Hi internet strangers. I’ve ventured over here because I suddenly find myself in a touch-less marriage. I’m third trimester pregnant so I suppose that doesn’t help. We’ve been married 11 years and he is saying he is “done wanting it too much” for 10 years. He says he decided to turn it off / give it up. Just like that.
his baseline desire is probably every other day or every day. Mine is once a week, twice at most.
I’ve been mentally reviewing … I really don’t feel I’ve said no often at all except when we are needing to leave soon to go to work, school, meetings etc, which I can’t relax prior to and he sometimes has terrible timing. He hates it when I say yes but can’t relax into it enough to enjoy it equally. He also doesn’t verbalize desire so I am sure I must be missing non-verbal cues. I’ll admit to being dense on this, though unintentionally.
it’s been only a few weeks. The one instance of intercourse recently, he complained I was “forcing him” which isn’t my personality. It was awful.
He did start a half dose of Wellbutrin for depression recently and it appears to be working but now I’m wondering if this is a side effect, though a quick google search makes it seem like not a common side effect.
I’m having a hard time. crying myself to sleep . Feeling unwanted. He thinks therapy is ridiculous and unnecessary. Pregnancy makes me feel super unattractive and positionally awkward. He isn’t Christian so I don’t think I can use theology on him.
any hope for us ? Thanks 🙏
Welcome.Jnm09! You have come to the right place and have already been given some excellent advice. Thank you for your honesty.
You wrote: his baseline desire is probably every other day or every day. Mine is once a week, twice at most. Sister, I would be extremely frustrated if my wife limited our LM to that. YOU are the only woman that God sanctions your husband to enjoy sexually – to have an intimate physical relationship with. Think hard about that. If he has been expressing his need (yes, it’s a need) for more frequent LM for 10 years and once a week, twice at most is carved in stone, it is clear to me from his declaration that he doesn’t think you have heard him. He not only wants more frequency but he also wants for you to experience the intimacy that he craves, not just physical sex. As an unbeliever, he could rationalize extra-marital sex and it is VERY GOOD that so far, he hasn’t. He wants YOU.
I believe that he is desperate and wants you to be as unhappy as he is in the hope that things will change. There is a lot of middle ground between once a week and every day. I get that he asks for sex at inconvenient times which often can’t be accommodated or doesn’t allow enough time for you to get into the mood to enjoy it. It is GOOD that he wants you to enjoy ML. May I suggest that you offer to schedule LM in advance, maybe 2 or 3X per week with allowances for illness, your period etc.? I realize that with a baby on the way it will likely be more difficult to adhere to a schedule, but your offer will mean a lot to him and indicate that you have heard him.
Being vulnerable, even on an anonymous message board, takes courage especially when depressed and emotionally fragile. I am an imperfect husband but have learned from my mistakes and I hope I addressed your issue in the kindest, most supportive way that I know. Prayers for your marriage and your upcoming delivery sister.
It sounds like there is a lot of hurt on both sides. As a wife who used to sexually refuse my husband and was a gatekeeper for much of our marriage, I see a husband who felt misunderstood, robbed, and felt constantly rejected to the very core of his being…. that’s how important a man’s sexuality is to him. I am also one who believed my husbands needs and sexuality ought to mirror mine. So if I could do with sex only once a week, once a month, or even once a year, he ought to be fine and handle it like me as well. It sounds like, and I could be wrong, that your husband could have hit the end of his rope, and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to shut down and shut out.
Have you done some self-reflection to see if there’s been wrong attitudes or actions throughout your marriage, specifically around sex? If so, is there anything there that you need to repent of? Is there anything there that you need to confess, to God and your husband, and then change? Have you asked your husband what some steps are you can take to meet his sexual needs? Are they doable?
Humility, admitting we were wrong and taking responsibility for our part in the situation, and then changing directions to change our wrong choices or behavior can go a long way. It can open doors to further discussions and be the first steps into walking down a new path. If you do this, I have no doubt you will receive more information on what else could be going on. And if you two are both committed to the very hard work of working through this, you’ll start experience affection and togetherness again.
Now’s the time to press into the Lord and seek the Spirit. Allow Him to pierce your heart where He needs and then be willing to humble yourself to repent, confess, and the be obedient to change where the Spirit convicts you. If one changes in the marriage, then the marriage changes. You can’t change you husband, and there are things of yourself that you can’t change either without the help of Christ in you. But the power of the Spirit can do some miraculous changes, and you will see a transformation of your mind and life!
Jnm, I’m not quite sure I understand your situation but I am sorry you are having this problem. Reading your post, the one thought that came to mind is that I have had four children in two marriages, and I found both my wives to be most attractive and desirable during their pregnancies. I can appreciate you may not feel that way at present, but from a man’s point of view that was my experience.
Welcome. I’m glad you found a place to share. That must feel awful right now to be experiencing that while pregnant. I’m sure there will be some females who will come along and offer some thoughts. I will say that most anti-depressant drugs I’ve read about can have negative sexual desire and performance side effects and many times true for depression itself.
It seems I would start there and dig more into the why because the other ideas that come to mind get uglier and I would want to suggest starting there and going to see a professional Christian counselor before walking down any other road, especially with your pregnancy.
Has there been any other changes or unexplained behavior/activities?
I am so sorry for your situation. You will find a lot of advice, empathy and sympathy here. Even if your DH does not want to go to counseling, you could. Also, you mentioned he is not a Christian. Are you? Because your burden is heavy and God cares more than anyone out there. Pour your heart out to Him, pray daily for the salvation of your DH and for the safety of your baby. Are there people at church you can talk to for support during this time? I agree with NWNL, that your DH depression might be the sole reason for his behavior. But, depression is a tough nut to crack and meds are not the only solution.
Sorry to hear of your sad situation. Yes, there is hope as we pray and trust God!
Does he understand that things are different for you during pregnancy?
You’ll need a talk about what he means by saying – he is “done wanting it too much” for 10 years.
I am saddened to hear about this situation, which must be especially painful while pregnant. It is also unfortunate that you are unequally yoked, and that only complicates possible routes to remedying this.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you both may have communication issues. Do you think that is a fair statement?
Another big thing that might be involved for your apparent lack of libido (relative to him) is responsive desire. Are you familiar with that? If not, consider reading and/or listening about it from the below links. Learning about responsive desire really changed our MB in a positive way.
Responsive Desire is a Blessing (podcast)
Spontaneous Desire is a Blessing (podcast)