Please pray and help hold me accountable

Answered

    As I stated in my previous post the loss of full erectile function has taken a toll on me emotionally. Added to the other issues I’m dealing with I am feeling a huge amount of despair. Ironically this led me tonight to indulge in erotica. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. It was wrong and despicable. But I did it anyway.

    I feel so numb inside recently. If I am being honest I also hold a great deal of anger against a number of people, some justified some not. On the non-justified side I feel anger at God for doing things His way yet I’m gonna end up impotent. I’m angry at my wife for being a gatekeeper and myself for not focusing enough on having a fully satisfying sex life in the time everything worked properly.

    On a somewhat more understandable level I am angry and sad that all my plans for trying to build a satisfying sex life with my wife will end up going down the drain just as they were bearing fruit. I am angry at my parents for making our married life extremely difficult and destroying my relationship with them. I am angry at my wife for refusing to get treatment for her worsening OCD. I am angry at God for my wife’s condition and the suffering it causes us both.

    All this anger comes out on occasion and then I feel numb. There are periods of brightness and happiness but this week despair is becoming more and more common. I am in couseling and had made progress on dealing with my issues until this latest one overwhelmed me.

    The thing I fear the most is the numbness surrounding the indulgence of my sinful lusts. I knew it was wrong but I just didn’t care. Like Jonah I was angry at God for taking something away.

    That isn’t who I want to be. I want to hate sin not feel numb about it. Please pray for me and if one of you gents feels led would you serve as an accountability partner for the next little while until I can fully come to terms with my feelings of loss regarding my sexual function? Thank you.

    On the floor Asked on May 26, 2020 in SIN.

    SLS,

    I am here to help. Without knowing your personal details it will be hard to answer your specific problems so, I will hand you some basic and universal facts to help you.

    Ok so erotica is another word for porn. Just say it like it is. There is hardcore and softcore but that’s like saying white and dark magic, so admit the truth to yourself not here. First, let’s look at momentum. Once you get off this habit, you add up days, then weeks and it gets easier. next is the temptation. In men we are visual. Avoid any kind of pictures, movies or even that glance at the cute girl at the gym. The more you look at “eye candy” the harder it is to resist the “more” factor. More is where you relapse and look at one nude pic then another and then you binge on them because you already failed so, why not? Next is an understanding of brain stimulation. We all engage in brain stimulants of all kinds all day long. Even that turkey sandwich for lunch is brain stimulation. Pain avoidance is also a way to stimulate your brain. Sexual thoughts, sexual acts done by you of any kind are all high end brain stimulants. Drugs and alcohol are brain stimulants and act in similar fashion too porn. IF your wife was a better helper  in this area (I don’t know her so I’ll save any criticism) she could be a huge help in assisting you to avoid temptation of any kind in the sexuality area. Again, I don’t know why she is a gatekeeper as mentioned, nor do I know your ages, kids, finance, satisfying career status, etc. You mention OCD, some of my kids have this, but I’m not an expert in that area but sometimes that condition of OCD is brought on by something else, I digress.

    As I mentioned before in other postings, if there is a lack of sex in marriage, one of several things will take place; divorce, successful/failed counseling, hormone imbalance correction, OR you get no solution and live in depression forever or get a hobby to beat your boredom or sinful behavior which is why we are here.

    Begin with finding movies such as sci-fi, fantasy (like Lord of the Rings) to entertain you during those times when you can’t get sex off your mind. Other suggestions include, hobbies, building things, cars, guns, weightlifting (after the lockdown).

    Stay away from the computer unless you are nearby her or kids or anyone anywhere who will see your screen and help you avoid explicit material. Then as time goes by your need to see explicit material will diminish. Do not masterbate with any pics or other items you see with your eyes. I don’t recommend M but if desperate, try  not to “finish.”

    Also stay healthy. Eat healthy. Keep reading your bible but realize that when the Lord describes temptation as a real thing. Don’t take temptation lightly. You will get your rear end handed to you. I also recommend this secular site: http://www.rebootnation.org. It will educate you.

    Prayer is good and many of Gods people have been mowed over as they fooled themselves into believing that only Gods love and the love of Jesus will keep them from porn. I suggest we look at this as a battle. (the book “Everyman’s battle?”) In this battle you will sweat, exert yourself and at times lose smaller battles. But it is a battle of a much larger war that is not over until your death. So fight it by implementing any strategy you can. If you feel weak and need to utilize a much better weapon, then do so. The enemy is cunning and will throw any female, picture or situation at you in an effort to get you to give in and sin more.

    example: I know of a Christian man on a business trip, who asked a hotel to remove its TV from his hotel room. They did and he did not have to worry about any temptation the whole trip.

    Let me know how it goes or if you have any questions.

     

    on May 26, 2020.

    Thank you for your offer. I will sending you a weekly Pm if that is all right with you.

    on May 31, 2020.
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    8 Answer(s)
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      Oh SLS, my heart has compassion for you. Though the circumstances are different, those emotions you describe I have BTDT. I know that when we battle that numbness, there are times all we want to do is feel, we want to know that our body will respond to something, that there’s anything that can stir us out of that numbness and make us feel some sort of life….we are in that place of weakness where standing strong becomes almost impossible without others there to hold us up.

      I have been praying for you, and though you ask for a gent for accountability, you don’t have to be alone, I am willing to hold you up and intercede for you. I can respect another’s wishes and convictions, but I also remember when others chose “law” over love for me, and by the grace of God, I won’t ever do that to a fellow brother or sister.

      Remember a few things…. first, you have an enemy, and it’s not your wife, it’s not your family, it’s not God. Turn your anger towards the real enemy and do some war. Start praying the cross of Jesus over your wife and your marriage.

      You have made some agreements with the enemy’s lies and they need to be broken. I am just finishing up reading “Love & War” by John and Stasi Eldredge, I would recommend you to read it. It does a great job of putting marriage into spiritual (warfare) perspective.

      Second, I know you are feeling hopeless at the moment. With Christ Jesus, it is ALWAYS too soon to give up hope. There was a time the only hope I had was that our God was a resurrection God. My only hope was that He could breathe life into death….the death of my hopes and the death of my relationships. And He IS faithful!

      Third, granted, I don’t know all the specifics of your health issues, but from the little you have shared, I am not convinced this is the beginning of impotence for you. This could be hormonal and highly treatable. Be willing to look into it further, rather than surrendering to a potentially false belief and letting something die, that needs not to die.

      Finally, remember that sexual intimacy is far more than just a functioning penis. There’s no reason you and your wife must give up intimacy, including physical intimacy.

      God has a purpose for you and He has a plan. He is already working this for your good. For us to be fully used by Him, we have to be broken, so you are not alone in this experience. Just know that on the otherside, when you see the beauty of what came out of this trial and tribulation, when you have come to know the Lord in a new way, you won’t want to trade this.

      Under the stars Answered on May 26, 2020.

      I should mention that impotence along with porn use…we can usually, again, usually point to porn use as a major contributing factor in impotence.

      on May 27, 2020.
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        SLS, you are to be commended for your honesty, transparency, and contriteness. Sometimes folks on TMB amaze me with their compassion, understanding, and wise words.

        Thanks C. Joseph for jumping in to be an accountability partner. As Workerbee, I’ll pray, too. Slipthegrasp encouraged you to trust the Lord. LDB has BTDT and he expressed his caring empathy and encouragement. SD595 provides wisdom to step back and take a deep, spiritual breath. And SC’s eloquent, heart-felt, experienced-based advice is priceless and Biblical.

        ’Lord, wrap your arms around SLS and his DW. May they turn their eyes upon Jesus, look to Him, and, we pray, that the stress and disappointments will melt away in Your glory and grace. In Jesus’s powerful name, Amen’

        Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on May 27, 2020.
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          Thank you all for your responses, prayers, and encouragement. Today was a far better day for me and I am sure that your prayers were a big part of it.

          On the floor Answered on May 26, 2020.
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            As I said above, this trust in the lord is all good but if you are into porn and telling him about “laying it down at the Lords feet,” you are going to lose. Now in my experience, there has always been that one story about “the guy who trusted God and He just took all the temptation away and lived happily ever after.” Except, that was one person. The majority of men out there longing for great sex, fall into a pornographic world and end up leaving the church because the church won’t address the overlaying sexual problem of sexual fulfillment in marriage. Men need answers and we need to address them!

            If you guys are using the rhetorical, “lay it down,” or “you need to be broken,” you are going to multiply the wounded!

            Say it like it is! what do these statements mean in real life, real world sort of language! I spent 8 years unemployed!! Spent time in the Bible, in prayer, my wifes friends, relatives, church folk all praying for me. I never got the job I needed and even now the job I had was part time! (we found another solution though) What I needed from church people at the time was not prayer for a job…but really, we ALL should pray to start, always! What I needed was all these people to talk to friends and colleagues about getting me to an interview to a real job! Right??

            So, what our brother needs here is real, 24 hour answers so he can get by with one day without sin and explicit web sites. We need to battle this. The enemy has already calculated his next move. Are we all ready for it? The enemy kicked my rear many times but I defeated him. Many before me have done the same, but assuredly none were from my church and it is a huge church.

            My advice is simple and gives step by step solutions for daily habits. Not every strategy is perfect but we can adjust. Lets do it.

            Hammock Answered on May 27, 2020.

            Feel good words and religious platitudes really get little done in the end. They can indeed often lead into doing nothing. I have come to understand and appreciate the idea of “pray like it’s all up to God, work like it’s all up to you.” I know some take offense at that statement, but I believe it is because they misunderstand it. Jonah did a lot of praying, but nothing happened until he did something, the very thing that God wanted him to do.

            Therein lies the problem with forums and podcasts and such as this – some real good words can  be said, good scripture shared, but until someone acts upon these things, nothing gets done, nothing changes. But for the most part, talk is all that can be done here. Most come here with a desire for anonymity, and that prevents any real interaction much beyond platitudes, no matter how well meaning or accurate those might be. That does not completely remove the value of such places as this. It is often the anonymity that allows one to open themselves up in ways they never would otherwise from fear of judgement. And maybe, just maybe, someone gets some inspiration, or motivation to get off the couch and away from the screen and actually do something about their life. I know many like to think this is a “community”, and in some way maybe it is. But not really. A real community is people who know each other, interact each other and share vulnerability. This is more of a place to raise a flag and see who salutes it. This whole new vote up or down just proves that point and plays into everyone’s ego – “See, see…..MY answer got the most votes! That just proves I am the smartest one here!”  It’s why FB and Twitter and all the other “social media” is popular. It builds false self-esteem. But what it is really doing is breaking down the real community that humans need. The kind of community that does what you speak of  – actually help a guy when he’s down because they really know him and value him, as they have been known and valued.

            So – SLS- I hope you find some friends to help you at home brother. Seek them. You may have to be the first to reach out and help someone else first. But you never know, that may be exactly what God is waiting for you to do. I don’t know you personally, and that is up to you to change if you so desire. But I would be willing to do so and offer any assistance I could from my own experience and limited knowledge.

             

            on May 27, 2020.
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              Brother, first take a deep breath.  Then pray.  Then lay at His feet.  Let Him in to heal you, all of you.  Do not make any assumptions and do not amplify hardship with the past.  The past is over and gone.  Deal with today for each day has enough trouble of its own.  Not tomorrow, just today if that is what you can deal with.  Do not stop trusting that He loves you and is working things for good no matter what.  Again, deep breath.  Pray.  Lay at His feet.

              Fell out of ... Answered on May 26, 2020.
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                I feel you brother. BTDT more than once. All of those are real feelings and natural reactions to what sure seems like a raw deal. I’m sorry you are dealing with all of this. Glad you thought to come here to lay it out – that will help you to write it down, look back at it and examine yourself through it.

                Don’t beat yourself up over your recent actions. He is strong in our weakness. You’ve done nothing that has lessened you in His eyes, or ours for that matter (not that we matter anyway.) You can and will recover from this and future stumbles.

                Take SC’s advice and look into the physical aspect for yourself. We all see things “go south” somewhat as we age. It doesn’t mean the end, just a new beginning. Don’t let the anger or self-pity keep you down.

                On the floor Answered on May 26, 2020.
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                  I’m at work and unable to read replies at this time, but I promise you that I will be praying fervently for you throughout the day.

                  Queen bed Answered on May 26, 2020.
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                    I am praying for you.  I have been there in some of your situations but then have been influenced by many in my life.  One of them was the prophet Habakuk.

                    Habakkuk 1:2 (NASB95)
                    2 “How long, O Lord, will I call for help, And You will not hear? I cry out to You, “Violence!” Yet You do not save.”

                    It sounds like the battles that you are facing.  Not unique in the Christ-centered life at all but extremely painful.  A lot of change had to occur in the prophet’s life before he got to where God wanted him.  Hold fast brother, because help is there with you.  God is faithful and true.  I know it cannot be seen in the depth of despair without the eyes of His Word.  Remember, trust does not come when the circumstances get better.  And trust should be your objective and not merely the improved circumstances.

                    I realize that sounds harsh but I say it with a history of painful experience and the willingness to be your accountability and support if you want it.

                    Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on May 26, 2020.

                    How are things going for you?

                    I continue to pray for you.

                    I cannot offer much in words of encouragement or offer suggestions, as your battle is not unlike my own. I do know God is faithful, good and merciful. But that’s not a liscence to sin, although at times I choose to see it that way.
                    See,I can’t really offer words of encouragement or offer suggestions, lol.
                    But I recognized where you are, and how you feel.
                    And dear brother, I surely do not want to comfort you in sin.
                    But your grief and anguish is palpable and real, and I know it breaks our Father’s heart as it breaks mine. God is not your spouse, neither am I. But we bear witness and maybe we can help you bear the burden.
                    The spouse that is not there, that doesn’t show up likely doesn’t not show up out of spite.
                    But that pain isn’t diminished because we aren’t attributing folly to our spouse for not pulling their own weight in the marriage.
                    So I will validate your pain and weep with you.
                    I will acknowledge your sin, but not condemn you.
                    And I expect you to continue to seek an accountability partner and hold yourself accountable. Because I can tell exactly by what you have written that you want to slay this dragon…..that makes your battle almost won.

                    Your sin doesn’t define you.
                    Neither does your pain.
                    It just feels like it.
                    Doesn’t it?
                    You are only responsible for one of the above.
                    But it does not define you….the price was paid.
                    You deserve grace and mercy and blessings, sometimes even MORE when your sin consciousness is screaming out at you.
                    Because it’s truly hard to feel God’s presence when we’re so overwhelmed with grief and condemnation.
                    Sometimes we need to relax and unclench our fists and breath. Let God have room to work.

                    on May 29, 2020.
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