This might apply to husbands although i’m asking wives
What would you do if your husband approached you for sex after a heated argument that there hasn’t really been a resolution to yet?
I would probably submit unless it was really bad but i know that i would not be as responsive for sure and i would not feel guilty about that at all, especially since there wasn’t really a resolution, just probably a mutual silent agreement to file it.
I have had various responses. It probably depends on how recent that heated argument was. If I am still pretty heated, I address it head on… “Are you really approaching me for this, after [that]?”, especially if there’s been no real effort to reconciliation.
If he has tried to reconcile, and it’s now just me trying to work through my own emotions, then I would likely do what you said. I would continue on, but there definitely would be some disconnect in the encounter. Those are the times it feels like all they really want is sex, but I can logically see that he may be desperately trying to get an emotional connection to be reassured all is well…. which ironically is the very reason I would be tempted to refuse, because I don’t want him to falsely believe “all is well.”
My question is does he know you feel it hasn’t been resolved? I have had the same problem myself, though not for a long time. DH will not initiate anymore, if he feels or notices I’m still upset. Often in his mind, the matter has either been forgotten or he can’t figure out what is making me upset. Therefore, he isn’t upset so there isn’t a problem.
I have asked him what makes him think I want sex with him after what happened. And he has honestly forgotten the whole thing. Or he will ask me why I am so silent, because he is clueless.
I’ve also asked him how we could pray together when, in my mind, there was still a big unresolved thing. His answer always is that he isn’t angry and what better way to help the situation than to pray together. My idea is how can we pray together if I am still furious and he pretends/doesn’t know whats wrong.
I have rather started asking him if he was happy with how things were and if he felt everything was in order between us. Than he had to admit it wasn’t. The biggest thing I have learned is to share exactly how I feel about what happened, but BEFORE the subject of sex comes up and hopefully before its even in the picture.
Yes, dear wife would be the same and I’ll add that after we’ve had a “blowup” she’ll usually want to make love as a part of reconnecting.
With that said, personally, I need more time to sometimes process things, to understand my feelings, etc so while I’m a man & husband, it’ll sometimes take me longer. So while I may have forgiven my DW for whatever had gone down, I sometimes need a little more time to process the situation (my feelings, why it bothered me. etc) and then express that. I guess to be understood better. There have been a few times where my DW has wanted to make love and I’m not ready to because I need to express process and/or express my feelings first rather than reconnect physically, WHICH has then sometimes caused more problems and hurt because she felt rejected for making an advance and me saying, “No, I’m not ready to got there until I process & get this out.” Of course, after going through this, we definitely feel closer…intimate…and ready to connect physically.
It has rarely happened to us either way.
But, I would ask, “Do you think this will make things better for both of us?”
And, “From now on, do you think it will be good to fix all of our problems this way?”
Or, “How about we talk about this first.”
When I’ve been there it’s really hard to get really hard, and it’s very easy to lose it too, so PIV is quite challenging in that situation. She wouldn’t approach me for sex after an argument, but they have happened prior to planned intimacy and we proceeded as planned regardless.
Seeking an emotional connection through sex after a heated argument seems to me like a male thing to do. We feel connected through sex. Also, sexual desire and ‘pressure’ for men, especially young men, doesn’t go away because of an argument.
And it does feel unfair to a man if, from his perspective, the wife gets all upset for no good reason, then cuts him off from sex to get back at him for her getting upset for no good reason.
If it hasn’t been resolved then he’s asking for the wrong reason. Scripture says not to let the sun go down on your anger. If he wants sex without taking care of the issue at hand then he doesn’t have you in mind, only himself and it’s selfish. and that’s never a good thing for LM.