity or just e.g. your face? (I understand if you’re not comfortable answering.)
Honestly, I’m guessing it’s just a little performance anxiety from him given that it’s something new and will go away with time.
Somewhat related to what @SC said: is there a chance he was taken aback by how much you enjoyed things?
I think the idea of what you two are trying is super awesome and healthy. That said, if Zelda suddenly got super into it and got her O in 2-3 minutes, I might well be shocked flaccid! (She’s normally 25 min or so, record time is ~6 min, and both of those are with internal stimulation by me.) Not that there’s anything wrong with suddenly going so quickly, but I’d certainly feel that my physical presence was a problem that was suddenly removed when she performed in front of a camera…not that I would logically think it, just that I would emotionally feel that. Some of us DH’s have fragile egos. 🙁
Start earlier in the day with sexting….pics…etc. Play with him…toy with him…start his “motor” and mind racing about you, what you’d like to do or see. What you wish he could do to you, how you enjoy his touch, closeness, get explicit if needed & helpful.
I was out of town last year and wife did that. IT BLEW ME AWAY!!!! I was still a couple hours from my hotel when she started her play with me. It got me going and when I finally got to the motel room and let her know, DW invited me to shower with her and FT’d me with her phone in the shower. I saw and heard her do some things I’d never seen her do. It was awesome!!!
Let me add, this has been a learned activity for her over our three years of marriage. She wasn’t comfortable with that kind of talk or play when we got married and she’d experienced a lot of rejection from the times when she did put herself out and initiate in a previous marriage so DW had to overcome some ghosts of the past. She always felt awkward but the more she did it, the more she got comfortable and confidence to do so, which I would submit, a sexually confident woman is a complete turn-on for most guys. DW knows her power and will send me something when I’m away OR just out for the night, she’ll send a sexy pic, with a txt saying something like, “want to see more, hurry home?” Heck, she’ll do that earlier than my meeting or event, knowing that I’ll be thinking about her for the next couple hours AND knowing that I can’t do anything about it.
Remember, “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”. Focus on the experience of connecting sexually while apart, not on the goal of his orgasm, otherwise, it might be a lot of pressure too…or maybe, if he can’t and he gets turned on at a different time, tell him to call you and finish with you on FT or call, even IF it’s in the middle of the night. Maybe it’ll just take getting through the first time (if M’ing secretly in the past is part of the problem) for it to be different in the future.
What about taking some a pic or two BEFORE you go to your meetings so all you’ll have to do is hit send? What about texting him what it would feel like to be cuddling naked next to him? How you miss it. Or telling him about how you long for his touch? Him touching you? It doesn’t need to be hugely explicit, just describe what you enjoy/enjoy doing with him in the moment and get him thinking about all those memories and times together.
Also, describe to him some of your favorite memories, those moments when you were making love…on vacation…honeymoon…etc. Again, it gets his mind thinking about sex with you. Maybe it’d go something like the following:
You: “Hey, do you know what I’m thinking about?”
H: “No, what?”
You: “That time we went on vacation too…(honeymoon…backyard on the trampoline….etc)”
H: “What about it?”
You: “I was just reminiscing about how we (fill in the blank about your favorite activity/escapade)”
We will also sending texts with just emojis that can be used to represent various body parts and activities. (Funny story: DW had asked bonus daughter to txt me and she was like why are all these fruits & veggies in your most used emojis. LOL!!!)
This all raises a question for me. BTW, the thread is great and helpful, not sure if my wife would do it because of the question I’ll ask. Is there a concern for privacy if it’s on the phone? What about sending/storing pictures? I would like to video my wife so if we are apart I have some visual reminders of her.
Neither of us travel much, but we did come up with some unique ways of telling each other what we’re thinking using candy bars. SKOR, Mounds, Almond Joy, Milky Way, Kit Kat. Use your imagination to conclude what they mean. I put them in her lunch. It’s a great way to keep things sweet in the MB.
So back to the question of doing a video and not having it out there.
There are apps to lock things up. There are ways to not back things up through “the cloud”. Of course, some apps are encrypted, including live video for some apps/technology…but the more you store, the greater potential for someone to see, including kids if allowed to grab/use your phone. We delete photos sent. HOWEVER, if a couple regularly engages in this kind of play, is there really a need to keep things when one’s spouse willingly provides “new/fresh memories”?