Thanksgiving weekend. With overnight guests in your home or when staying in someone else’s home, do you check your sexual dreams at the door?
Many of us will have overnight guests in our homes for the holiday, others will be overnight guests in someone else’s home. Do you write off any possibility of sex with your spouse for these days, believing that you’ll just have to wait until everyone clears out or you get home? We have five extra family members in our home for four nights this Thanksgiving; some years, we’ve had more. My wife and I are on different pages here. You can probably guess who thinks what. What are your thoughts? Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night.
As one who can feel burdened with sex during these kind of times, I often wish my husband would check his sexual dreams at the door. So I do want to acknowledge that you husbands (and wives) who do, that your choice to want to ease your wife (or husband) is an act of love and selflessness. I know my husband did that for years, but it was more of a “choice” imposed upon him by me.
For me, energy is a precious commodity. Under “normal” circumstances I have learned how much to save in order to have and give some to my husband and sex. When adding extra people, extra responsibility, extra work, extra talking and extra travels into the mix, that taps into any extra energy source I have. Therefore, the “normal” energy I have to give my husband and to sex, is compromised and I run low. That’s why I have to go to “maintenance mode” and do what takes as little amount of energy as possible, and yet still provide what my husband needs. I have compared this to what Jesus said about the widow’s mite, “for they all out of their surplus put into the offering; but she out of her poverty put in all that she had to live on.” My husband and sex is given out of his surplus, for me, I am putting in “all that I have”. It seems like much less in comparison, but the sacrifice is much greater.
I know some don’t fully agree with the way I accommodate my own husband. Here is what I have learned in our relationship/situation. When we are in these times that my focus is ten different directions, where I am busy with others, my husband feels that disconnect between us…I don’t know if these are the right words but it feels as if he becomes more insecure and needy.. He needs that reconnection even stronger and his desire ramps up, because our nights (or mornings) are what gives him that peace, that “it is well” with us and that oneness feeling. I believe he has that internal desire to know he’s my #1 and I would choose him over every other person and circumstance vying for my attention (which I have not done well with in the past.) Because I know that his needs actually go up in these times, it seems very unloving on my part to not do my own part, no matter how I feel. “Maintenace mode” is that compromise. I look for times that I will have more energy and can focus better… more mornings or even the middle of the nights (if I can’t sleep) become a higher probability and I initiate those, because only I know when I have that energy. I have also learned that when I am totally depleted, to communicate that as well. I have changed my ways in order to accomodate my husband and our sexual relationship….I don’t always stay up as late. I have been fine with taking on the reputation of “being old” and needing “to go to bed early”, even though I actually am not going to sleep for another 2-3 hours 😉
We usually make love regardless of visiting, having visitors in the house as long as we have our own room. We are married and regular sex is a natural part of marriage… Although we keep it quiet if there’s a risk of being overheard… We’ve actually had a few of the better LM sessions while visiting relatives…
At home , we go for it. On the road, it depends on where we are, the accommodations, length of stay, etc. I always want to “christen/defile” the room, especially in her old house and bedroom. DW, not always. Sometimes she’d rather have a quickie or OS in the bathroom that fully utilize the bedroom.
My sympathies, LiefP, since DH and I are on the same different pages you are on, but I am on your page and DH is on your wife’s. If you read some of the older threads, I shared a story of a pivotal event where I was able to convince him to behave out of his comfort zone, with lasting positive results. He does try to relax, for me, but he is just way more uptight about exposing our activities than I am. Not sure if it is because he is the next thing to a PK, or because of the tradition in my family of threatening new boyfriends with the tool used to dock lambs, or just his natural reticence. Whatever the case, we are fortunate to very seldom have overnight guests and even less frequently stay at someone else’s home!
We’ve done well(quietly) while visiting others in the past. I think traveling removes many of the distractions(work) my wife always has at home. Haven’t tried it while hosting. There is a lot of stress and work involved with hosting so I’ve tried to be understanding and not pushed it. Would be different if my DW was HD or really sex positive. She’s usually willing but her LD and responsive only character would likely make sex while hosting feel forced or especially burdensome.
We are on different pages too. Wifey is terrified someone will hear us and the added stress of the holidays makes it harder for her to get her mind in the right space for sex. For me, being well rested and spending more time with Wifey causes my desire for the intimacy and closeness of sex to accelerate. Weekends, holidays, and vacations are all hard for me.
Most of our family is local so we rarely have overnight guests or stay overnight, but when we have we will still ML quietly if we have enough privacy, like our own room. Even if our younger son is sleeping in our room at a relatives we have found a way quietly under the covers to still do it.