Two Scoops of Tuffi Frutti, Please…Hold the Vanilla…
Today’s Question of the Day (1/27/20) has made me realize how vanilla my marriage bed has become…so much to a point that I was about to shout at my wife, “I can’t take living like this anymore.” It’s like a lack of passion in the marriage bed.
Our typical (and I do mean typical) Saturday evening is like this…clockwork:
- Massage her hands, calves, thighs, and her feet.
- She massages my back until her hands get tired.
- We prep for LM.
- We pray.
- We start and finish in missionary.
This has been going on for months now. Before I would be fortunate to get my favorite position (wife on top) however she gets lazy after eating dessert on Saturdays.
How did you break out of the vanilla marriage bed? What did you go to explore new flavors and how did you slowly introduce passion and the new?
I know that I need to start the process of courting her again…leaving notes, sending texts, and even taking the leap to talk sexually to her. I am “thinking out loud.”
This doesn’t really answer your question, but it is my personal experience. We didn’t start out with only vanilla. But hurt, guilt, relationship issues, shame, etc, took us to vanilla…that is, when “ice cream” was even allowed on the menu. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, what I had to do, and am still working on doing is redeeming all those things that have some negative (or sinful) thoughts, feelings, and memories around them. I have to take the old experience and make it new. I have to take the lies and replace them with truth. I have to remember what was sin in one scenario, isn’t sin with my husband now.
One of you just needs to be a little bold and daring, and do something different. Positions, or acts, whatever it is. Someone has to take the lead, and try something different. My DW & I are both good at that, when we get in a rut, so to speak.
Maybe a time of day change. Better yet, a location change. Might be the room in your house other than the bedroom, or a hotel room. We have spent the night at local hotels, just to be someplace different. Or, head outdoors, if you can, to some place you won’t be seen. We do that a lot!
Besides the changes previously suggested, why not try some new things: like games…books for activities and positions…toys. How about a sexcation (either home or away)? What about setting goals? (Time limits…# of positions…# of orgasms, etc) What about focusing on giving and receiving pleasure rather than the sex act?
What have you talked about? Do you communicate well in other areas? How and how often do you talk about your sex life? About pleasure? What you’d like? What you’d like to try? How is your romantic life? What about listening to and discussing some podcasts like THE NAKED MARRIAGE or SEXY MARRIAGE RADIO? (They are quality Christian podcasts that address issues in relationships, marriage and sex.)
DW & I talked a lot about sex and marriage and sexpectations before getting married and we regularly talk about sex life and marriage so I don’t feel like there’s anything I can’t say. Greater honesty and emotional intimacy leads to deeper trust and greater sexual intimacy…and that is built by laughter, conversation and trust over time.
I think honest conversation with your spouse is critical, sharing your thoughts and desires to grow in this area WHILE also honoring her effort. In other words, build her up (or your husband if a female) as enough for you AND expressing your desire to “go on a journey TOGETHER and w/GOD AND HIS BLESSINGS” because I believe the temptation would be for the other person to feel inadequate. Again, the podcasts mentioned above would be great conversation starters to discuss…to dream…and to develop a shared experience together that can lead to greater emotional intimacy.
Can you change the time of day you ML? Instead of waiting until the evening, perhaps the morning upon waking, or even in the afternoon? If the dessert is causing sleepiness, changing the timing might be enough to stir the pot a bit.
Is there a reason you do all of that in the same order and on Saturday night? For me, having to stop and do 3 and 4 would take away from the passion, but I realize that’s me. What if you start doing number 1 on Saturday morning while you’re already in bed? And move into massaging t and a from there? Maybe try whispering dirty talk because she might be more accepting of that then in a regular tone of voice. If you start in missionary, can you do a ‘pencil roll’ so that she’s then on top?
We like ‘ice cream’ – any flavor! We tend to find a flavor and stick to it for awhile. When we find a foreplay-to-consummation routine that keeps on giving, we stick to it for awhile. A variation on technique/position/body part attention during foreplay or when we are ready for our orgasms can add a new flavor – ergo vanilla/chocolate swill. Then that becomes our normative routine.
Here’s how we’ve developed different flavors.
Someone needs to take the lead. In our marriage bed, it’s me. Mrs. Youngbear/Oldbear has a ‘just do it’ attitude rather than ‘talk and plan it’ approach to introducing new techniques/positions/body part attention to our sexual intimacy routines. That makes it easier for me because she trusts me. Importantly, I introduce new ideas when she is receptive (horny and eager) during foreplay. That’s how we’ve incorporated several new creative ideas into our marriage bed.
@SeekingChange mentioned the ‘boxes’ that they have in their marriage bed. It’s a great analogy. Here’s my take on our ‘Boxes.’
Things in our various boxes are (chiefly introduced by me) techniques/positions/body part attention that we have found to be ‘delightful,’ some things are ‘wow’ but edgy, others ‘meh,’ and still others ‘not for us or me.’ The delightful ones become new favorites and are in the ‘Fun and Familiar Box.’ The ‘edgy’ ones go back into the ‘Fantasy Box’ available for another right time. The ‘meh’ efforts go into the ‘Storage Box.’ The ‘not for us or me’ ones go into the ‘Whoa, Nellie Box’ never to be tried again.
The Fun and Familiar Box is where we draw frequently on our love of breast time/play/pleasure pain, external prostate massage, anal play, and mutual/solo masturbation (watching, helping, and telling). At one time those things were in our Fantasy Box. Our current Fantasy Box is filled with things we’ve done, would like to, again, or haven’t tried (in my mind). In our Fantasy Box sits shaving, light bondage, etc. In our Storage Box are gymnastic positions, toys, etc. In the ‘Whoa, Nellie’ box are things that are uncomfortable, wrong for our marriage bed, etc.
In summary, someone needs to take the lead – it can be shared, but figure out whether to talk 1st then act or just take things into your hands (pun intended). Lastly, don’t rue the routine. Routines can be fun and familiar! Plus, they require time to perfect.
What I see @Elevation, it’s the lack of passion that is the crux, not so much the flavor. These are two different things to deal with, don’t you think?
The simplicity of “vanilla” sex, can actually be quite erotic (at least to me)… when I allow myself to think about what is truly happening, I am still in awe of it after 25+ years. And it can affect me more deeply, which in turn arouses me, more than introducing new things into our marriage bed. I am realizing that it’s similar to the onion analogy, there are layers and layers, and each time we come back to the heart of “being one-flesh”, the more savory vanilla becomes.
As to passion… are you willing to have some conflict? That might be what it takes to get it.