Refection/Sulking when sex withheld?
Do any guys/gals feel rejected or sulky if you feel you are not getting enough sex? When i feel that I am not getting enough sex(even though i am getting it regular), i feel rejected and can get sulky. My wife picks up on it right away and won’t let me get to the point where I am really feeling sorry for myself. Glad she recognizes it but wondering how other couples deal with it?
I want to specifically respond to @MomOf5 . As I read your comment here, something about your words struck a strong chord with me. I want to thank you first and foremost.
It is always amazing to me to read a wife sharing thoughts and feelings that I and so many other husbands have had. I know it happens, but the ratio is markedly on the other side. I know there are dozens of husbands here who would give their left testicle for their wife to desire sex and pursue it in a manner like yourself. I have so often wondered why it seems that this is the situation in such a large percentage of marriages. Is it some cruel tactic? I’ve wanted to ask God that (and have in prayer many times) just why it seems to be the norm in even His children. As I think about all the couples I know closely enough to have a view inside, there is significant disparity in 75% of them and only one might, might be leaning toward the husband as the LD. Perhaps that is because I am most closely connected to the husbands.
I sincerely relate to your resignation. I struggle mightily with that too often. My DW was never a refuser, but a gatekeeper of sorts and not sexual in nature at all. She has been working hard to improve our sex life, and I don’t give her enough credit. But I also know that at any one time, sex is not on her “preferred” list of things to do, or even think about. That truth serves as a tyrant over my thoughts and ultimately my actions. You know, we just get tired of the struggle. What I have found out is, now, after all these years, more often than not, I reject my self. I don’t ask or approach because as soon as I have the thought, all the reasons why not, that I’ve heard and seen over the years, flood my mind and kill my inertia. All this happens within me, she doesn’t know it is happening until it builds up over some time and I start shutting down toward her. It’s not a productive process but I find it incredibly difficult to counter in my mind. It’s like someone telling you “you can put your hand on the stove, it won’t burn you this time like it has the twenty seven times before.” My wife has begun to be able to recognize the downward spiral sooner, but can’t bring herself in to stop it, much for the same kind of reasons it gets started. The thoughts and the mindset are foreign to her.
This can cause so many other negative emotions and actions. Now as I get older and start to feel my own desire waning, I both lose some of that inner motivation that used to drive me to try again, and I feel anger about all the years lost. As I age, that thought really starts to feel like days lost, hours even. As the odds of me not having another hour get greater, it becomes a dominant thought, but not a productive one – because I don’t seem able to do anything about it.
I think one of the shared traits of many who come here as the one seeking more sex is that they are also fairly high on the “pleaser” scale. Otherwise, they would not care what the other thinks and would either make demands or leave the relationship. This of course is on top of the obvious religious connection. But the religious connection is part of the other. We also care about what God thinks and want to please Him. But often I think what happens is we forget to take care of our own feelings. We discount ourselves to the point that it becomes self-defeating and even self-destructive. As the old saying goes “our cure is worse than our sickness.” There is a quandary that burns us up. I want to sacrifice myself, deny my desires, put my wife ahead of myself, value her greater than my own person. Yet the pain that sometimes causes can start to destroy that very righteousness I seek within me. I’m sure that is a tool of the enemy.
The last few days I have wanted to approach my wife. But it was too easy for me to find reasons not to. I started feeling that anxiety build. Then last night when she finally took the bull by her own hands, and it was good, I thought “what the heck is wrong with me!? She can’t respond if I don’t approach, so who’s fault is that?” Yeah…mine.
What is the worst thing that might happen were I to share my thoughts and desire with my wife at the times and in the ways I’m having them? She could reject them outright. BUT IM ALREADY DOING THAT FOR HER! So the answer is NOTHING any more negative could happen. And…possibly….something positive could happen. (I then would have my own separate fears in performance anxiety that are uniquely male to worry about, but luckily for you, those are less applicable.)
All of this was to say to you: Do Not Give Up! To give up is the only way you will guarantee failure. In fact, I write this as much for me as for you. As I stare into a potential weekend little getaway, or not, I am reminding myself it’s ok to seek what I desire, when I desire it, how I desire it. Because I know I’m NOT seeking To cause pain or suffering for anyone else, I should also NOT seek it for myself. I am also only ever as happy as I make my mind up to be. And that is contagious, just like misery is.
Keep your chin up! Let’s all keep our chin up.
Expectations and understanding govern one’s level of satisfaction and contentment. If one’s expectations for frequent sex aren’t met, dissatisfaction is likely the response. Failing to understand our spouse’s need for or disinterest in sex will foment discontent. Emotional responses in these cases can range from passive acceptance to anger. Sulkiness is somewhere in between. Actually, none of these responses are healthy and unchecked they can do damage to the emotional health and connection in a marriage. Advice?
1. Keep the communication connection open and active (yes, I know it’s a cliche’). Really listen to each other in order understand each other so you can appreciate each other’s expectations and needs.
2. Curtail emotional responses. Emotions operate like the law of physics – every action produces an opposite reaction. If the reaction is greater than the action, the situation will escalate – not good. Only when a reaction is less than the action can a condition return to equilibrium.
I lived rejected for many years. My wife wants way less sex than I do, we did counseling, but it didn’t help much other than we realized we are just different. Didn’t change her lack of desire for sex or make my desire less.
I feel somewhat resentful of the wasted years wanted a varied and strong sex life. I never wanted threesomes or anything sinful, just a good healthy sex life, oral sex, manual sex etc. I finally figured out I can’t worry about it, it was driving me crazy. I didn’t completely let go of that feeling, but I see as one of life’s things I just didn’t accomplish or get.
As part of a couple, and being on the other end…. I can say that my initial reaction to his sulkiness is not very good, but I’ve learned to keep it leashed within me. Though, IMO, he is far from “sex starved”, but he sure can act like he is. But I also am recognizing why I have such a negative reaction to his negative reaction. It’s always good to understand ourselves, no matter who we are…. so that where my focus goes first, understanding myself, and then secondly, trying to understand him. I believe any couple would benefit from that.
Yes, I feel this. It’s hard. After dropping hints, I’ll begin being more direct and DH shuts down, says he feels hunted and I’m too forceful. I don’t really understand what’s forceful about nicely saying “I need you, I need connection and I need release” but it pushes all his buttons.
Oh, I’m absolutely guilty. I’m not sure any wife takes kindly to it and certainly it doesn’t want to make them jump up and down to play “hop on pop”. 😀
As I’ve mentioned, the longer things go (usually 3-4 days) and then I start feeling distance and like DW isn’t thinking of me and even doesn’t love me. (Yeah, it ain’t pretty and apparently (who’d have thunk that?) not very attractive to DW either to have a 53 y/o hairy man sulking around like a little kid because we had’t made love in a few days.) Most of the time, it’s probably my schedule because midweek I’m gone from sun up to sun down several days in a row. (This is where a quickie does wonders ladies and then I’m seriously a new man. It’s stupid. I see it coming and yet, it still drives both of us crazy!)
I don’t think that I get sulky, but I do feel a distance. I’ve described it to my wife as a wall going up between us. I think she notices that i seem to avoid touch when this happens. I’m by the more touchy feely one normally. Thankfully, this is the one time when she’ll be intentional and put me on the list that night.🤔☺️
For me it depends..
If we are both tired, or one has had a hard week…I understand.
But, if DH, is playing a game on his phone. and not paying attention to me – and ignoring me – I get upset. He can play his game anytime…I can only be with him sometimes.
I can totally be bought. I would build a house from sticks if she offered exciting sex every 3 or 4 days.
Reality check; She has a list of things or reasons the lack of sex is MY fault. I do get cranky. But with 5+ kids here and plenty to do, it’s inevitable that we are busy. But sex to me is at the top of my to-do list and like many things, once I am satisfied, I have energy to do anything.
Lately it’s boring HJ and last sex-starvation took her 13 days to finally be available.
In my past is porn. When we were married 10 years or so, her sexuality dropped. Then a few years after that, revealed that she doesn’t like to be nude and though I like her to be nude (in private of course) she feels self conscious. So in those days, porn was an easy alternative and the smiling faces in porn helped my low self-esteem, it really screwed me up.
Then I realized my wife was not the problem. So in 2015 I found a way to leave the porn. Well, after that I had to face reality. I was a coward. Couldn’t face my wife with my sexual needs and often gave up talking about it. But the rage grew and she started to notice that despite her hugely clever excuses to reduce her sexuality, it was affecting the marriage relationship. Vaginismus was the next reality and to her an easy excuse to say no and to reduce her sexuality further.
Today she is a very dis-respectable wife and treats me like one of the kids, ordering me around and throwing my things out of areas such as the kitchen and dining room. There are no sex acts she performs. Her excuses seem good to her and the babies and grandkids in the house fulfill her desires and feelings as a woman.
Not for me.
As my career went down in flames and my alternate career also went down, add to that no sexual fulfillment, so I mope around looking for books or web sites such as this, gym time and house maintenance to keep my mind off of things.
She knows I’m moping around but says it’s my fault and I did it to myself. She needs me for babysitting and fixing stuff but really…
she hates me. No really…she hates me.