I regularly do chores and other things around the house. I do them because they need to be done, and because I’m sharing the load with my wife. I also do them because one of her love languages is acts of service.
We have talked about how much we think about sex during the day and such. She says she just doesn’t really think about it that much. Our frequency is fine, but I could stand making love a little more often.
For her, she gets in the mood AFTER we get started. I of course get in the mood WELL beforehand. She wants to please me, and has said she needs a warning when I want to make love (she rarely initiates though that’s not really a problem for us).
She has said that when she DOES think about sex, it starts getting her in the mood. I’m wanting to start sending her some suggestive text messages while she is at work or out and about that would allow her time to “warm up” to the idea. I have a general idea of content but am having difficulty think of what to actually write.
So my question is for the ladies. What types of messages would serve that purpose for you? Straightforward? Suggestive? Funny? Raunchy? What would you prefer in the same situation?
Men, have you done this? What works for your situation.
I know everyone is different and mileage may vary, but it never hurts to seek suggestions.
you really have to know your wife on this one. If you’ve never done it before, I would suggest starting with something relatively mild and seeing where it goes. Like: “I’m thinking about you right now.” “I wish I was with you in bed right now.” Or: “Remember the last time we made love? Wasn’t that great?”
Depending on how she responds, you could consider taking things up a notch. However, given security concerns, I might suggest an app like Whispers, which allows private messages to be sent back and forth, and even includes quote memes you can use at different levels of “naughtiness.” My wife prefers this approach, since she’s concerned about our kids accidentally seeing our text messages. So now, all sexting is done over the Whispers app.
We use the Signal app. Fully encrypted. Sexting and nude pics during the day happens fairly regular (it does it for me but not always for her). A few times when we are apart for a day or 2, it even has a encrypted secure video phone call feature. We have pleased ourselves with each other watching on a few occasions (she doesn’t like it but does it to make me happy). I typically start it off soft with something like… What kind of panties are you wearing today? Here is a picture of my bulge in my briefs. Want to see this bulge grow? Tell me what you want to do to this bulge tonight after kids are asleep? Etc…. It works to “warm” her up about 25% of the time which is good enough considering she is the low drive spouse.
No sexting for us. I tried it some years back, and she was mortified that one of us would send to a third party by mistake ( one of our friends did exactly that) or someone else will see it on her phone if we made a habit of it. I keep my phone on me at work, she does not have hers with her at all times.
I have not brought up the encryption angle, but don’t think she would go for it, for the same reasons as above.
This is a big one for me. H and I are in contact for much of the day through text. It does help me prepare for “later” once I’ve felt we’ve been connected throughout the day. Like others have mentioned, it really depends on your wife. I think this “connection” can look differently for different people. DH has a really stressful and demanding job. For the most part, my H is silly with me, I think the benefit for me (my love language is quality time) is being more a part of his work life away from me. He’s letting me know I’m on his mind despite whatever is happening in his world at the moment. That is a real turn on. Have you and your wife tested your love languages? That might determine whether texting would help your wife.
I was just looking at your question again. in addition to sexting, you might try hiding little written notes where you know she will find them eventually. These would be more vague (especially if there is a chance someone else could find them) but still slightly suggestive and/or just completely romantic and would build her overall habit of thinking sexually. I was thinking you could hide them in her purse, in her car, her nightstand, her dresser, the refrigerator, in a book she’s reading, her Bible, among the bills/mail if she’s the one who handles that…the places it would be fun to discover a love note from DH are endless! You might say things like:
- I’m so glad I married you! I would do it all over again every day for the rest of my life!
- Hi Beautiful!
- Hey, right now, wherever I am, I am thinking about you. How can I know that when I don’t know when you will find this? I know it because I am always thinking of you.
- This note is in the hands of the most beautiful woman in the world. I love you.
- Remember, I’m with you wherever you go, since you hold my heart in your hands.
- Je t’adore! [french: I adore you. OR you could say I love you in Spanish, whichever is appropriate for you]
- I cannot wait for you to be in my arms again! If life were perfect, you would always be there.
You get the idea. If anyone else found those, their response would just be, “Awwwww!” Your wife will melt a little at each one. You never know when she’ll find one, but whenever she does you will occupy her mind for a long while afterward!
Our sexts tend more toward the suggestive (lots of double entendres and inside jokes) silly/raunchy (pictures of sausages in the supermarket while shopping) or just straight up frank (verbiage of what we want to do to each other with decidedly un-clinical or flowery terms). While I appreciate sweet sentiments and knowing he loves/cherishes me it doesn’t get me going sexually like dirty talk does.
I know this is frustrating to a husband, but how different things land on me, is very mood and circumstance dependent.
For my personality, straightforwardness is always the best bet. If I wanted to know in advance that he was wanting sex, him telling me just that, earlier in the day, allows me to work on my mind and attitude. It’s much better than him trying to hint or manipulate a situation. Anything other than direct communication allows for the other to add intent or motive to things, and is open to (mis)interpretation, and easily slips into miscommunication and misunderstandings. After I know what is expected, then things can expand from there.
As GeorgeB said, it takes knowing your wife. Some like flowery and romantic words. Some like teasing. And some just like things that are straightforward.
As a man — to answer your question, no, I have not done any sexts or erotic messages for my wife. And I don’t think I’d like to send anything erotic of myself online for fear someone else would see it. Admittedly, I once made an erotic video for her and put it on her computer (I told her it was there), but she told me she didn’t feel comfortable with that and never watched it. So I’ve never done any erotic media of any kind for her since then.