Prayers for Marriage and mental health

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    DW and I’s marriage is on the rocks at the moment. Her job and crushing commute is taking up the vast majority of her time and causing her chronic insomnia (which also worsens her OCD). Her lack of sleep has almost led to crashes during her commute.  I have begged her over and over again to seek help but she won’t budge.

    I have asked her to request a schedule modification so she could work from home one day a week. She refuses. I ask that she see a doctor about her OCD, insomnia, and her aches and pains. She refuses.

    In desperation I have argued that she needs to quit her current job and find another job closer to home (I make around 2/3rds of our income and we can survive for 6 months or more at current consumption. Also any job that pays half of what she currently earns will suit our needs). She refuses.

    I am just at a loss and feel hopeless. She constantly requires my aid to clean “contaminated items” and that load is becoming more than I can bear. Her inability to stay awake on the road due to insomnia worries me to death.

    It doesn’t help that I have my own issues with anxiety and acid reflux.

    Just pray that she will at least make some changes to alleviate the current situation. Please pray that a job to her liking opens up in our area.

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      I am praying. As an anxious depressive with OCD, I know how tough it is to admit there is a problem. I don’t know her, but it might be the case that she thinks that what she’s feeling is normal. She also might not want to admit that she has a weakness. This is normal for the mentally ill. It certainly was for me. I’d been suffering since childhood, so I seriously thought it was normal to be the way I was.

      For you – you don’t need to participate in any unnecessary cleaning. That just feeds her issues and causes more stress for you. My OCD is of a different nature, but my husband ‘s refusal to participate in it is partly why I realized I had a problem. And self care for you is just as important.

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 1, 2019.

      Thank you so much for your response. I think you hit the nail on the head on not wanting to admit she has a weakness (at least to the outside world).  She has struggled with self worth for a while and she was often bullied for being the smartest kid in class.  She also struggles a lot with feelings of inadequacy.

      I have read a decent amount about OCD (and even have a mild version myself) and as you stated not participating is recommended. I have tried that but the problem is 1.  if I don’t participate it will take her even longer to get into bed (less sleep time for both of us) and 2. she doesn’t really give me a choice if I am what is “contaminated”.

      Since y’all’s situation sounds similar to ours may I ask how your husband pursues self care?

      I don’t want to become an angry and bitter person or be mean to my wife for something she can’t control. She knows that its hurting me and she hates being this way.

      on November 1, 2019.

      @SLS –

      Self Care – Dh makes time for his favorite hobby at least a couple times a week. I used to think he was purposefully ignoring me, and it upset me. But I realized through discussions with him as well as therapy that he needs his own space at times. I no longer take it personally.

      I also no longer take it personally when he refuses to let me go back to check door locks, oven, etc. when we leave the house. But I am also now medicated for my OCD, which has taken away 90% of my problem. The stress it was causing me was causing lack of sleep and health problems. I didn’t want the meds, but I have no side effects and I’m a lot healthier because of them

      Your wife sounds quite a bit like me… bullied for being so smart as a child, low self-worth, etc. It leads to a sense of perfectionism, among other things. Perfectionism lends itself to anxiety and OCD so easily. It’s a difficult road to walk. I will keep praying for both of you. If you have a question, don’t hesitate to ask. I’m very open about my struggles because I want others to see there is a better way to live.

      on November 2, 2019.
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        Praying now, for all those things. I pray also that she will realize that driving sleepy risks not only herself but innocent people, and one more thing: hope for SLS.

        Under the stars Answered on October 31, 2019.
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          I said a prayer for you and your wife.

          Fell out of ... Answered on November 1, 2019.
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            I am praying.  As one who dives a long distance to work I can relate.

            Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 1, 2019.
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              Praying for you guys.  Our God is Jehovah Rapha, the Great Physician, there is healing available for your wife and for you.  Seek Him!

              Under the stars Answered on November 1, 2019.
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                So sorry to hear of your difficult situation. May God intervene in your lives and your marriage!

                Under the stars Answered on November 1, 2019.
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                  Praying for you SLS! May God grant your wife clarity to seek help and peace to you in your time of struggle.

                  Thank you for bringing up the topic of mental health. I was getting ready to post a similar question.  I had typed it here, but instead of highjacking your thread I’ll make my own.

                  California King Answered on November 3, 2019.
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                    praying for you, SLS. We have members of our family who suffer from OCD, so I understand to some degree the burden you two are bearing. Praying that she will receive the revelation she needs to make choices that will be life-giving for your marriage and lives.

                    California King Answered on November 3, 2019.
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                      Just a quick update. We had a fight about, well, everything at the end of last week and just spent ourselves emotionally. If it wasn’t rock bottom we hit a ledge that was pretty close. Afterwards we finally got a good nights sleep for once and just stayed in bed all morning talking and cuddling. My wife is starting to fully realize the effect her commute and the OCD is having on her and on us. She has an interview next week with a company in town so please pray for that. She is also trying to get a doctor’s appointment. God also did a work in me to combat my anger and bitterness.

                      Then we had sex for the first time in a while* and it was really good. Like top 10 good. I can’t lie, sexual intimacy is powerful. For the last few weeks we have been at each other’s throats but this weekend it was like our whole perspective changed. We are being much nicer and more understanding with each other. Just pray that we keep that perspective as we move forward into the stressful holiday season.

                      *Note this period of abstinence was mostly on me. Some of it was health issues but some of it was me withholding because I was angry.

                      Fell out of ... Answered on November 26, 2019.
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                        It sounds like some good steps forward!  Conflict handled correctly can create intimacy, that sounds like what happened.  Thanks for updating us.

                        Under the stars Answered on November 26, 2019.
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