the struggle to be true
As I struggle to honor my DW’s wishes to be more straight forward and honest with her about my feelings and desires in a more timely manner, I seem to keep hitting what seems like catch 22 situations that I don’t know how to handle. Though I have had some recent successes, and really good outcomes, I still hit these traps. So what else to do but ask the group? After all, Pro 15:22 “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.”
Case in point: I got up this morning in a great mood, goat horney and confident. We had a good night before and I saw no barriers other than I thought it wise enough to allow DW some time to wake up and get some of her initial routine done before I said anything because history has taught that she is driven if nothing else. I watched the clock and saw there was sufficient time. So I moved in with a plan and a line in mind. When I reached out to hug her and make my move, I could tell something wasn’t right. So I just asked “something bothering you?” She denied it at first, but then said she was just mopey because of having to go into work on a dreary Saturday, she’d rather still be rolling around in bed.” I almost took that and ran with it, but her dour mood kept me from it. I just hugged her and said “I’m sorry.” From that point on I was frustrated and torn. On the whole, I think I did the right thing. But I also know I wasn’t fully open with her nor did I share my desires in a timely manner (which was right then.) So I felt I was sensitive and yet failed at the same time. I was quiet for a few minutes as I wrangled with this in my mind. Kinda gritting my teeth, but she was getting dressed and didn’t notice. I gathered myself and changed the subject to move forward. As far as I know, she never knew the difference. She left still in her dour mood and now I am trying to figure out how to not let this hang around in the negative column. I guess I am mostly over that part. But what I struggle with is I feel like I was not true to her or myself, but I was trying to be the best I could be at the same time.
Any suggestions to how I might have handled it differently?
I also want it to be known I don’t hold anything against her in this situation. Fact is we had sex last night, and that is part of the reason I felt so amourous this morning. That is often the situation with me when we have sex after a few days off (three I think in this case), especially at night, the next morning I am energized and wanting more. So I thought I would embrace that feeling this morning and make something happen on my terms – but, alas, not to be. It does sadden me a little, and frustrated me at the moment. But I’m not angry at or complaining about her at all. This is about me.
Thank you –
Brother I actually think you handled it quite well. With her mood being what it was, I think an advance for sex might have felt burdensome towards her and only furthered her struggle. I am all about being honest, but I also know there are times when we need to use wisdom to read our spouse and not create any undue stress. Maybe at some point tonight or later you can express how you felt when you woke up and see what her thoughts were/are. Have a great day!
Been there, done that and totally understand.
You asked for suggestions? How about acknowledge and empathize with her feelings…and then tell her your feelings and ask if she’d be open for something? Or open for a quickie?
If she says no, at least you got your answer and you’d still have to deal with the “no” but if she says, “yes”, you’ve got your connection time with her and felt loved by her.
I think you did the loving and mature thing…you put her feelings above your own. No shame in that. I wasn’t there so please take my idea with a huge grain of salt. 😊
As a wife, here is how I would have wanted it to play out:
While your holding her in your arms, tell her how deeply you love her. What a wonderful employee she is. How much you will miss her today while she’s gone. Rub her back and hold her tight and long.
Then ask her if there is anything you could do to help her. Can I tick something off the to-do list for you or make you breakfast or dinner tonight? I’d be happy to take you back to bed and kiss away all your stress, if you want! 😉 Just name it!
I know I would not have been easily persuaded when I was a gatekeeper so perhaps nothing you said or did would ease her mood, but I think all women (and men) love to be cherished and appreciated. You can’t go wrong lavishing love on her, the way God the Father does!
And that’s fine too how you handled it if you felt it was in the best interest of your relationship today as KFunk & MoreBlessed mentioned.
At the same time, sometimes changing the relational dynamic means at least one of us or even both my wife and I, have to feel uncomfortable and that isn’t bad if it helps a situation change. Dr. Corey Allen asks, if a child or spouse is acting immaturely, why shouldn’t they be allowed to feel uncomfortable? Isn’t that how we can grow? We tear our muscles down via exercise in order to build muscle. It’s the same principle relationally but sometimes we try to keep the peace so badly with our children or spouse, we don’t allow a lack of comfort or even pain to get their attention of them.
I’m not saying what you should or shouldn’t have done in this situation, I’m just walking through the issue for us all to keep in mind.
We don’t always have to share something – in this case sharing would have been a burden to her already hard morning. One can take the leadership road by recognizing this and moving forward accordingly.
Had the morning been different, your plan may have been a blessing, but this was the morning you had to work with. I think you sacrificed and did well.
I don’t see how you weren’t true to yourself – it is the difference between being afraid to share your feelings -vs- being able to at the right moment which may include also not at the right moment.
I would have done the same thing – adapt to the morning – and see what can develop later in the day.
Last night worked out none better. After our guests departed and we both had a little time to ourselves piddling around the house, evening came and things started to relax. I was on the couch with her and decided it was time to go to town. So I made a made physical contact and immediately got “STOP! Don’t roust me. I was about to go to sleep. I’m going to bed!”
And that was it. She just unceremoniously walked out.
She had a bad day all around I guess. While our guests were there she had gotten into a little squabble with her OVER-sensitive mom over text. She had to leave to call her. I think that got to her more than she let on. I thought letting her alone for a few hours would de-compress her…..apparently not. (This incident also illustrates a characteristic of my DW – she wants everyone to be sensitive to her, but despises “over-sensitivity” in others. Basically she gets to do and say what’s she wants and no one is supposed to be offended because you’re supposed to already know she’s perfect and means no offense. This is where her narcissistic tendencies come out.)
What I am left with now, and this seems to be the case the majority of the time, is to wait on her to re-engage. She’s smart enough to know that I am over here waiting – IF she were paying attention. But usually she isn’t. That’s where the whole “Be more open and timely sharing your desires” thing started (she realizes her own blindness) and the constant dilemma I find myself in. If I have to constantly be hitting her up, then I appear needy. If I say nothing, I start feeling needy. If I wait for her, I get resentful.
Do I go now and share with her what’s been going on in my head? Do I tell her “I don’t know if you realize, but I’ve been trying to get close to you since yesterday morning. I was having sexual thoughts ALL day yesterday. I tried again last night, after I knew you needed time to work out the mom situation, then I got cut off at my first contact.” – that all just sounds whiny. But it is also along the lines of what she has asked me to do.
Somewhere between NWNL and sd595 is where I think I need to land. I will readily admit one of the problems I have is not wanting to upset her or make her uncomfortable. So I tend to let her have her way. After all, I’m a “pleaser”, it’s what we do. But I also know it is not the most healthy. I also know she is much like SC’s #4 illogical trait of women – says she wants to be led yet balks at every attempt.
BUT – you know, it’s hard to get hard knowing you’re gonna get rebuffed in some fashion, and maybe even in harsh fashion. Certainly so after it’s just happened. So it’s hard to ‘take the bull by the horns’ and force the issue. I mean, literally, what am I gonna force it with? A wet noodle!? I’m sitting here at this moment thinking I could go in there right now, inform her we’re going to have sex, insist she stop whatever she’s doing (sipping coffee and tablet playing) and comply. I’m not scared of her. Maybe that’s what’s needed – but I’ve got no heart for it, and therefore no erection for it either. But sitting here getting frustrated ain’t the answer. I can see no good answer. But I know if I do nothing, the same tired, frustrating cycle of me waiting on her will continue. Do I go in there and assert myself anyway, hoping I can rise to the occasion? What if it doesn’t? Then I gotta ask for some help….poor little me, can’t get a woody…. @##$&!
How do I extricate myself from this trap?
This is one of those “(sex please) hint* wink, wink” moments, when we husbands want to have sex and think she wants it too, but reality is that she is fatigued or her mind is full of other thoughts, etc
Thankfully you are not in sex-starvation like I am with a week or more between sexual releases.
I stopped hinting and pawing a few years ago and just came out and asked (100% failure rate) and now she is often repulsed by me and uses many excuses especially the one “your hands are so hot, can you cool them in ice or something?”