I haven’t posted here, but i’d like to share what’s been going on in my life. I’m 38 & have been married for ~14 years. DW & I have had struggles and recently entered Christian Counseling.
Much of our problems have been in the bedroom. Specifically, with her desire. She struggles with anxiety and has little to no libido. We have been attending counseling for a couple months, and recently were introduced to “Sensate Focus.”
Without going into too much detail, the first stage deals with non-sexual touching. I questioned the process at first, but I’m committed to improving our relationship. The first stage challenges couples to get comfortable with each other naked.
As a couple of almost 14 years, and 3 kids…this sounds redundant. However, through our sharing beforehand, she told me that she was uncomfortable with alot of what we were doing. We needed to reset; start fresh.
During the first session of Sensate Focus, both husband & wife are in bed, naked. One lays down & relaxes. The other massages/touches them for 10min. The touching is to be selfish in nature; not trying to guess what the other one wants. They are to touch/enjoy how they want. (without touching breasts/genitals/or anything that makes the other uncomfortable). While the focus is on non-sexual touching, the nudity helps with vulnerability & trust. After 10min, the two switch.
I can already tell a difference in my wife. I had no idea she wasn’t totally comfortable with our sex life. By “resetting” our sexual relationship, it has helped her work through anxiety/stresses and help build trust/desire/vulnerability. We are only a few days in, but I already see positive signs. She seems less stressed, as well as happier.
Sensate Focus has different levels of progression for the couple to work through. While I have no timetable for progressing (I have a high sex-drive), I want her to feel 100% ready. This may sound frustrating, but it is quite the opposite for me! I’ve seen more emotion from her in the past few days, than I have in the past few years (she’s usually a bit stoic).
From my perspective, not focussing on sex, has allowed my mind to focus more clearly. I feel like i’m dating her again. I want to have sex, but when she’s ready. I want to become more intimate, but not until she’s there. Simplifying our bedroom activity has helped immensely.
I hope that any couples struggling with similar issues would try this.
I can hear women all over the world imagining something like that and breathing a huge sigh of relief! This makes so much sense to me I can’t even articulate it (and I am both a HD wife and I love playing with words!) I feel like this (from your description) could be useful to any couple, not just those having trouble. I’m going to go read up on Sensate Focus because it sounds fascinating and just so obvious. No–“sensible”!!! 😀