Question for Guys about Initiation
Bit of background – I’ve never been an initiator. Even when I desire sex, putting myself out there like that makes me self conscious and open to rejection. (And ugh, seeing that in black and white makes me realize that’s what my husband goes through every. single. time.)
I know he’d like me to initiate more, and tonight I went for it. But he had an unexpected deadline at work and had to turn me down. I don’t feel remorseful about this. He and I are in the same profession and I empathize with what he’s doing. But as I lie here, unwilling to disturb him, I’m starting to second guess myself.
So my question is, does initiation matter to a husband who doesn’t get that a lot, even if it can’t be consummated? For me, I tend to be annoyed if he wants sex and I’m busy. I didn’t push him or anything, and I know he isn’t annoyed. I was trying to give him a gift, and I guess I’m just hoping he sees it that way. I will, of course, speak to him at a better time. I’m not trying to keep score or anything. But my self-conscious brain is just hoping that stepping outside of my comfort zone still matters to him.
I believe every man wants to be wanted, to be desired sexually. It is, for me, always a turn on when my wife says (verbally or without words) that she wants me–now, later today, tonight, in the morning, whenever. And, if I don’t have a plane to catch, I’m all in, whenever she’s ready. I cannot think of a time in which I did not respond and act on the offer–even if it meant staying up later into the night to get whatever done that needs to be done. My wife knows I’m a horndog, though, looking for a sexual encounter every day, which makes it less risky for her to initiate. Early in our marriage, I think she felt self-conscious about putting herself out there; as we have settled in, though, she is not afraid to do so. Our next threshold is helping her feel secure enough to initiate sex, but for experiences outside of the ordinary, conventional. It’s all good, but still some room to grow and explore together. On the other side of the coin, she’s not always game when I initiate. I get it and don’t feel rejected or undesirable, understanding the demands of her world are complicated, too. That’s not to say I don’t get frustrated; I do sometimes. But, that’s life.
In our 45 yr marriage, I can count the number of times my wife has initiated ML on two hands… OK maybe three…
It matters a lot to me. Probably because I initiate so frequently that even if she’s feeling frisky she knows it won’t be long before I am calling her, jumping her, or leading her into the MB. She rarely refuses, or if she does because she has to get something else done, she will usually give me a rain check for later that day, Even so, as other husbands have stated, it feels good when she initiates… it makes me feel desirable and wanted.
I have a convoluted experience with initiation too. My husband has said multiple times that he wants to me initiate more and and much less subtly that I do. However when I do initiate it seems like its always bad timing and he’s tired, not feeling well, has something to do etc. I know logically its not always that way but I feel like any time the answer is no or “rain check” I feel rejected and it makes it bigger in my head than it actually is. And honestly it does seem like things don’t go as well and he’s not as turned on when I initiate, I don’t know if that’s in my head because its harder for me to get turned on by being the initiator than it is if I’m responding to his initiation or if its real.
I also feel a bit gun shy because around the time my drive skyrocketed his took a nose dive due to low testosterone levels and we went through a dry and emotionally rough period where I felt very undesired and all my attempts at initiation were rebuffed. Thankfully his levels are fine now, but I’m still hesitant because it took such a toll on me and I’m afraid to be turned down again. Which also makes me ache for how he must have felt when I was refusing him so often during the first few years of our marriage.