This being an anonymous site, how much information is appropriate to give & request?
Being new to this site, I am curious as to how much info is too much? I am more curious about a woman’s perspective on all things sexual (hoping to get a better grasp on what makes my wife tick) than a man’s opinion. I have been at this sex thing all my life – 37 as a non-believer and 27 as a believer – so I have a pretty good idea of what men think. I also know “A man’s got to know his limitations” (Dirty Harry), so input from women helps me to work within said limitations…
There are ways to ask and seek information in an informative way, and also in a titillating way. Because this is for Christians, our heart ought to be love and not to cause another to stumble. IMO, it’s best to always frame our questions and our answers in an informative manner, rather than in a titillating manner. For example, using proper words to describe parts rather than slang. Not giving excessive detail that is not beneficial for the understanding of a situation.
That being said, this may be the only safe place for some of us to seek answers and to find understanding. Therefore, feel free to ask anything. Each one of us has the choice to NOT answer a question we feel is too personal. Each one of us can choose not to support and participate in a thread we feel is for titillating purposes, rather it’s for the posters own titillation or trying to stir it up in others. If any of us gets a red flag and feels a certain poster has crossed an inappropriate line, we ought to report them to the “board czar”, aka Dale, so he can put them on his radar and take appropriate action.
I, personally, am very open to sharing my experience and opinions if I feel it is helpful to another. I have no problem being asked direct and personal questions…. again if it feels too personal, all I have to do is say so. To me, this is all pretty technical. I read, interpret, and share in what I feel is a logical manner, filtering all through what gives glory to God.
This is an important question. I think the answer depends heavily on the individual and your spouse.
I’m also relatively new here. I do tend to share more than the average bear but thought I was staying within what DW would find acceptable. She knew I was on here but didn’t ask many questions. But yesterday, something popped up in a PM that caught me off guard, so I called her up to talk about it. She was pretty concerned, so last night I let her read my activity on this site, and it’s very clear that I crossed her boundaries. Not just that, but as a low-drive wife, some of my comments have really hurt her (they often do not know how much high drives think about and desire sex). As such, we’re having to do a total re-evaluation of how I’m sharing on here, and I could potentially stop coming at all. For now, I have stopped all PM activity and am only posting answers on very impersonal topics.
Moral of the story: make sure what you’re sharing is okay with your spouse!
*Note: I do want to point out that I do not think the person who I was PMing with did anything wrong. The “off guard” thing was simply a geography revelation that threw me for a loop (having never encountered a situation like this in 20 yr online). I hold no ill will towards the PMer, fully accept all blame (if there is any), and hope I can continue to be a part of this community. However, my family means the world to me, and if the best thing for us is to discontinue my activity here, then that will be the choice.
I like and appreciate the anonymity of TMB. I have only talked a little bit about sex with my sister, and even then I held back details. The privacy of this group is great for being able to ask questions and discuss topics that you wouldn’t want people to find out in “real life”.
That’s a good point to consider @Scott.
Here’s another reality that needs to be used to find a balance…. because a spouse doesn’t want their behavior or sin exposed, there are many who would refuse to reach out for help whether it’s to a pastor, a counselor, or an online forum. There are many spouses who will refuse to bless their spouse from seeking support, because of their own pride and they don’t want to look bad nor be told they are wrong. That is why we find so many people trapped in the misery of silence because they have no one they can talk to because their spouse wouldn’t be “okay with” it…. and some, if their spouse would find out, will have a price to pay.
I am not saying that is your situation personally, because it has been quite apparent you and your wife are working on things together. But there have been many husbands who have passed through TMB, with no blessing from their wives, and even knowing she would be against it, because they are desperate for help. They are desperate for some kind of answers, encouragement, hope, and support. Just to know they aren’t alone gives them strength. This could fall into the “self-care” that has been addressed in The Generous Husband the past few days.
Each person ought to use wisdom in their choices, always. A spouses blessing is ideal, but that’s not the reality for all.
Anonymous forums guidelines (ergo TMB) discourage user names and profile information that can be triangulated to a particular IRL person. In our responses, we ought to be respectful of spouses, family, and friends. We also must be careful not to share PII about ourself or someone else. This is for privacy and safety reasons.
It’s funny to me that this question comes up when I have a post planned that will be very personal for me. I have alluded to it before, but have never out and out said it. On the other hand, besides this and a few other select matters, I don’t hold back much of anything. I am just a naturally honest and forthcoming person, but also a writer and enjoy telling stories. I have to remind myself to avoid TMI and I am sure there are times I over-share.
As to the planned post I mentioned, I have gotten behind on the posts and one of my quirks is a need to do things in chronological order. Not that I don’t ever break that pattern, but eventually I have to catch up before I can feel comfortable posting.