Question fo men

    Do you feel as if you failed if you didn’t make DW have an O? Do you feel as if an O is required every time you have sex? 

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      @Oldbear, you are one I wish I could sit down with and ask questions to my hearts content. I would love to dig, examine, and pick apart (in a good way, for understanding) you and your marriage. I know there’s a lot to learn from you, and you exude wisdom and a loving heart. Sometimes your relationship feels so idealistic it seems impossible to reach for some of us (speaking for myself.) I would love to see the reality of all your years (including conflict, struggles and resolutions), in order to feel hope, rather than hopeless at reaching the seemingly impossible.

      Under the stars Answered on January 2, 2020.

      Gosh – I’m humbled by your comment!

      on January 2, 2020.
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        Do you feel as if you failed if you didn’t make DW have an O?

        No, I don’t feel as if I have failed. I’m disappointed – mostly for her, but then secondly for me. The reason I don’t feel I have failed is that there are several factors that come into play. I will definitely do my part. Some of the other factors are under her “control” and some aren’t. Just like losing isn’t failing. So, too, not having an O every time isn’t failure.

        Do you feel as if an O is required every time you have sex?

        Not as much as I used to. We aim more at having a romantic and enjoyable time of giving to the other. Having said that, we typically have more than 1 O, as when O’s are on the table (bed?) for DW, she usually has several.

        Under the stars Answered on December 28, 2019.
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          Not a man, but I will offer this perspective:  sometimes (more in the past) it certainly seems like DH feels like a failure when I just can’t quite get there. The result of that feeling is that I feel pressured to succeed for him, which makes it harder to relax and enjoy (and thus “succeed”.) It spoils the pleasure I did have.

          I don’t know that I’ve ever entered into sex thinking, “I don’t actually want an O right now.” But I have realized that it wasn’t going to happen and that it wasn’t worth stressing over when I had enjoyed myself immensely just from the rest of it.

          Guys, you are never a failure if you have made love to your wife; that is, if you have considered her needs and done your best to make her feel good and express your love. Focusing on how you feel about her response is neither considering her needs, nor making her feel good. So relax and trust her when she says “No I didn’t/am not going to O, but I enjoyed myself anyway!”  😉

          Under the stars Answered on January 1, 2020.
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            I used to, but then i realized that orgasm isn’t always attainable.   Things like stress from work and being tired, affects her mindset.   But sometimes it’s just the experience that she enjoys.

            but when she does have an orgasm it is great!

            Double bed Answered on December 29, 2019.
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              • Do you feel as if you failed if you didn’t make DW have an O?

              A:  Yes and no. We went 12+ years of marriage without Zelda (the DW) getting one, ever. Well, she did have some nocturnal (while asleep) when she was pregnant. Because of that, I (Scott) am very acclimated to her not climaxing. But that 12-year span absolutely made me feel like a failure as a DH. I clearly did/do not have the sexual prowess to get her an O through MS, OS, or PIV. And the PIV could also be a deficiency on my part physiologically. Now, I can logically say that perhaps no other person could get her there either, nor does she have any interest in being with someone else, but emotionally I still feel like I failed. Now that we’ve added a vibe to help her O quite regularly with PIV, I don’t feel that I am a failure during that individual session if she doesn’t O. Sometimes we just miss it. But I certainly feel disappointed, as I want that for her. Her pleasure is of utmost importance to me, and I recently told her that what we’ve accomplished the last ~5 months with the PIV+vibe has finally allowed me to feel like the lover I always wanted to be.

               

              • Do you feel as if an O is required every time you have sex?

              A:  Nope. Obviously I’m used to her not getting one (see my first answer). But it’s clearly not going to happen every time even if we get it “nearly every time”. I think we’re just happy to have figured out something that gets her a 90+% success rate. We try to go in without the O as a goal and just aim for pleasure. Works well, and we’ve gotten the O unexpectedly several times after she said she didn’t think she’d get there. Overall, just easier for the logical side of me to be in control with this second question.

               

              Hope that helps,

               

              -Scott

              Under the stars Answered on December 29, 2019.
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                I’m not a man, but this is an issue my husband and I have worked through and have had conversations about, so I know his feelings on it.  And because there aren’t many men sharing the same perspective, I feel it’s important to give the different perspective.

                 

                Do you feel as if you failed if you didn’t make DW have an O?

                My husband does feel like he has failed, especially if there are multiple encounters with no O for me.  It takes less than a week for those feelings of failure to creep in.  He starts questioning his manhood, who he is as a man and a lover.  He’s a giver by nature, and when he can’t give, he’s being robbed and not fulfilling who he is.

                 

                Do you feel as if an O is required every time you have sex?

                This is always his aim, but he has learned to be okay with when I let him know that “it won’t be likely” or “it’s not going to happen.”

                 

                Under the stars Answered on December 29, 2019.
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                  @Scott, have you asked Zelda what she thinks is happening?  That is a reasonable hypothesis.  I know that can be the case for me some of the time.  I don’t know if it’s as much relieving the pressure, but when my husband changes his way, he will often start stimulating me in a different way.  For me, I need a focal point of pleasure to build up to an O.  Him changing and not trying so hard, can sometimes be what is needed.

                  The other factor I have noticed at play, and I really have to catch myself and be intentional… is I would speak out of how I am feeling at the moment before starting (forgetting the whole responsive thing), and then as we start, I start realizing, “Oh, this feels good.”, and I have kicked myself more than once for not just keeping my mouth shut in the beginning, because responsive desire kicked in and I changed my mind.  But, with my personality, once I say something, I do it.  It’s part of being a person of their word.  I won’t rescind something I already committed to, if I happen to reach climax in the time frame he takes, great.  If I miss out, that’s all on me for opening my mouth when I shouldn’t have.

                  Under the stars Answered on January 1, 2020.
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                    @Scott–I agree with SC. It is a reasonable hypothesis. Also your subtle change in “technique” in response to your change in goal might result in a different and more pleasurable stimulation.  And yes, responsive desire is a big part of it. There is nothing more likely to get me turned on when I’m not feeling it than PIV intercourse. Then again, when that is what starts the process for me, there just isn’t enough time for me to get all the way to O before he is at PONR, which is why we normally save that for the end.

                    Under the stars Answered on January 2, 2020.
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                      Do you feel as if you failed if you didn’t make DW have an O?

                      No, not a failure. It seldom happened over our many years of marriage. At our more advanced age, it can happen. My only feeling is for her to enjoy the pleasure of her orgasm. It gives me pleasure.

                      Do you feel as if an O is required every time you have sex?

                      No! Intimacy and sexual joy is what matters. It happens in lots of ways and means.

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on January 2, 2020.
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                        I do and my hope and prayer is that DW does have an O each time.

                        Twin bed Answered on December 28, 2019.
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