Trying to interim plan/push issue

    I was trying to be nice and follow everybody’s advice to respect my wife and get her on board before doing anything permanent, and now we have an accident on the way (barring a miscarriage). This can have a significant negative effect on the marriage relationship, I suspect it might be worse than if I just went and had it done when I first brought it up to her 2 years ago. It’s not as though there was any risk to her.

    Shortly before announcing that she was pregnant she hinted that she was OK with the vasectomy, but said it would need to be done right away over Christmas (well, not the best time to get a rush appointment…) Now no more talk (officially her reasoning is “because you would be hurting during the recovery…”). I’m not sure quite what to do from here, On one hand I have plenty of evidence (including a baby on the way) that I am not strong willed enough to tell her that I am not going to touch her until things are hammered out and taken care of permanently (even since this all came out, when you’d think I would be able to control myself), but on the other hand I know that my moving to the spare bedroom would make her unhappy (even though I should have done it when I thought of it back in September).

    I’m a little concerned and want to have this taken care of because she doesn’t seem to be any too upset by this, other than the fact that surprise, suprise I’m not jumping with joy at the prospect of putting her at risk and spending lots of money in order to have my life ruined for the next 20 years, so I’m a bit worried about having the cycle repeat itself.

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      I know when our plans don’t go the way we want, it can be frustrating and make us angry, but let’s put things in proper perspective first….1) God is absolutely sovereign and He has a plan, for you, your marriage and this baby, or he/she would have never been created.  And God’s plan is good.  2) Also, children are a blessing, whether planned by you or not, they were planned by the heavenly Father.  3)  In every trial or circumstance in our marriages, we have the choice to let it brings us together or tear us apart.  If you let this tear you apart, that is on you….not God, not this pregnancy or child.

      It doesn’t make sense to me why you are talking of moving into another room?  Why now?  It sounds to me like you have the prime opportunity, nine months even, to talk and get things worked out and even acted upon with no more stress of a “potential accident.”

      Under the stars Answered on December 24, 2019.
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        1. Biblically, we are not to deny marital relations except for prayer and even then it’s to be for a brief time. I know right now you’re hurting and shocked, but moving into the spare room would not have been worth it. I had to move out of my house for a time for medical reasons, and sex still happened. So you’d have sex, plus the strain of separate bedrooms. Please don’t beat yourself up about staying in your room. It was the right choice and might not have affected the outcome.

        2. You seem to be dealing with a lot of shock right now, and that’s normal. Even planned pregnancies are filled with uncertainty. Unplanned ones can leave you reeling. Please remember that God is sovereign, and that He will guide you through this as He has faithfully done for others in your situation.

        3. You now have 9 months to work this out with your wife. She may decide during that time, or in the postpartum, that she is done. The older we are, the harder pregnancy becomes for us.

        4. I see so much love between the two of you in your post. Your concern for the risks to her (which really are minimal given modern medicine) mirrors her concern about your recovery pain (also lessened by modern meds). Perhaps that is where you open the conversation. I know there are exceptions, but it seems to me that the pain of vasectomy recovery does not match up with the pain and discomfort of the 9-11 months of pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum. Perhaps lovingly suggest that after what she’s been through, it is now your turn.

        On the floor Answered on December 24, 2019.
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          The only advice I have is please not call this pregnancy/ baby an accident. I don’t believe any baby is ever an accident. We also had an unexpected one and that child is an absolute delight to everyone we meet.

          On the floor Answered on December 24, 2019.

          Ok, I can’t edit on my phone, but also meamt to say our baby was born during a dark time in our lives and has brought much joy and happiness to us, as well. We never regretted or doubted for a moment. That baby was meant to be!

          on December 24, 2019.
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            @seekingchange, I’m pretty sure if the Psalmist had teenagers at the time, he wouldn’t have wrote that. I believe Satan was probably between 13-17 when he rebelled from God. Sorry for my humor but I’m on my 2nd set of teens and my wife/their mother is ready to punt her girls and cancel Cmas this year. 😳🤣😟

            Regarding the OP, clearly emotions are high in your house AND UNDERSTANDABLY so. My wife asked when we got married (39 & 50) what would I do if we had an accident, I said cry. She said she’d love to have my baby…BUT 2 yrs later, she said she’d cry now to because it’s overwhelming. SC is correct that you have time. No one’s saying stop, it just means that if you don’t get the V, you BOTH need to take the responsibility of BC seriously if you don’t want another.

            It sounds like you both need some time to process this and there’s not rush as she can’t get pregnant while pregnancy AND she’ll have some recovery time after birth. Let the emotions settle for 2-4 wks and try to talk again about how you feel and what is driving it.

            On the floor Answered on December 24, 2019.
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              MisterV – Start by taking a deep breath.  I understand that this can be very difficult with young children and pressures, but you can’t make good decisions or go in the right direction if you are panicked.  After taking a deep breath, begin to pray brother.  Pray for wisdom, pray for strength, pray for faith to trust in Him that He will provision what you need.  I saw in your other post something about not being able to go to counseling, but don’t discount that there may be other help available to you.  Is there a trusted older couple of your church that would be willing to help counsel you?  What about your pastor and his wife?  Reading your posts it sounds like communication is a hardship between you and your DW and that makes difficult times even harder.  A few random thoughts.  Do not move out of your bedroom, this is the wrong thing to do and will have many bad effects.  Stop feeling guilty for desiring sex with your wife – this is good and God designed.  He wishes for you to come together and not coming together will magnify your problems.  I understand there is a birth control struggle, but now you have 9 months where that problem has been put on hold for now so ease up on yourself.  Be the husband that your wife needs, do what you can to help her into a place of strength.  Pray for her and yourself daily.  I will pray for you and her brother.

              Hammock Answered on December 25, 2019.
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                I’m not jumping with joy at the prospect of putting her at risk and spending lots of money in order to have my life ruined for the next 20 years

                Do I understand you to mean you believe your life will be ruined by having the responsibility of raising a child for the next 20 years?

                I will admit right up front that my comment is deeply colored by my experiences of pain with infertility, but: I am appalled to see that attitude, no matter how challenging the circumstances seem right now. If you truly feel that way, please consider adoption! I know, everyone always says, “I could never give up my child!” But if you have any leftover attitude that you would rather this child had not been given to you, HE OR SHE WILL KNOW! Much better to be given to a couple who are desperately longing to love a child and would give anything to be “burdened” with such ease of conception.

                Even though I have come to see the rightness of the Lord’s plan in all of the things we faced, and in the one-and-done instead of the quiver-full I had planned, I still halfway hoped for a menopause baby until the day I went for my pre-surgery CT scan. Even now, knowing I don’t have a uterus, much less ovaries, I occasionally still feel that longing for a surprise miracle.

                I’m reminding myself that everyone’s problems are different, and valid, and I’m doing my best to respect that. I admit, this is a tough one for me to be understanding of a different point of view, so I maybe should have just kept my thoughts to myself. But seriously, don’t ever let your child know or even suspect that you ever thought of them as ruining your life. Please.

                Under the stars Answered on December 27, 2019.
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                  I had started counting down… “15 years until the kids are gone and we are a married couple again instead of co-parents” and now, like Sysiphus, the rock has rolled back down and we’re back to square one. On top of that I see all of the annoyances I have to go through again and see all the things that were much more convenient with 2 kids instead of three (car, table, rooms, finances…) I’ve been talking with V, and I don’t think this was intentional (though pressure and her uncertainty might have been a reason she didn’t just say yes when I asked about the vasectomy 2 years ago, then 1 year ago, then at about 4 month intervals). On top of that I think the biggest issue is that I just am not seeing any blessings attached to a third right now.

                  Not as angry with my wife, but still very pissed off at God. I feel like I tried everything short of going behind V’s back, and this happens. I even tried to get into a male hormonal contraceptive study… and was denied because of extremely low sperm count. We thought we had something safe going between condoms and one of those apps, but obviously not (yeah, up to 18% failure, and I’m worried I didn’t adequately convey what that risk meant to V) Two other things contribute to my irritation – I had been saving and planning to have my wrists fixed this year (carpal tunnle, and they’re getting worse), and now that is probably out the window, and there have been pastor/worship style changes at church over the past 2 years that have led to my being disconnected/disaffected there.

                  Good news is V told me that she is done and to go ahead and get the vasectomy. OF course she’s worried about recovery time so she wants it to be at a time I can take a week off. Doesn’t seem like it needs that though.

                  I’d love to hear anyone’s list of benefits of multiple kids. My “logical/rational” analysis isn’t coming up with much.

                  Twin bed Answered on December 28, 2019.
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                    MisterV- You need to work on being a married couple again right now.  Forget the waiting.  Children are a normal part of marriage.  This lie you’ve been sold needs to go or will tarnish much in your marriage and family.  Children can be challenging and a huge amount of work, but they are also an indescribable blessing.  If there are some changes that need to be made in your house for couples time, find a way to integrate that, but to be angry at God for the way He made things doesn’t make a lot of sense to me even if it is how you feel.  A man is blessed to have many, maybe God is blessing you and you don’t know it yet.

                    Hammock Answered on December 28, 2019.
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                      Recovery time for a vasectomy is only a few days to avoid intercourse and sexual play. It’ll need time for the swelling go down so I’m having a hard time understanding the need for a week off. Get it done on a Thursday or Friday and you’re back to work and available for sex after that. You’ll also have to be tested again 6-12 months later to confirm that the vasectomy took and is still in effective.

                      Benefits of multiple kids? Isn’t  greater help for chores around the house for a longer period of time good enough?  =D  They each have their own personalities and high and lows. Moving from 2-3 and beyond means you go from a man-to-man defense to a zone defense when caring for the kids, activities and their needs.

                      On the floor Answered on December 28, 2019.
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                        “I’d love to hear anyone’s list of benefits of multiple kids.”

                         

                        A mother of 4….  now 5 (daughter in love)…. grandma of 1 with another on the way ….. ALL under the same roof.

                        Benefits:

                          • more to love and be loved by
                          • more joy and laughter
                          • more to influence and bring into the kingdom of God, which mean more Christian leaders in their generation
                          • they have more God-given special friends to walk through their whole life with
                          • higher the chance you’ll be taken care of later in life
                          • a larger support group to be surrounded by in life
                          • more opportunities for you to be refined and conformed into the image of Christ
                          • more opportunities to see the hand of God move and work
                          • more grandkids!!!!!   They are the best!
                          • that specific child could be like a Jesus, unplanned by the parents but has a very specific purpose for the Father’s plans, and he/she, if you instill a need and a love for Christ in them, will be the only Jesus some people see.

                         

                        Yes, a larger family can take greater sacrifices…. but if we focus on what’s truly important, the blessings outweigh the cost and the sacrifice.  We live on a limited budget, we are a one-income family.  We can’t do many of the things others do.  We don’t drive or have all the latest cars, gadgets, clothes, etc.  But our family has found affordable ways to explore so many sights and places around us…. much more than people I know who have less kids and more money. God has provided my husband and I multiple vacations/travels at little cost to us.  Focusing on creating a strong family core, has given us some of the best memories and I am beginning to see the fruit of my labors and I have faith that I will continue to reap more fruit from all the sacrifice and the intentionality we took to invest in relationships, first, their relationship with Christ, and then our relationship as family, which then spread out to relationships with others.

                        There are two compliments that I highly cherish:  the first was from my nephew (my husband’s  sister’s son), which there is negative tension between his mom and us because of spiritual beliefs.   When he visited our home for a week, he said, “This is the most peaceful home I have ever seen.”

                        The other, we heard from our dil’s mother on our sons wedding day about our dil, “She just wasn’t attracted to [your son], she was attracted to your family.  She wanted to be a part of your family.”

                         

                        You, and your family, can become that refuge, that place of peace, of love, and of stability that the broken of the world see and are attracted to and desire the same thing or to be a part of it.

                        Under the stars Answered on December 28, 2019.
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