Single and sometimes lonely
Hello, I am a reader, my first time posting here.
I am in my way 20s and single, I’m in my last semester college. My last relationship was about 4years ago and it wasn’t all that Godly,thank God there was no sexual immorality in it. I broke up with him due to a few reasons especially cos of his mom.
I have been a Christian by whole life but recently felt a very strong draw to God and seeking him very seriously. My relationship with God has increased in the past year and is still going strong (glory be God). My prayer life and spiritual life has gotten really better and fulfilling.
I was sexually molested at a very tender age by different people and it really messed up my head and made me have unhealthy sex drive, I struggled with masturbation a lot in my younger years even before I could comprehend what it meant. It was so hard for me and mentally draining. I have gotten better through the years but I still have some reserved fears about sex and intimacy generally. I can’t stand men just touching me( I don’t get freaked out but it gets very annoying). With that being said I do not really know how to express physically emotions towards friends. I don’t like giving hugs except to a few people I trust and it’s usually very quick but I really crave hugs.
I want a God centered relationship but it’s so hard to find men that share similar interests especially in college. You might ask what about church? Most of my church members are married or old, even in my fellowship in school I hardly see guys that share same interests. What do you guys think about meeting people online?
I know I rambled a lot but typing here helped me get somethings off my chest. I have only a handful of friends and I don’t really feel right bothering people with my emotions. I am also struggling a little mentally; my mum is kind of in an abusive relationship and it is mentally draining both of us
MJO, I met my wife on a “Christian” website….but I can tell you from my experience AND from my wife’s, you have to be rock solid in your faith and convictions. I also believe it’s harder for a female in regards to safety and security. My wife has some horror stories and I’ve heard quite a few over the years.
The best advice I could give would be to put dating on the back burner and develop relationships with mature, Christian women who you can eventually open up to and they don’t want or expect anything in return. (A dating relationship with those kind of things shared will either scare some one away or will take a deep dive with someone who may not be safe.) You need some SAFE people who will listen to you and love on you without judgment or rejection. Experience God’s healing and how you can learn to be able to comfortably and freely share. Sadly, you were put through an ugly situation which breaks my heart for you. It was not your fault. Now you have to work through the emotional issues and scars that you carry from it and the good news is Jesus is in your corner and can heal you from the ugly past dumped onto you.
Regarding a Christian counselor, how about calling another church, especially a quality large one that you respect their theology/convictions? Tell them what you’re looking for and ask who they would recommend. Call Focus on the Family…or New Life Live (you could certainly call in to their radio show and ask for advice as well as help to line a quality Christian counselor to help address your specific needs).
With a dating list, I believe you should make a list of those things which you’ll not compromise on, which are must haves…and talk to God about them, get a peace with Him. According to PREPARE/ENRICH by Olsen and Larson, the greatest predictor for a relationship thriving is shared values & beliefs. My wife originally had a list that only Jesus could meet; and to top it off, this ideal man was supposed to wear flannel, be an outdoor enthusiast, and a whole lot more of things that I am definitely not!!! We did discover that when it came down to the basics and a whole lot more, we would have a relationship that thrived and the organization and testing I’m referring to, showed that. I did have a simple list of non-negotiables based on my faith in Christ, beliefs in marriage and it’s design, as well as the ministry in which I serve. EVERY profile I looked at was compared to the list. I looked for inconsistencies in their profiles (IE – they said Jesus is #1 and then they only went to church on Cmas & Easter or occasionally) and I only followed up with those who had complete, well-written profiles.
A healthy list is a good healthy boundary (one that protects you). It’s better to be “picky” and remaining single and alone than to be married and feel “alone”. Below was my list. I maintained it for over 10 years, looking at it, praying over it, cultivating it until I met my wife. I believe God answered my prayer because my heart and list was aligned with His heart and will. I asked God for clarity, conviction and confirmation that the list was what He wanted for me . Many times after some email dialog or phone conversations from online connections, it became abundantly clear that the person I was conversing with or went on a date or two was not a good match. I also made a list of what I was going to do to prepare myself for my future spouse so she would find me attractive and worth her covenant and hand in marriage. So let me ask, what are you doing to prepare your heart and mind to receive a blessing from God? (HINT: I think you’re heading in the right direction by seeking Christian counseling and SAFE, healthy relationships to be able to share emotionally your hurt and struggles and have friends who’ll encourage you, pray for you, and challenge you when you need a good butt-kicking – my definition of SAFE). They will really know you and all that you are and still love you. They’ll offer wise counsel or just a listening ear and when you’re done talking or spending time with them, you will feel peace even in chaos. If you were amped up, they’ve helped bring you down. They pour water on an emotional “fire” rather than gas. Those are safe and healthy people. That’s my list. If you make one, make sure it’s yours with God’s leadership and direction.
MJO, I wish you the best. May God will bless you with healing from the past; safe, healthy friendships and courage to face today; and hope for tomorrow. There is hope and healing in God. It’s not always instant or easy, but through Jesus Christ, it can be complete because He promises that Philippians 1:6.
WHAT DO I WANT:
- – someone whose passion for Christ & His Church is tangible
- – honest
- – pleasant, not moody
- – life-long learner/improving oneself
- – friendly/hospitable, not condescending
- – high sex drive, passionate about intimacy in marriage, desire to pursue/explore
- – attractive
- – not extremely sarcasti
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO:
- guard my mind & eyes
- be in God’s Word daily & memorize at least 1 scripture passage/month
- build relationships with others
Very sorry to hear about your history of sexual molestation. I echo SLS’s advice to seek professional counseling to help you address the damage that was done to you. Ideally, you should seek a Christian counselor who can bring a Christ-centered perspective to bear on your healing process and who can guide you through any issues you need to address as you seek for a spouse. I am not a counselor, but I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important it is to deal with your feelings regarding sex before entering into a lifetime commitment that has as one of its major components the sexual union between the husband and wife.
As for being lonely, you should seek groups of people that pursue that kinds of hobbies that you enjoy (book club, cooking club, workout group, etc.) The point here is not to join a group of people or club with the expectation of finding a dating partner, but to put you in the company of other people who enjoy doing the kinds of things that you enjoy. It sounds cliche, but sometimes you find what you are looking for when you are not explicitly searching for it.
I will be praying for you.
Hi MJO. Welcome on board. I am excited to hear that your relationship with God is better and getting better. God is a very loving father. He knows all your heart desires and He is ever ready to grant all your desires. I will encourage you to have a heart to heart chat with God. Tell Him all that is bordering you and He will surprise you.
I remember I told God the type of lady I want to marry. I told HIM the qualities I want and all that. At a point it looked like I was not going to get what I wanted, but He did it for me. He gave me what I asked HIM and added some other nice things I did not ask Him.
God is good. All He wants from us all is that we come to Him with our needs and wants. He loves that first of all we get reconciled to Him and all others will be provided. I wish you well. God bless you.
Welcome. My history is similar to yours. I sexually molested by my grandfather and as a result masturbated starting at a very early age…I’m thinking perhaps as young as 5. I didn’t know what I was doing until we had sex ed in middle school and they talked about it. I was SO ashamed. The effects of my abuse played out horribly as I started dating. I was seeking out love from young men and put myself in some bad situations, which led to sexual assault and an abusive relationship. I did not deal with this before getting married at 22 and my marriage paid the price. Please seek counseling, this doesn’t just go away. I would set aside the idea of a relationship honestly. I did this all wrong and went from one relationship to the next as soon as I was allowed to date.
Here is the advice I would have given 20 year old me, “Invest in your relationship in God, pursue healing with a counselor, get to know you. Pursue what you are passionate about. Enjoy friendships, invest in relationship, but allow God to bring the right man at the right time. Put it completely in His hands. “
Good for you. Sounds like you’re heading in the right direction MJO. Hang in there and keep working on your healing. Yes, I said, “work” because time does NOT heal all wounds. Ever met and conversed with an angry, bitter divorcee that has been has been divorced longer than 5, 10, even 20 years? I have many times. Instead, time with truth and effort directed by focus heals wounds all walking daily with Jesus. Don’t let the past define you or let it dictate the types of relationships you can have.
God is faithful and He can and will healing from the pain from the past. I was single after my divorce for 9 years before meeting my wife and I had a lot of learning and healing from how my first marriage ended. If God is calling you into a marriage relationship, He is more than capable of bringing someone in your path. The question is, will you be ready? Will be in tune with His heart or settle because you don’t want to be and are tired of being single. Don’t settle. My wife was worth the wait and the dark days of being single and alone and I have some rich relationships God gave me in my darkness. He can and will bring you friends during your singleness if you’ll allow Him to.
Stay strong and be faithful in the little and God will honor you with more than you could ever ask for and dream because He is good!
Hi MissJ. I was so heartborken over your current situation, you must feel quite alone and with all of these heavy issues on your heart, it probably causes you some anxiety and stress as well. First of all, I met my DH online and I will say there’s a ton of “weirdos” you have to filter through in order to get to the “good ones.” While I might recommend this type of meeting for some, you may be better off not adding that additional stressor right now. I wonder what it might be like for you to reach out to some older, female, Christian, women at church or a female Christian counselor who can help you learn to feel safe to share your feelings and emotions. Tragically , there’s a lot of baggage that goes a long with molestation and finding a safe outlet to unpack some of that without feeling like you’re a burden to them may be of paramount importance as you continue your healing journey enough to pursue a future romantic relationship. Remember, you have a right to your your feelings. You are not a burden to other believers. In fact, the New Testament beckons older women to minister to younger women in truth with love. I wish you all the best.
It is awesome that you are growing with God – keep focusing on that and keep walking with Him! To meet a Godly man, you may have to branch out a bit from where you are going now. I hear that a lot of people meet others online, but I really don’t know that much about it. Be sure to know the kind of man you are looking for. No one is perfect, but there are many deal breakers to be on the lookout for. I pray that you are blessed by the One who loves you and that His roadmap for your life is made clear!
Thank you very much foxyRoxy. I honestly do not know anybody I feel comfortable or confident in talking to about my issues. I mostly just quietly take it to the Lord in prayers. I am also mostly okay and do not feel like I’m alone but sometimes the loneliness hits deep when I am going through stress and I need someone to talk to; share my pains and joys with. I try not to always dwell on what I don’t have and he thankful for what I have.
Thank you once again
Welcome to the forum MJO.
I am so sorry to hear that you were the victim of molestation. For a person to take God’s gift of sex and pervert it by victimizing a child is just awful.
I would encourage you to seek out counseling to discuss your feelings about sex and obtain help with seeing sex with your future spouse as something wonderful and beautiful.
I understand its hard to share such intimate feelings but doing so is very important to the healing process. While she does not share a history of molestation you and my wife sound quite similar when it comes to sharing emotions.
In her case my wife is like Spock and struggles to express deep emotions to any but a trusted few. She has recently been involved in counseling and while it was difficult she has started opening up her emotions. This has helped us to understand why she is the way she is and has brought more understanding and connection in our relationship.
As for meeting potential mates I am no dating expert. I just randomly talked to my wife one morning at church and the rest is history. Lol
You said that you are in college but your church seems to be made up of marrieds and older adults. Is there another church in the area that has a college group? If you are attending a major university more than likely there are several church college groups around with single men.