Sexual Refusal – Not a One Size Fits All
When it comes to sexual refusal, I have noticed that my reactions have historically been very similar from one case to another. Still, the reasons for the refusal from DW aren’t always the same. It can been a myriad of reasons, with the #1 reason most often being lack of energy and sheer tiredness.
It’s never easy to get the stop sign and experience refusal, especially when verbal or physical efforts are made to pursue authentic intimacy (vs. just wanting an O).
My wife experienced sexual abuse from a peer as a child and its impact was seriously felt in our first several years of marriage. Mix into that a heap of shame and detachment from all things sexuality in the culture of Christian youth group abstinence, and you have a potent cocktail for barriers to sexual intimacy.
There are many struggles couples deal with in marriage, and sexual intimacy is just one of ours. Have you explored your sexual pasts and their potential impact on your relationship with your spouse? If so, how’s it going? If not, what’s the reason(s) and what type of support do you hope for?
I have asked these questions but she claims that it hasn’t happened, with the exception of me perhaps. I think she has felt like I wouldn’t take no for an answer, specifically during the time of our marriage when our children were very young. But that was a time when we were only intimate once a month, so I don’t fully get it, except that I resorted to porn during this time, and that could have affected how I treated her. For the most part, her perception of my actions are distorted. Whatever kindness I showed her was only for one reason in her mind. By God’s grace I have been delivered from porn over 10 years ago.