Resources to help husband become a better lover

    After 20 years of marriage my husband and I have just come back together after separating for several weeks and nearly choosing divorce.  I was the person who chose to leave after years of sexual frustration, not feeling attracted to my husband, etc.

    I really want to make this work. My sex drive has increased in my 40’s. My husband’s drive is fine but he’s so prude.  He also doesn’t seem to know how to find the g-spot, clitoris, etc. I only orgasm using a vibrator during sex and he usually doesn’t give me enough time for that, even.

    Now that I’ve decided to stay committed to our marriage, I’m ready to be more honest and help both of us have better sex.

    Are there any non-porn how-to books or videos for men? I want to be gentle with his feelings.

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    12 Answer(s)

      I actually love historical romances but I partly blame them for making me dissatisfied with my husband. I mean, why can’t he be a Highlander? 😂😂😂

      Twin bed Answered on July 18, 2019.

      Dissatisfaction with reality is actually the real and biggest danger, IMHO, in romance novels. I never intended to take up reading them but my “Mystery-with-a-dash-of-romance” morphed into the reverse at a time when DH was often too tired, and they became a band-aid on the situation. (But you know about band-aids, right? They rip skin and hair off when you take them off!!) Anyway, I don’t think they are inherently evil, but I do read with caution. Some are less harmful than others, and I don’t believe it is the level of heat that makes the difference. I think it is the portrayal of the underlying relationship and some of the stories can be surprisingly deep—even the ones with the sexy Highlanders! 😀 😀

      on July 18, 2019.
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        I was mistaken, it was his book Turn up the Heat, that had some remarks that were sexist. After reading it, it made me discount any of his books on sex. Sorry for the mistake!
        Here is one example from Turn up the Heat that shows a shallow understanding of women and, to me, equates a wife with a prostitute:
        Page 96 under the heading “Want Great Sex?”
        Here’s a hint: as my lifetime buddy Moonhead says, “Hey, Lehman, put a few hundred dollar bills on her pillow for shopping. That’ll help. “

        Double bed Answered on July 18, 2019.
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          Welcome! Thanks for sharing a bit of your life with us.

          It is good to see that you are committed to your marriage and to work on having better sex. Have you read the articles on the front page of The Marriage Bed site? I encourage you to read through those and share them with your DH. It would also be helpful for him to read the daily The Generous Husband blurbs written by Paul.

          “Sheet Music” by Kevin Leman would be a good book for your DH to read.

          In addition, if you are willing and he is willing, it might be best for you teach your DH. You know your body best, you know what you want in your marriage bed, you know what he isn’t doing for you, etc. If you don’t feel you know enough, then that is good motivation for you to study more so you can teach him.  I think it is better for you two to learn together if at all possible.

           

          Under the stars Answered on July 17, 2019.
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            Ruth Buezis has the awaken love website also has tons of wonder blog posts that are very practical and she and her husband have video class for men.

            I did not care for Sheet Music, some of Lehman’s comments in it were sexist.

            Double bed Answered on July 17, 2019.
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              He also says in Turn up the Heat that women don’t need to orgasm every time, but he never says that about men. I think it’s pretty rich for a man to say that about women but not say that about men.

              Double bed Answered on July 18, 2019.
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                I think it’s important to have some honest, candid discussions with your husband because sex is a very important part of marriage.

                Queen bed Answered on July 18, 2019.
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                  Since you said he can be a prude, how about some discussion about each of your sexual fantasies, providing you both agree not to judge one another? It might lead to some hot sex 🙂

                  Queen bed Answered on July 18, 2019.
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                    This might sound like a stupid question, but does he actually know that there’s a problem?

                    It’s obvious when a man has had an orgasm because he ejaculates, but it’s a bit less obvious when a woman has had an orgasm (and as the film When Harry met Sally showed, female orgasm can be convincingly faked easily enough). Maybe you need to tell him that you’re not having orgasms from intercourse, and that you need more time to get there.

                    You might also find it helpful to guide him during the act. If he can’t find your clitoris, then take his hand in yours and show him where it is and how to touch it. This is likely to be more helpful than reading general resources, given that every woman’s anatomy and preference will be different.

                    Some resources that I’ve found helpful are the book Intended for Pleasure by Wheat and Wheat and the website marriedchristiansex.com

                    Fell out of ... Answered on July 20, 2019.
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                      Wow, I don’t recall Sheet Music having any sexist language.  Wksnhrs said, “I did not care for Sheet Music, some of Lehman’s comments in it were sexist.”

                      I’ll take to reading with a more open and respectful eye.  I thought it a great book and would recommend it.  I would not consider myself in any way sexist or leaning sexist.  Do you recall any examples?

                      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on July 18, 2019.
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                        Judge this suggestion against your definition of porn and ignore it if it is not right for you, but if you feel comfortable with it, you might try reading a romance novel together. In my very UN-professional opinion, most romance novels are written by women and the actions of the male characters are therefore the fantasy ideal (at least on the surface). If you are comfortable reading explicit scenes together (or separately), he might see that a woman really appreciates when a man focuses his full attention on her and her pleasure. If you are not currently a romance novel reader, look at the reviews and watch for spoilers. I seldom remember much of this type of book after I’ve finished it, so I don’t have a specific recommendation for you; maybe a friend or librarian could help you find the right book.  There are some that feature explicit LM scenes that do not include impossible expectations, but if you can’t find one of those, simply focus on the fact that the heroes usually cherish and treasure their wives; they put her and her needs, desires, and pleasures before their own; and they exemplify their selflessness in many ways in the MB and out of it. Maybe he just needs to see what it could look like to really focus on you in order to learn to do it himself.

                        Again, please do not let this suggestion draw you into something that would be sin for you.  Only try it if you are certain it will not become a stumbling block for you.

                        Under the stars Answered on July 18, 2019.
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