The Facets Of Sex

    Do not know if the category is correct but I am single.

    Quick update on who I am and what is going on with me for context. I am a single 21 year old male who has never been in a relationship, kissed, or held hands with a woman (I had a slightly intimate/warm hug once). I started watching porn when I was 11 and have had short 2-3 month breaks from it probably 3 times since that start. I was battling with it for a while recently, but have started using it again daily with an occasional skipped day every now and then.

    The porn consumption, ever since I was 14 and first wondered why the women make the noises they make (researching orgasms), has always made me ask questions. Recently, I have been coming back to something that I find myself thinking on throughout the day most days. The amped up ridiculousness of porn has always made me wonder what the point of sex is, in the sense of its purpose in an intimate relationship.

    My question is this. Is sex a communication tool, and if so, how important is it? What do you communicate?

    I personally believe (for my own sanity) that it could be an extremely powerful tool to communicate emotions. We always associate sex with a specific emotion, passion and love, but I feel like it can be used to communicate other emotions on a deeper level. Despite the porn, I often times feel a greater desire to express passion and my own frustrations through sex, rather than pursuing sex to satisfy my baser sexual desire. To me, the sexual desire is a surface level initiator, whereas the emotions that would drive me to trust someone with that surface desire would lead them to something much deeper in myself, and hopefully to something deeper in the partner as well. From that perspective, I would think that sex is an extremely powerful and profound communication tool.

    Sorry if this makes no sense, please say so and critique what I said for errors and communicate that so that we may open a thorough dialogue, thank you.

    Sincerely,
    TheStateOfThings

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    5 Answer(s)

      So far, the men have warned you about porn, and the ladies have tried to broach the communication subject – not surprisingly either way. There is something to be learned just from that.

      Assuming you are as sexually naive as you say, I’ll go for both. Not to be harsh, but let me be blunt – you literally have no idea what you’re talking about. Let me explain. You have been taking lessons from Satan about something God designed.
      The full depth of the communication in the marriage bed is spiritual. You cannot learn the spiritual from the carnal. And the hardest truth is once you buy the lie, it’s HARD to get rid of it. I am so sorry that you have not had the kind of education that glorifies God in this area. I didn’t either. I’m not speaking from on high here. I was like you, though I didn’t last till 21. But the damage of the carnal education of pornography lasted years.

      Yes, sex is communicative in a marriage, but not in the way porn portrays it. Real women are not like “real porn”. Neither are real men. Many focus on the women’s role in porn, and they are the “stars”, because it is designed for male consumption – mostly. But the biggest liars in porn are the male actors. And men, as the audience, are the most damaged. I’ll not get into the damage done to female actors, but it’s appalling as well. And there is no such thing as “real porn.” I know….I’ve seen most all of it. I know about all the choices, all the claims. Marketing is all that is. Marketing a lie and marketing sin. And it all sells. None of it educates in the true skills of marriage or Godly sexual relations. NONE OF IT!

      You have focused on the female responses you see and hear in porn. That is not by accident and it is not an indication of your observational skills. It is simply proof that pornographers know how to market and you have bought the product. You mentioned the “amped up nature” of porn. It’s good you noticed that. But did it give you an erection? Sure it did. It did it’s job. You bought the product. Don’t sell your soul.

      Here’s the truth. If it be in God’s plan for you to find a wife one day, you have no idea how she will react to sex. NONE. ZERO. Are you gonna be disappointed? Pleasantly surprised? Will you suddenly believe there’s something wrong with her? Wrong with you? All because the only comparison you have came from Satan? Yes. That is what will happen. It’s a fool’s errand. Don’t be that fool. Don’t set yourself up for failure and pain, and don’t set your precious bride up for the same one day.

      I have a son that’s a couple years older than you. I’ve told him these things and will tell him again. I’ve told him I promise when the time is right I will share with him the best of my knowledge in how to sexually communicate with his wife. It’s not physical. That’s not where it starts, or ends. That’s almost impossible for a male that rages in hormonal erections almost hourly to understand. I know that too. But I cannot overemphasize – porn will screw up your mind son! There is nothing good to learn there. There is nothing that will make you a better husband or lover there. If you desire to learn the inner workings of the sexual engine, the nuts and bolts so to speak, there are places and ways to do that that are honorable. I would hope it would be your parents, but that is too often not the case. This forum can be very good, but no one here is perfect either. But it’s a much better place to start than anything porn has to offer. If you desire to know how a female works, there are some ladies here with soft, loving hearts who would love nothing better than the opportunity to share with a young man seeking to learn. You will soon find that they are all different. Often even opposites in areas that porn would homogenize. Some are wounded. Some are fierce. Some are selfish. Some are generous. Some are all these things in different areas. Your wife will have her own uniqueness. What’s most important for you to learn at this time is not how to drive the car, or work on the engine, but learn the purpose of the road. Because you never know what kind of car you’re gonna get.

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on June 14, 2020.

      This is most excellent, full of wisdom.

      on June 14, 2020.
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        My question is this. Is sex a communication tool, and if so, how important is it? What do you communicate?

        I feel like your questions were missed or ignored because people got hung up on the “porn” aspect.  I don’t know that my answer will be quite what you are looking for either, but yes, I believe sex is often a communication tool.  I believe we see that message over and over on here and throughout the Christian marriage/sex blogosphere….especially from the men/husbands.    We often see the side of the message husbands get from the “communication” received of NOT having sex…. they aren’t loved, they aren’t desired, they aren’t wanted, they are rejected and often feel emasculated, etc.

        For me personally, my greatest communication I give is around love for my husband.  I often do what I do because I do want to communicate that I love him and I want him to feel wanted and accepted.  There are times that I desire to communicate that I even like him and I want to have fun with him.   There is a communication of receiving him and who he is, and accepting him and his offers of his own communications.

        We also can often see and experience mis-communications…. such as being only wanted for sex and feeling used, or only being wanted to produce children, etc.

        Under the stars Answered on June 13, 2020.
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          For your own sake, stop using porn.

          Sex is the consummation of marriage, and is literally the thing that makes marriage the one flesh union.

          On the floor Answered on June 13, 2020.
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            Porn retires the brain to respond to a 2D image, it desensitizes the viewer to real people and emotions, and it usually objectifies  women to be men’s personal play toys and it only to be about a physical act.  By continuing to use it, you will make it harder on yourself to have a healthy sexual relationship with a women which I’m assuming you want and as a Christian, it is outside the boundaries God gives us for sex and marriage.

            In light of that, why would you want to do that to yourself, your relationship with God, and your future?

            Under the stars Answered on June 13, 2020.
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              “My question is this. Is sex a communication tool, and if so, how important is it? What do you communicate?”

              I won’t reiterate the warning against porn, because it sounds to me like you have been using it as a sort of sex-ed more than titillation and you have been well warned of the dangers it can pose. Now that you have found TMB, you won’t need it for education any more. 😉

              The short answer is yes, sex is for communication (among other things), it is EXTREMELY important (though if not available within God’s commands, it can be done without), and when married people have sex they communicate everything through sex. Not that they only communicate through sex, but the simple fact that you and your spouse are the only two people privy to this particular mode of communication means that you speak volumes to each other when you engage. As you said, you communicate much more than passion or love; you express things like trust, adoration, caring, respect, tenderness, commitment, and even humor. (This is also another reason porn is such a sham; there’s no one with whom to have a conversation.) Sex is all about connection, which is another word for communication.

              Welcome to the board and I wish you the very best in your efforts to live a Godly single life and in ditching the porn. Also praying for you to eventually find the mate God has for you with whom to enjoy his wonderful gift of this deep and beautiful form of communication and so much more.

              Under the stars Answered on June 13, 2020.

              Fascinating. When you said,

              “Not that they only communicate through sex, but the simple fact that you and your spouse are the only two people privy to this particular mode of communication means that you speak volumes to each other when you engage.”

              A thought popped into my head. I have been taking a course in dog training recently and was surprised to find that the trainer (former Navy SEAL Mike Ritland) advises against offering any corrections of any sort in the first 2-3 months. In this time period he stresses the importance of engagement. Basically engagement to a dog is lots of eye contact, slow affectionate petting, and clicker treat training to reinforce eye contact.
              Now I thought about the posts I have read about wives being uninterested in sex, basically they are not engaging the husband in any meaningful way to communicate a message to him that the sex is being mutually shared in. I know I’m going off the trail here but I have to explore this real quick.
              Maybe the solution is not for the wife to engage in sex (although I’m sure it couldn’t hurt) but for the husband to engage her in the type of communication SeekingChange talked about, ie affection, listening, and trustworthy leadership (I don’t think she mentioned that last one)?

              One of the things that bothers me about that is it makes it sound like men are only capable of communicating their feelings by physical means. Whereas that does sound like how I would try to communicate it, I would have to disagree that it’s the only way I would try to communicate it. Or that it would even be the most profound way to communicate my feelings.

              I still have question on this topic, but I plan to post follow up questions to this topic as well (I will focus less on my own situation as it seems to distract from the conversation). I do not believe that this question has a end all be all answer, except answering with a simple yes… but that would be boring.
              Thank you for the reply, you have given me much to think on.

              on June 13, 2020.
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