Sexually incompatible?

    I’m at my wit’s end.

    My wife and I just had a 2 hour discussion about our sex life and I’m reeling in depression right now.

    She’s told me that 40% of the time we have PIV sex she experiences discomfort bordering on pain (sometimes pain), 50% of the time it’s just uncomfortable and only 10% of the time is it just ok. The only times she would describe our intercourse as enjoyable is when we had used hot tubs while away on a trip.

    She endures or tolerates our PIV out of love for me and has for our 13 years of marriage but the emotional and psychological toll is wearing her down. Just 2 nights ago she had an emotional breakdown after we had sex and we just now got to really dig into it.

    There is not past sexual experience. We were each other’s first intercourse. She masturbates sporadically and rarely but can’t identify what actually turns her on. She has a low sex drive and would not describe herself as a sexual person.

    I give her oral and she rates that as good to great the majority of the time. I do not receive oral as 1. She says her mouth is too small and gag reflex too great and 2. She has hangups about the penis. She won’t touch it. She doesn’t want me to masturbate in her presence as part of love making. Etc. 

    She says this overall area is so bad she’s willing to throw out the baby with the bath water. She would be content to just never have sex.

    She struggles with wondering what’s wrong with her and feels stuck. She’s convinced that if we had sex before marriage that we would not have gotten married and we are sexually incompatible.

    Between her hangups and discomfort how can we possibly maintain a sexual relationship and be satisfied with one another? I’m so lost and I can’t sleep. 

    This is a huge burden for me.

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    6 Answer(s)

      Has she spoken with a doctor about this? The first thing that concerns me is the discomfort/pain she has with PIV. It could be that she’s got some scar tissue, or another underlying condition that is causing that pain. That kind of thing is largely treatable. A girlfriend of mine went through that. PIV was impossible for her, and she went through a period of terrible self esteem because of it. She was treated and is now fine.

      Since PIV is the source of her discomfort, it really is to be expected that she has issues touching your penis. And it has nothing to do with you personally. None of us likes facing things that hurt us.

      The fact that she likes oral tells me that she is a sexual being, but she probably gets very uncomfortable and tense during a sexual encounter. Perhaps she’s stressed about whether PIV is going to happen, and that probably exacerbates the discomfort. It would also explain why hot tub sex felt good for her. Hot tubs are relaxing and would have helped with any nerves or tenseness that are contributing to her pain.

      I know you’re probably dealing with a lot of emotions about her not wanting to touch your penis. However, I think that if you both are able to work through what’s causing her PIV pain, she may be able to move past this issue, as well.

      Talk with her and see if she’s willing to talk with a doctor about this. It isn’t all that uncommon, and there are many things that can be done. The good news is, she’s open to talking with you, and that gives you a basis from which to work.

      Blessings and prayers as you work through this.

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on November 24, 2019.
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        DoveGrey is right, if intercourse is painful, she needs to see a doctor.  She also needs to realize that if she is having pain and discomfort with you then she would probably be the same way with another man.  It does not sound like a sexually incompatibility but rather a medical issue that can be treated.

        As far as her feelings about your penis, my only thought there is she may need to see a therapist (I’m not saying this in a negative way).  There may have been something in her past as innocent as how sex was talked about that could be causing her to feel this way.

        Queen bed Answered on November 24, 2019.
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          I have the same questions as neilEthere… is she willing to do what she can to make this better?

          I agree, she should talk to a doctor about her pain. Talking to a bhrt doctor about a hormone workup may be beneficial. Don’t just assume any old doctor, even an OBGYN will give her good advice… when I talked to my OBGYN about low libido, I was literally told, “Low libido is all from here [as she placed her hand at her neck] up.” Then she went on about how hormone doctors are quacks. If I wasn’t informed enough on my own, I could have walked out of there totally hopeless OR armed to combat my husband that I was just the way I was and there’s no changing it.

          Where I slightly stray from others, rather than a therapist to work on her mental thinking…. I say go to the Great Physician and the Counselor. The study Passion Pursuit tackles almost every area that women struggle, and it’s combatted with God’s word. It’s replacing lies with the truth. It hits at the heart. Plus it’s a heck of a lot cheaper. My understanding is that Chris at The Forgiven Wife hosts this study in the Fall and Spring, online. The fall study just finished up, you should really encourage her to go through it the next time it is offered.

          Under the stars Answered on November 24, 2019.
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            The “girl plumbing physiotherapist” Neil mentioned is called a “pelvic floor physical therapist.” This is the specialist that can best help with sexual pain after you rule out medical abnormalities.

            On the floor Answered on November 24, 2019.
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              Cddude, i see to be known for being blunt, so be warned.

              She struggles with knowing what is wrong with her and she is prepared to throw the baby out with the bath water are strong statements but what is she actually prepared to do? Go to a doctor and get checked out for obvious problems? Hormones are Zan obvious choice. Go to counselling? Leah from Mid (wherever, she changed areas once) on the old boards had a huge change in her life after seeing a girl plumbing physiotherapist.  Would she do that.

              Is she prepared to cross off physical and mental reasons why sex isn’t working?

              Queen bed Answered on November 24, 2019.
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                CDDUDE, I really hope things get better with you both, and I don’t mean the sex incompatibilities and issues you shared, but your whole relationship with your DW.

                I agree with previous replies from others, you and your wife may need to ask for advice to a medical doctor about the pain she feels during intercourse. I wonder if maybe ‘sex’ (biology, sex drives, etc)  is not the actual source of the problem. Any other problems in your relationship at the moment (you don’t need to share them here, but worth thinking about this).

                When there are problems (not sex related) in the relationship, that can affect our sexual moods, and as our bodies react to thoughts and hormones, her body may just not be in the mood because of other problems, so she may not be lubricated enough down there.

                Have you thought also about using lubes?

                In our case we have never used them, but when I perform oral sex on my DW, she gets well lubricated down there, then penetration is really easy.

                If there is no OS before penetration, I just use some of my own saliva on my shaft, and it slides like a charm, better than her own lubrication.

                In our case, my wife also rarely performs oral sex on me (I do it 99.99% of the time on her, she does 0.1% on me), I just learned to live with that fact, but it is not easy;  maybe that is why I find great release in masturbation.

                Blessings CDDUDE.

                Queen bed Answered on November 24, 2019.
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