QOTD – 8/4/2020
What role does fantasizing play in your marriage bed?
- Do you have fantasies?
- Do you share them with your spouse?
- Do your fantasies tend to be about something you would like to add to your to-do list, or things you already do and are planning to do again?
Not too long ago, Dr. Allan of Sexy Marriage Radio had a sex researcher named Justin Lehmiller on the show. Lehmiller defined fantasy this way:
“A fantasy, very simply defined, is a mental thought or image that turns you on. Something that crosses your mind, where there’s some experience of sexual arousal that accompanies it.”
That really got me reconsidering fantasies altogether. Where is often thought, I don’t really have many sexual fantasies, by that definition I did. I was sharing this with DW over the weekend (so the timing of this QOTD is perfect). I shared this reframing with DW because she’s insisted for years that she has no sexual fantasies. Given her tendency to responsive desire, that doesn’t totally surprise me, though I had wondered if redefining the term would change her answer (so far it has not).
My main fantasies are about DW surprising me with sex. I often think when I’m in the shower that it would be great if she decided to just jump in and start having fun with me. Another thought I’ve had many times is about coming home (when the kids aren’t here) to find her naked and waiting for me (and in the more fantastical part, playing with herself for me to see). I also have fantasies about OS (both giving and receiving), but I don’t tend to entertain those for long since that’s a pretty clear “no” from DW so dwelling on it isn’t helpful.
@luvabug99 that’s a simple and clear enough definition….I need to take note of it somewhere.
Before reading that I was going to say, fantasizing to me is a complex word, it could be a “daydreaming” as @Crazydaddy mentioned, it could just be using your imagination, something to do, “transporting” to a different scene, or going back in a memory to relive something, or to put yourself in a place even if it’s something you would never want to happen in real life or it could be for something that is real and desired or for something completely impossible for various reasons. It can be focused around your or be a form of escapism or dissociation.
Yes, I, and my husband, have had fantasies, and yes, we have shared them.
My husband’s tend to fall in the “doing” category that the question is asked in. He has things he wants to do for the first time, and things he wants to re-do. My fantasies tend to be around scenarios, or “transporting to a different scene”, often during sex. It’s a way to get a thrill, while safely at home.
I would say they play a fun part! Yes, we both have them and are very comfortable sharing. However, they are almost always things we find erotic but have no interest in actually doing. For example, OS in an elevator. Most are about locations, but some surround activities that would be difficult to accomplish with a child still living at home. The role they play for us is that we like to talk about them during foreplay, etc.
Yes, yes, and yes. Yes, I have fantasies, and they do involve my DW and I have shared them with her. She recently asked the question if there were things I would like her to do or to be done that she is currently not doing and we had a good discussion about it which included some fantasies. Recently bought a couple things toward that end.
Yes, I have them.
Rarely share them. DW is a vanilla, LD, responsive only, but usually willing wife. Sharing fantasies seems to intimidate her and make her feel pressured because of her lack of sexuality. I don’t want to shut her down and mess with what little sexual confidence she has.
Usually they are things I’d like to add. Honestly, almost all of my fantasies involve my wife acting like a sex crazed nympho. 😁😬
Yep….and they often cause problems. In fact, almost always cause problems.
I don’t know if you could or should call all of them fantasies per se, but I often find myself looking ahead and thinking about what I would like to do that day to/with/for my DW. The problem is that if I ever share these thoughts with her, she most often will poo poo the idea or react with some apathetic reaction and it kills me. Or if I don’t share them but simply try to proceed along those lines to make it happen, something invariably happens that derails the idea and things go to hell from there. So I have come to the conclusion that “fantasies” are just problems waiting to happen and I am trying to avoid them going forward. It stinks really.
For me, I feel like the word “fantasy” refers to something that isn’t real. I prefer to call fantasizing, “daydreaming,” and that happens fairly frequently. I prefer to fill the voids in my day with thoughts about my sexy wife than politics and other nonsense (woodworking comes in a distant second, though, and I’d call that fantasizing!). I rarely think about activities that I know will not happen in our MB, and prefer to think about things I know have a chance of coming to fruition. I don’t always share with my DW, but I have often done so.
@Crazydaddy . . . Woodworking? One of my favorite things to fantasize! Thinking about and fantasizing about designs, techniques, tools, other fine woodworkers’ (Paul Sellers, Bob Cosman, Matt Cremona, Neil Paskin, et. al.) pieces of ‘art’ . . . they mesmerize me and put a smile on my face as I drift off to sleep!
Seriously, I’ll post my thoughts on sexual fantasizing, later. 🙂
Wife’s not cared for the role play ideas (although she’s seemed a little more open to “the cabana boy” with some oil application so maybe there’s hope) so many of my thoughts go to positions, locations, trying something new. She doesn’t think a lot about those things but on occasion we’ll talk about those things or when we’ve used the ULTIMATE INTIMACY app, DW has said she’d like to try certain positions or activities.
Sexual fantasies come in different packages. Some are simple fleeting thoughts. Others may be recurring notions. A fantasy could a yearning for a sexual act or experience that is elusive or unlikely to ever happen. Many fantasies enrich ones marriage bed. Others are forbidden fantasies. Some fantasies even come true!
All of these types of fantasies have been experienced by me . . . and Mrs. Oldbear (by just knowing her for all these years). Here’s my self-admission!
Some are simple fleeting thoughts. Yes, I’ve seen a beautiful woman with poise, grace, and mystery and thought . . . what would it be like to be married to her, to go on a cruise, kiss her, or more. This is a fleeting thought, a mere blip, no real lust, and no lingering afterthought.
Others may be recurring notions. These are problematic, if they are about ‘forbidden fruit.’ For example, a colleague who suddenly catches your fancy and your mind goes where it shouldn’t go. If it happens once, it’s an anomaly; a fleeting thought, twice it’s a replay, often to get replayed and replayed, three or more times and it tugs at you, dangerously. It could develop into an EA or more. Wrong and forbidden.
A fantasy could a yearning for a sexual act or experience that is elusive or unlikely to ever happen. I have that fantasy in our marriage bed: fellatio to completion.
Many fantasies enrich ones marriage bed. Whenever I masturbate, I fantasize about Mrs. Oldbear, adding a bit of randiness or picturing her in the throes of her own ecstasy. That’s good fantasy!
Others are forbidden fantasies. Imagining Mrs. Oldbear with another woman – a forbidden fantasy. Yet, for some reason, men often have a tendency to imagine such a fantasy.
Some fantasies even come true! Our marriage bed has experienced many a new, fresh and creative sexual twist because of a fantasy. I’ll never forget fantasizing about shaving Mrs. Youngbear. For months/a year or two, I fantasized. Then one evening during torrid foreplay, I asked her gently and romantically if she would like me to shave her bald. To my great delight, she not only said ‘yes’ she begged me to do so! Trust me that was the beginning of a string of fantasies to come true for us!