Question for Guys about Initiation
Bit of background – I’ve never been an initiator. Even when I desire sex, putting myself out there like that makes me self conscious and open to rejection. (And ugh, seeing that in black and white makes me realize that’s what my husband goes through every. single. time.)
I know he’d like me to initiate more, and tonight I went for it. But he had an unexpected deadline at work and had to turn me down. I don’t feel remorseful about this. He and I are in the same profession and I empathize with what he’s doing. But as I lie here, unwilling to disturb him, I’m starting to second guess myself.
So my question is, does initiation matter to a husband who doesn’t get that a lot, even if it can’t be consummated? For me, I tend to be annoyed if he wants sex and I’m busy. I didn’t push him or anything, and I know he isn’t annoyed. I was trying to give him a gift, and I guess I’m just hoping he sees it that way. I will, of course, speak to him at a better time. I’m not trying to keep score or anything. But my self-conscious brain is just hoping that stepping outside of my comfort zone still matters to him.
I have a convoluted experience with initiation too. My husband has said multiple times that he wants to me initiate more and and much less subtly that I do. However when I do initiate it seems like its always bad timing and he’s tired, not feeling well, has something to do etc. I know logically its not always that way but I feel like any time the answer is no or “rain check” I feel rejected and it makes it bigger in my head than it actually is. And honestly it does seem like things don’t go as well and he’s not as turned on when I initiate, I don’t know if that’s in my head because its harder for me to get turned on by being the initiator than it is if I’m responding to his initiation or if its real.
I also feel a bit gun shy because around the time my drive skyrocketed his took a nose dive due to low testosterone levels and we went through a dry and emotionally rough period where I felt very undesired and all my attempts at initiation were rebuffed. Thankfully his levels are fine now, but I’m still hesitant because it took such a toll on me and I’m afraid to be turned down again. Which also makes me ache for how he must have felt when I was refusing him so often during the first few years of our marriage.
As most men have said, yes, I love it when the wife initiates. And most times I have time. I empathize with initiating and it not being the right time for the other. There have been a few times where I had to turn down my wife (not often…one time she surprised me when I returned home, but I was on a call for work and it took until almost the time we had to leave).
I would say do not get discouraged, but go right back to it. I’ll speak for myself, but most men would probably agree: We want to know that our wives love us, sexually desire us, and think of us sexually. When my wife initiates, to me that signals that she realizes all three things to some degree. The more effort that is put into it, the more is solidifies the thought (think of planning how, such as when my wife text me throughout the day hinting, of she sends me a slightly provocative picture/video, etc).