Sexual Awakening Benefits for LD Spouse
What did your sexual awakening look like? As the LD spouse, how did you enjoy sex more afterwards? Mainly physically? Emotionally? Gladness because conflict decreased? What were the main benefits for you?
These thoughts are carried over from my recent question. It’s more of a new question and more appropriate here.
When I say it’s getting better, it means it doesn’t feel like its such an emotional drain on her to make love anymore. She has began to find joy in making love as a way to serve me and help me. That’s a step in the right direction because its done with a smile and more glad heart when before it was done with just enduring it out of obligation (in love – but obligation). But the overwhelming majority of anything sexual for her is still simply serving me. It is not yet a thing that she deeply enjoys for enjoyment.
I am trying to slowly lead us towards sex being more positive in her mind. We don’t discuss individual acts because talking about anything sexual makes her uncomfortable I’m trying to slowly and gently, but firmly, lead her towards more conversations so we can examine our intimate relationship and figure it out and how it can be better. I want to lead her but dont know how if I dont know what shes thinking/feeling.
Honestly, if it were up to her, she’d just leave it how it is and ignore it. But i’m not satisfied with that. I’m not satisfied with where we are. I believe God has so much more for us. (Tonight we got to talk I encouraged her that I’ve seen progress. She said she hasn’t seen any. I told her that I had seen a change in her even if she hadn’t seen it in herself. I know my efforts are bearing fruit – its just really slow. )
This is why I am trying to change her mindset. I have heard repeatedly that sex is mostly mental for women. If I can help her embrace the idea that it’s for both of us, something for her to enjoy and desire, then its a HUGE step in the right direction for us.
I want sex to be more enjoyable for us both. And I’m not sure how to verbalize what that will look like for her. For me it’s emotional connection and release and re-centering and reaffirming our relationship and reconnecting. But for her it’s simply taking care of my needs. Again, that’s a step in the right direction from emotional pain. But I’m not sure how to describe to her what it can be for her because she has no point of reference. She sees sex as only for me. Her primary understanding of sexual pleasure is my physical pleasure?
I know that the Lord created it to be more than that for her, but how? Is it primarily emotional? Is it physical as well? When sex is a joy to both, is there an increased physical desire in the LD spouse?
As the LD spouse, when you had your ‘awakening’ what changed? How was it ‘better’ beyond the absence of pain and conflict?
Can you help me describe to her how sex is for her as well? What benefits will she experience?
Wow, you asked a lot 🙂 I don’t have the time, at the moment, to make the investment an answer would take. But one thing I kept thinking as I was reading was, your wife might greatly benefit from the Passion Pursuit study by Dr. Juli Slattery and Linda Dillow. Chris @ The Forgiven Wife hosts it twice a year. Look for it come spring.
That study will address just about any hangups she may have and it addresses the mindset and the heart. Conviction from the Holy Spirit will have better results than you trying to change her mind.
First, it’s going to be tough to explain to her how sex could be, because her reality is going to be different than any other woman’s. I can tell you that yes, women absolutely can enjoy it, both physically and emotionally.
Here’s what changed for me. I stopped thinking of myself as the LD spouse. Period. That label made me feel like I was defective, like I could never match up with my HD spouse.
I read the book Come as You Are, by Emily Nagoski. She has a different way to look at desire and pleasure. It’s called the Dual Control Model of sexual response. At its most basic level, it theorizes that we all have sexual brakes and sexual accelerators. You can have high, medium, and low brakes and accelerators. For example, I am Medium Accelerator, Medium Brakes. This means that I will only sometimes want to have sex without him initiating it. And it takes a little work for me to rid myself of anything that is putting the brakes on my desire. And it took me some time to figure out what my brakes were. Unfinished work is a big one for me. If I have unfinished work, I will have zero physical or emotional response to sex. If I finished my work, then my sexual brakes have been turned off, which allows my accelerator to go for it.
Guess what another brake was? Thinking of myself as an LD spouse. That label became a self fulfilling prophecy. When I realized that I just needed to figure out what my brakes were and remove them – presto! I started enjoying sex. Turns out I’m not LD at all, I’m just LD *in certain situations.*
You can Google this. I found a great website, but I hesitate to post it here because it has nudity. But I really recommend that your wife read that book. That author just gets it. She does a great job, woman to woman, of ridding her readers of insecurities, of making women feel *normal*, of training women to see what their brakes and accelerators are, and of teaching them what it means to have the varying degrees of brakes and accelerators. It changed the way I see myself and empowered me to make some changes.