Please pray and help hold me accountable
As I stated in my previous post the loss of full erectile function has taken a toll on me emotionally. Added to the other issues I’m dealing with I am feeling a huge amount of despair. Ironically this led me tonight to indulge in erotica. I knew I shouldn’t be doing it. It was wrong and despicable. But I did it anyway.
I feel so numb inside recently. If I am being honest I also hold a great deal of anger against a number of people, some justified some not. On the non-justified side I feel anger at God for doing things His way yet I’m gonna end up impotent. I’m angry at my wife for being a gatekeeper and myself for not focusing enough on having a fully satisfying sex life in the time everything worked properly.
On a somewhat more understandable level I am angry and sad that all my plans for trying to build a satisfying sex life with my wife will end up going down the drain just as they were bearing fruit. I am angry at my parents for making our married life extremely difficult and destroying my relationship with them. I am angry at my wife for refusing to get treatment for her worsening OCD. I am angry at God for my wife’s condition and the suffering it causes us both.
All this anger comes out on occasion and then I feel numb. There are periods of brightness and happiness but this week despair is becoming more and more common. I am in couseling and had made progress on dealing with my issues until this latest one overwhelmed me.
The thing I fear the most is the numbness surrounding the indulgence of my sinful lusts. I knew it was wrong but I just didn’t care. Like Jonah I was angry at God for taking something away.
That isn’t who I want to be. I want to hate sin not feel numb about it. Please pray for me and if one of you gents feels led would you serve as an accountability partner for the next little while until I can fully come to terms with my feelings of loss regarding my sexual function? Thank you.
Oh SLS, my heart has compassion for you. Though the circumstances are different, those emotions you describe I have BTDT. I know that when we battle that numbness, there are times all we want to do is feel, we want to know that our body will respond to something, that there’s anything that can stir us out of that numbness and make us feel some sort of life….we are in that place of weakness where standing strong becomes almost impossible without others there to hold us up.
I have been praying for you, and though you ask for a gent for accountability, you don’t have to be alone, I am willing to hold you up and intercede for you. I can respect another’s wishes and convictions, but I also remember when others chose “law” over love for me, and by the grace of God, I won’t ever do that to a fellow brother or sister.
Remember a few things…. first, you have an enemy, and it’s not your wife, it’s not your family, it’s not God. Turn your anger towards the real enemy and do some war. Start praying the cross of Jesus over your wife and your marriage.
You have made some agreements with the enemy’s lies and they need to be broken. I am just finishing up reading “Love & War” by John and Stasi Eldredge, I would recommend you to read it. It does a great job of putting marriage into spiritual (warfare) perspective.
Second, I know you are feeling hopeless at the moment. With Christ Jesus, it is ALWAYS too soon to give up hope. There was a time the only hope I had was that our God was a resurrection God. My only hope was that He could breathe life into death….the death of my hopes and the death of my relationships. And He IS faithful!
Third, granted, I don’t know all the specifics of your health issues, but from the little you have shared, I am not convinced this is the beginning of impotence for you. This could be hormonal and highly treatable. Be willing to look into it further, rather than surrendering to a potentially false belief and letting something die, that needs not to die.
Finally, remember that sexual intimacy is far more than just a functioning penis. There’s no reason you and your wife must give up intimacy, including physical intimacy.
God has a purpose for you and He has a plan. He is already working this for your good. For us to be fully used by Him, we have to be broken, so you are not alone in this experience. Just know that on the otherside, when you see the beauty of what came out of this trial and tribulation, when you have come to know the Lord in a new way, you won’t want to trade this.
SLS, you are to be commended for your honesty, transparency, and contriteness. Sometimes folks on TMB amaze me with their compassion, understanding, and wise words.
Thanks C. Joseph for jumping in to be an accountability partner. As Workerbee, I’ll pray, too. Slipthegrasp encouraged you to trust the Lord. LDB has BTDT and he expressed his caring empathy and encouragement. SD595 provides wisdom to step back and take a deep, spiritual breath. And SC’s eloquent, heart-felt, experienced-based advice is priceless and Biblical.
’Lord, wrap your arms around SLS and his DW. May they turn their eyes upon Jesus, look to Him, and, we pray, that the stress and disappointments will melt away in Your glory and grace. In Jesus’s powerful name, Amen’
As I said above, this trust in the lord is all good but if you are into porn and telling him about “laying it down at the Lords feet,” you are going to lose. Now in my experience, there has always been that one story about “the guy who trusted God and He just took all the temptation away and lived happily ever after.” Except, that was one person. The majority of men out there longing for great sex, fall into a pornographic world and end up leaving the church because the church won’t address the overlaying sexual problem of sexual fulfillment in marriage. Men need answers and we need to address them!
If you guys are using the rhetorical, “lay it down,” or “you need to be broken,” you are going to multiply the wounded!
Say it like it is! what do these statements mean in real life, real world sort of language! I spent 8 years unemployed!! Spent time in the Bible, in prayer, my wifes friends, relatives, church folk all praying for me. I never got the job I needed and even now the job I had was part time! (we found another solution though) What I needed from church people at the time was not prayer for a job…but really, we ALL should pray to start, always! What I needed was all these people to talk to friends and colleagues about getting me to an interview to a real job! Right??
So, what our brother needs here is real, 24 hour answers so he can get by with one day without sin and explicit web sites. We need to battle this. The enemy has already calculated his next move. Are we all ready for it? The enemy kicked my rear many times but I defeated him. Many before me have done the same, but assuredly none were from my church and it is a huge church.
My advice is simple and gives step by step solutions for daily habits. Not every strategy is perfect but we can adjust. Lets do it.
Brother, first take a deep breath. Then pray. Then lay at His feet. Let Him in to heal you, all of you. Do not make any assumptions and do not amplify hardship with the past. The past is over and gone. Deal with today for each day has enough trouble of its own. Not tomorrow, just today if that is what you can deal with. Do not stop trusting that He loves you and is working things for good no matter what. Again, deep breath. Pray. Lay at His feet.
I feel you brother. BTDT more than once. All of those are real feelings and natural reactions to what sure seems like a raw deal. I’m sorry you are dealing with all of this. Glad you thought to come here to lay it out – that will help you to write it down, look back at it and examine yourself through it.
Don’t beat yourself up over your recent actions. He is strong in our weakness. You’ve done nothing that has lessened you in His eyes, or ours for that matter (not that we matter anyway.) You can and will recover from this and future stumbles.
Take SC’s advice and look into the physical aspect for yourself. We all see things “go south” somewhat as we age. It doesn’t mean the end, just a new beginning. Don’t let the anger or self-pity keep you down.
I am praying for you. I have been there in some of your situations but then have been influenced by many in my life. One of them was the prophet Habakuk.
Habakkuk 1:2 (NASB95)
2 “How long, O Lord, will I call for help, And You will not hear? I cry out to You, “Violence!” Yet You do not save.”
It sounds like the battles that you are facing. Not unique in the Christ-centered life at all but extremely painful. A lot of change had to occur in the prophet’s life before he got to where God wanted him. Hold fast brother, because help is there with you. God is faithful and true. I know it cannot be seen in the depth of despair without the eyes of His Word. Remember, trust does not come when the circumstances get better. And trust should be your objective and not merely the improved circumstances.
I realize that sounds harsh but I say it with a history of painful experience and the willingness to be your accountability and support if you want it.