Today’s Question(s) of the Day for 10/08/2019
We just discussed this yesterday. For me it helps that DH sends me texts throughout the day. I never asked for this, he’s just always done so. I’m a quality time person, so it lifts me up that I’m on his mind when we’re apart. Sometimes it’s racy stuff, sometimes benign, but either way it helps the connection.
This idea of him doing something to make me excited about sex later, is a foreign idea to me. I have a fairly small window in our 25 years, that I got a taste of this excitement you speak of. I don’t know if he can do anything to get me there, but he definitely can do things to kill the chance of me getting there.
The only thing I have really been able to pinpoint that I need from my husband to help feed our relationship into health is his presence and availability. He has to be around and available for there to be any chance of me opening any door or window into greater intimacy (and I am not speaking of sex.)
I realize that I am often the odd man out on TMB, or at least that’s how it feels, but I would guess not so much the odd one if we pooled all the represented marriages together, with the absentee wives. But, my excitement about sex, ultimately falls onto me. It’s about my limitations and freedoms, it’s about my choices, and what I choose to think about and invest energy into. My husband’s choices can affect my efforts and prioritizing…..if he is neglecting me, of course I am not going to work at being excited about sex…. but for those husbands who are trying and doing everything they can to love their wives well, don’t shoulder a blame of something that is ultimately on your wife. But don’t shame her either, more than likely she is blind and ignorant of this truth.
There is nothing my husband could do during the day that would make me excited about having sex with him, although I am willing to have sex with him. I’d have to experience him as a potential lover in order to desire or be excited about sex. I wish it were different.
Flirty and/or sexy texts, calls to say he loves me, letting me know he is aroused thinking about me. That last one is a huge turn-on and lets me know that I am far less likely to get all worked up only to be disappointed by his coming home tired and falling asleep before bedtime. Then when he gets home, staying engaged with me rather than allowing both of us to settle into ingrained routines of plopping on the couch with our computers on our laps (even to post on TMB 😉 ). Also, the primary thing is just letting me know that he will be home (not working late, at church, or stopping off at his parents), available (not working from home or mowing or something) and has enough energy and interest to make it all the way to bedtime.
I think I would have to make some distinctions, and place my desire on a sliding scale, to really answer the question.
On the low end, would obviously be not thinking about, or desiring sex at all, and I think that the far end would be “excited about” Other markers on the scale might be willing to, hungry for, and many other shades of in between.
Using that scale as a reference, I can’t think of much she could do to make me excited for. I suppose my own expectations have taken me to that end of the scale on occasion, and to be honest, the results seldom meet my expectations, and more often than not, I am let down completely.
I don’t doubt that there are things that she could do that might lead me in that direction, but I don’t really know what they would be. In a general sense, I think they would be DW being suggestive but at the same time, they would have to be unambiguous, because she often sends signals that I take to be a yes, and later turn into something else.
On the other hand, sometimes I get totally surprised by her generosity, which I suppose is enough to keep me excited. The randomness of her interest is something of a mystery to me.
Well, last week it was a sexy & flirty txt w/a couple pics that made very clear her intention and desire. Yesterday it was some lingering passionate kisses as we passed each other at a child’s game (she was coming from school, me going back to work) and then she sent me a txt later when I was finishing up at work, asking when I’d be home and said, “I’ll be the one waiting in our bed naked”. Like others said, flirty, innuendo, undresses in front of me, kisses me long and hard.
For her, it’s thoughtful texts or a call in the middle of the day… good conversation about personal/emotional stuff (beyond calendar, news, weather, kids, etc).