The blog Married Christian Sex has a fantastic article on what it means to be responsive sexually. This is something that all engaged and married couples need to read IMHO. I added my own thoughts on the importance of body language in a comment that I will put in an answer below.
Body language plays an important role in sexual responsiveness. Some people have a hard time verbalizing what they are feeling but what a couple does with their bodies can also speak volumes.
Husband examples: pulling her in close for a kiss, carressing her face, holding her head and interlacing his fingers in her hair while kissing, carrying her to bed, hiking her skirt to take her from behind, deep and lingering kisses during a lull in thrusting, etc.
Wife examples: puffing out her chest to more prominently display her breasts, rubbing her breasts against him while hugging and kissing, arching her back in doggy style, pushing him into bed and getting into WOT, breathing lustfully into his ears, etc.
All of these actions plus what is mentioned in the post indicate desire and passion without a single word spoken. On the other hand if a spouse just lays there and never participates their body language indicates a lack of desire, which can be soul-crushing for the other spouse.
I think the phrase that epitomizes the right kind of body language is, “Kiss me like you mean it.”
@SLS you’ve hit the nail on the head. You can communicate so much by how you respond to your spouse in bed. My wife suddenly became far more responsive to me a little over a year ago and I was so excited. She wasn’t just placating me, she was desiring me! Then a few months after that her libido showed up for the first time since we were newlyweds. It’s been an awesome year since. Even when she says sex is only for me, she is passionate and responsive to me, making it so much more connecting, fulfilling, and intimate.
I can get hooked up on the verbal, when he said “If you’re shy about being overtly responsive then work intentionally to overcome that barrier and share yourself more fully with your spouse.” that speaks to me. But as I went on and read how it looks, I feel better that I do the majority of what they suggest. (9 out of 12)
I think it’s important for a couple to know each other. There was a time that I was more verbal and I kept my eyes open and was much more “overtly responsive”, and after no orgasms for me for a week+, my husband felt more like a failure than wanted, and wished for me to go back to what works for us.
Oh wow! The article linked and it’s companion on enthusiasm are exactly what I would want my wife to read and take to heart. No doubt I could use some improvement in these areas as well. I’m a bit hesitant to send them however, as I’ve intimated these kinds of things in the past and it’s not always well received. She has felt at times like she’s not what I need or the dreaded it’ll never be enough that many have heard.
It’s quite the quandary at times trying to decide when to push for growth rather simply being thankful for what we have. I know for me interest, enthusiasm, and the described responsiveness are the difference between an incredibly fulfilling, intimate, and quality experience vs simply getting off. I can also see how those expectations and desires from the HD spouse can put tremendous pressure on an inhibited or LD spouse.