QOTD – 04/07/20 – What kind of false assumption….
have you made about your spouse that was totally wrong and had a negative impact on your relationship?
Maybe you got married ‘knowing’ that this was just how the opposite sex was.
Or maybe, your spouse always did something to which you assigned a negative motive, when that was farthest from their mind. Or any other falsely assumed situation.
Also, tell us how you figured things out.
For the first 15 years I was constantly waiting for her to be in the mood. I assumed she rarely was and I was consistently disappointed in her lack of sexuality. Then we learned about responsive desire through resources like The Marriage Bed. I still struggle with my feelings at times because of her responsive drive, but greater understanding allows me to deal with it in a more productive fashion.
I’m still in the process of figuring this out. My assumption is that my husband is more confident than he actually is. When we met, he was a leader in our social group. He was someone who was decisive and respected by all. It’s one of the things that attracted me to him.
When we married, we moved back to his home town, and everything changed. He’s still very much that respected leader in his workplace, but he is different at home. His parents are too involved in his personal life, and his father’s alcoholism caused him to revert back to his old defense mechanisms. When we are around them (which is a lot), he is not the same person I married. Or, rather, he is the same person, but I never saw that side until after marriage. It took me a long time to understand why. In fact, it’s only been within the last couple of years that I started to realize what was wrong. I admit I was too self-absorbed with my own issues with his family to realize that he has the same issues. And his are worse.
I’ve been spending a lot of time researching Adult Children of Alcoholics, because it’s tough to know how to help a man who is in too much pain to confront his own demons. I will say, social distancing has helped out quite a bit. His parents still try to lay guilt on him for not coming over to their weekly family dinners that are more stressful than anything else. But the government mandate in our state has given him an out.
Even knowing all of this, I would still have married him. Although I would not have agreed to move back to his home town. But when you’re 23, there are many things about the world which you do not yet understand.
I embarrassed to say (mind you, it was decades ago!) I believed that all people had similar sex drives to mine. So, when I married DW, I figured she would want it as much and as often as I did. It sure wasn’t that way 🙁 It took some years to learn that and to adjust to that reality. It took her some time to learn that frequent sex was good for both of us and our marriage!
#1- Similar to OWM, I filtered others by my own experience. With my husband, his sexual “needs” weren’t any different than mine. Sure he may want it more, but he didn’t need it more. With pornography, he should easily be able to just decide not to watch it again and get rid of it.
This all changed in the second decade of our marriage when the Lord opened my eyes and I saw men, sex and other things in abdifferent light, and I started reading about men, women, and sex.
#2- that he could change. I have learned to just let him be him, in many ways at many times. But, there’s still those times I expect changed behavior, and I get disappointed or hurt.
I though sex would just come naturally. It actually takes learning, effort, and practice!
I figured there wouldn’t be any changes along the way. But hormones can change things monthly or over the years. Other factors like stress, overwork, family issues, etc. all impact the frequency and enjoyment level of sex.
I didn’t imagine it would be possible to talk about sex freely. And now look at us on TMB!! LOL!
Current false assumption: That so many of Zelda’s words and body language are saying “not interested” or “no sex” when that’s not at all what she’s communicating. An example: in the early evening we were talking about sex and she randomly commented “I’m really tired”, which I took as a “no sex tonight”. Three hours later (after working to suppress desire so I wouldn’t be angsty going to sleep) we hop into bed and after a couple minutes she says “What? Are we not going to have sex tonight?” The tired comment, while factually correct, had nothing to do with sex!
Original false assumption: I knew very little about female orgasms and was under the impression that only a small percentage (25%) of women could have them. Thus, when we couldn’t quite get Zelda there early in our marriage, I never initiated a conversation about what else we could try. To be fair, Zelda didn’t know any better either!
Lots of good answers here. I can identify with lots of them.
I very falsely and stupidly assumed that because DH and I didn’t think the same in a few areas that he was wrong! And that men just wanted sex for the fun of it and had no idea that they actually needed it. And that because I had a responsive desire, I assumed he was the ‘whole’ person and I was the broken one. Coming to TMB helpeed that.
DH also has an area of life that he is super good at. Probably better than anyone else in this whole world. And its an area that causes me panic every time I have to do it, due to stuff from childhood. So he would try and tell me how and what to do. Lol it didn’t work. He knew I was stressed, but to him it was nothing. So I made him do it rather, when he was around. Well, after years of this, one day things came to a head. I told him super clearly how I felt, how this stressed me out greatly, and he didn’t need to come on the scene yet and give male directions that I couldn’t understand, anyways. Well, he told me all he had in mind was to make my life easier and that he felt sorry for me, having so much extra work🙄. I said it wasn’t. It was causing me a lot of anxiety. Case closed. He had no idea the stress he caused, and I wouldn’t have guessed he was trying to take care of me.
I assumed that my wife would think getting a sex toy would be sinful or perverted. Then she told me about one of her girlfriends going to buy one with her cousin, like it was no big deal. I asked if she’d ever try something like that and she shocked me by saying “sure!” It took us a bit to decide on something, and several weeks after it arrived before we actually tried it. So glad we had that conversation, as it’s the only way she’s ever been able to have an orgasm. We have a small collection now to allow for some variety!
My current false assumption is very much like Scott’s current false assumption.
For me, a lot of it stems from DW’s past refusal patterns. She would use the excuse of being tired from work or life in general as a reason to turn down my initiation. So now, if I pick up the hint that she’s tired from a long day or had a rough day overall, I’m tempted to back down from initiating out of fear of rejection.
Unfortunately, if I don’t catch myself and remind myself that she’s not refusing anymore, it creates a difficult loop of frustration where I back down from initiating and also get frustrated that we don’t have sex… Then I withdrawal….which causes the loop to continue and get worse. In reality, I’m the one who started the frustration by not initiating and basing my fears on perceived rejection instead of actual rejection.
I’m still working on this one and we discussed it some yesterday when I showed her this QOTD.
I also learned one of her’s… A few nights ago, I fell asleep before she did, but she was in the mood. Instead of waking me and telling me, she made the false assumption that I would prefer my sleep….