Spouse with chronic pain


My wife suffers from chronic pain due to a car accident several years ago. She has recently had a major increase in her libido, but often the pain weighs on her so she isn’t able to do anything physical even when she wants to. I don’t want to push her because that seems selfish and unloving. Wondering how others deal with this?

Blanket on a secluded beach! Asked on October 5, 2019 in Pain (During or preventing sex).
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4 Answer(s)

    Is she in agreement with you “not pushing on her”? Maybe her need for sexual connection far outweighs any pain. Make sure you aren’t unknowingly robbing her of something she wants and needs.

    Did you know that orgasm can be a pain reliever?

    Have you tried finding the best positions and acts that cause the least amount of pain or discomfort?

    Those are things I would recommend for couples to know and figure out who deal with pain.

    Under the stars Answered on October 5, 2019.
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      Sorry to hear of your difficult situation. I agree with SC.

      Of course you’ll want to be sure to explore these things with your doctor or other therapists. Physiotherapists can help with many of these issues.

      Under the stars Answered on October 5, 2019.
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        I absolutely agree with SC! I have been in a situation of chronic pain, and my DH slipped into a habit of assuming I wouldn’t want sex because he knew I was or had been hurting, when in fact, there were some time when I would have loved for him to seduce me into forgetting my pain.

        Also, look into a type of physical therapy called Counterstrain. I had five years of pain that eluded diagnosis and every treatment I could think to try until my doctor finally sent me to one of the two therapists in the state that practiced that discipline at that time. It was a miracle for me; it’s worth a try.

        Under the stars Answered on October 5, 2019.
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          We’ll have to look into counterstrain.

          I’m hesitant to pressure her very much because for much of our marriage, she was a major gatekeeper about sex. My advances were frequently rebuffed and she would complain that sex was all I wanted from her. While that was far from true, it was the one thing I needed from her that she didn’t generous give. We have talked (especially lately) about the guilt she has felt over not being able to meet that need. I don’t want to add to her feelings of guilt and shame over her body’s limitations, so pressure is a tricky thing. As for orgasm for pain relief, not as much for her. She usually has more back pain after sex, regardless of what position we try. It comes down to how much she wants to ML versus deal with the pain after. Thankfully the answer has been she wants it much more often of late. Praying that continues.

          Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on October 8, 2019.
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