Scheduled Sex – Ever tried it?
Have you tried to schedule sexual encounters with your spouse? Do you have set days of the week where you have both agreed that sex WILL happen?
Tell me what you think about it! Benefits? Disadvantages?
We tried it once, but it only lasted a week, I think. We kept having spontaneous ‘unplanned’ sex on other days and then some scheduled days were sometimes skipped, and with continued ‘unplanned’ sex, the schedule kind of fell apart.
So, if you are a scheduled sex advocate, tell me why! Sell the idea to me (and maybe I can try selling the idea to my husband!).
We have tried it in the past, and it never seemed to last past a week….because my husband seemed to have a resistance to it and it’s “too hard”. We are currently on a schedule with sex, we do every other day. During this time, we have both suggested swapping days when it works better for us. I also have the freedom to throw in extra times any time I want.
I/we don’t plan for this to be a long term thing, but it’s something to get us through this season where I am really struggling with my sexual desire in the midst of the craziness of life. The benefit to this schedule is we both know when to expect things. I have the ability to prepare myself for what is to come, and on the off nights, I can just relax and not worry about things. A downfall, I notice my husband behaves differently when sex is not on the schedule. It seems to only be important to connect with me and meet my needs, when he knows sex is to come. Otherwise he gets wrapped up in his own things, and coming to bed at the same time isn’t a priority, along with other things.
Right now, all we are having is scheduled sex. DH didn’t like the idea at all, to start with. So, I left it with him to initiate. But, nothing was happening, no one was putting much effort forth, nights would get too busy and too late, one would suggest it because ‘it was time’, neither really felt like it, it was too much work, there was too much stress, and so on. I really had to insist on trying a schedule. DH had no use for such a schedule. It took us almost a year to both get into it. I usually mention in the morning that tonight is sex night. It gives us both time to mentally prepare and get to bed earlier. We don’t have certain days of the week. We rather schedule it for every few days. If by chance, we have it sooner then we normally do, we just reset the schedule again. If all at once a sex night happens without sex, we try extra hard to have it the next night.
We both hope to eventually be spontaneous again, but for now, this is working. We like it because no one needs to ask or be the one to initiate or wonder if the other one is up to it, or in the mood.
Scheduled sex? No, I wouldn’t say we scheduled it for sure. We usually do Sunday afternoons and Friday mornings.
The only time we “put sex on the calendar” was our honeymoon 😀 and at the beginning of Covid this year when we did a 21 Day Challenge.
I am a huge proponent for scheduled regular sex and it is all we do currently in our MB. Here are my reasons for it and I cannot really think of any cons associated with it.
- I cannot think of anything that works better for a HD / LD marriage, It gives both spouses something and is a fair compromise so in my marriage, both parties come out with something
- The HD spouse does not get frustrated wondering “when will have sex again” because both spouses know when the next time will happen
- The LD spouse gets an “off” night (s) where he/she does not have to think about anything sex related and therefore can relax knowing it won’t lead to sex
- My DW and I still do a lot of hugging, cuddling in between and nothing is off the table in between scheduled sex sessions.
This was a game changer in our MB and I would highly recommend it especially if there is a huge discrepancy between drives in your marriage.
Rarely is it spontaneous. Usually it’s scheduled and has been for quite some time. Wednesday quickie (because we get home from church later) and Saturday night is the scheduled longer LM time. We are usually up at 4:30 a.m. during the week so it’s hard to have a longer time of sex in the week that goes later, because we try to get to bed around 9. Saturday night tends to work the best because we sleep in till about 6 or so ( we still go to bed about the same time Saturday night, which gives us more time to play). Sometimes a week may get changed to Thursday/Sunday. That’s our schedule right now. The other factor that limits more week day times is that my wife never knows when she’s going to get a 12 a.m. or 2 a.m. “I can’t make it in at 3:30” call so she ends up having to go in to fill in for the person. Makes for short nights. So then the following night she is usually even more tired after what will turn out to be a 15-16 hour day. I try to be sensitive to her need for some extra sleep without pressuring for sex, even if it was the “scheduled” night.
We have never tried an official schedule. Not sure why not, maybe it will be embraced at some point.
Currently we are on a loose schedule of every other day during her Follicular Phase (pre-ovulation) and every third day during her Luteal Phase (post-ovulation). Occasionally, there will be sex a day before it was “supposed” to happen, and a bit less often we’ll have an extra “off” day in there. This “schedule”, of course, can be interrupted by a variety of things such as illness, travel, etc.
DW and I believe that spontaneous sex is usually better than planned because it is an indication that both of us are desiring intimacy emotionally and physically at the same time. That said, simply living in today’s world requires certain elements to be scheduled (school, work, church, hosting/attending meals with others, sporting events, etc.) which work counter to total spontaneity. So, like everything else in life, it makes sense to “put it on the calendar” if that’s the only way to find the time for it when being crowded out by “life”. We never literally “put it on the calendar” but I’d often tell her to plan for a “roll in the hay” that evening and sometimes she’d initiate the same way. DW and I have much more time for spontaneous LM now that I have retired than we did before. Back then, though not etched in stone Sunday after church when we were changing clothes was almost always a standing “date” unless we had company. (and still is!) Not rising early enough to leave for work at 6:45AM every morning has opened up our schedule for morning sex which is great since my T is higher and I don’t mess up her hair LOL.
My wife said she didn’t want to schedule it because she believes it should be spontaneous…however after trying to be spontaneous and getting turned down, I believe that’s why she used that excuse. if it was scheduled, she wouldn’t feel obligated and would have to get more creative with her reasons for saying no.