Uncharted Territory

    I just need some perspective and advice from those way wiser than myself. (DH and I have been married 6 years)

    For the first time he went away on business a couple of weeks ago, different state for a whole week.  Our marriage has never been rocky and we have strong relationship and sexual life. However, I stumbled upon an email correspondence he had with someone on Craigslist (really did stumbled upon, we share an iPad and constantly sign in and out of each others’ accounts) about meeting up at his hotel while he was in that city.

    I’m just crushed. He said nothing happened and has apologized.  He said he was “just curious how that process worked” but came to his sense before a meet up. But how do I know for sure? I guess I don’t, but have to just trust. I’m having trouble dealing with it all and would like some advice and prayer (definitely prayer)

    Cot Asked on July 27, 2019 in Infidelity .
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    9 Answer(s)

      I’mhere,

      First, I want to tell you how sorry I am for the place you find yourself in. It isn’t right, and it isn’t fair.

      I do have a few comments, and I will try to make them as realistic as possible without automatically assuming anything, especially worst case scenarios.

      Before I go on, I would like to tell you that I have been in your husbands shoes. I have traveled extensively, I have been tempted, and I have given into that temptation.

      The first thing I would tell you is that your husband may be telling the truth, but there is no reason you should believe him just because he says so. He needs to earn your trust back. I can’t tell you what that should look like, but I would recommend individual and couple counseling. I would also want to know some details a out how he knows this woman, how long he has known her, and the nature of the relationship. It may be that an emotional affair has been going on for awhile. If that is not the case, then how did he happen to have her contact information. There is a lot that troubles me about his response. It might be intuition based on my own experience, and it might be completely wrong, but it still troubles me. It just seems “unlikely” that it all just happened.

      The good news is that I can tell you that you can come back from this stronger than ever. It is a lousy place to be, but it is a great place to build from. It takes repentance and forgiveness in abundance, but it can lead to real growth.

      Fell out of ... Answered on July 28, 2019.
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        Praying for you, that would be crushing. I am sorry this is the reason you made it here.

        My advice, reach out for help, whether through a pastor, spiritual mentor or Christian counselor. Even if your husband did not act upon anything, he went searching and that points to deeper issues. There was betrayal. Find someone to help you walk through this and explore this deeper together, so that you can find healing and restoration as individuals and as a couple.

        Under the stars Answered on July 27, 2019.
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          I am praying for you.  Most women would require their husbands to take an STD test, seek single and couple counseling, apply boundaries to intimacy, work on communication and exploration of what the issues were that prompted the ‘curiosity of the process of infidelity.  it is a tough-love set of actions but permissiveness and blind trust will not accomplish the goal of establishing trust.

          On the floor Answered on July 27, 2019.

          I agree with you STG… tough-love IS required to go through the painful process that is required to restore the level of trust required for a healthy marriage.

          And I also agree with SC….  there WAS betrayal whether he followed through on his impulse(?) or not.

           

           

          on July 28, 2019.
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            I’m sorry about your situation. So what has happened since? Great advice here.

            Forgiveness is given, trust is earned! Never give trust blindly now. Your spouse needs to earn it via demonstrated action, genuine remorse and accountability to you and others moving forward. I’ve seen too many couples sweep indiscretions & sin under the rug without getting to the root of the issue, which means like a weed, it will come back because the roots weren’t removed. Only the top part (the action) was cut off but the root remains.

            I & my DW were previously married 15 yrs to spouses who committed adultery. Both of us would’ve reconciled (and we tried to) but each of our spouses wouldn’t stop. My ex was discovered and quickly filed for divorce & my DW filed after his last affair when he lied and said it was over and it wasn’t. He’d had multiple affairs over 15 yrs and he’d been lying to pastors, counselors and those trying to hold him accountable.

            I love the NEW LIFE LIVE people who say that intrinsic motivation will be demonstrated by outward action over time because it’s the right thing to do. Always reconcile with a plan and steps in place, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER before. Otherwise, you’ll be bound to repeat the same scenario.

            On the floor Answered on September 8, 2019.

            That’s a very helpful distinction:  “Forgiveness is given, trust is earned.” We’ve not faced this particular issue, but certainly in parenting, or considering Christian forgiveness of those who commit crimes, or betrayals in lesser relationships, a phrase like that is a good way to handle those things wisely.

            on September 8, 2019.
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              Thank you all for your responses – each has helped me or given me a different perspective.

              He has said, “I just want you to trust me, I don’t want to lose your trust.” And I respond that how can I after he secretly invited another woman into our marriage, whether or not he acted upon it?

              Through prayer and grace I hope we can get to a place where he realizes the gravity of his actions and full trust is restored between us. I know that will take a lot of time

              Cot Answered on July 29, 2019.
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                I read this last night and was just crushed for you. I couldn’t even imagine what to say to you in such a situation. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but know that I mourn with you and cry out to God on your behalf. I’m asking Him to touch (maybe smack) your husband’s heart and drive him to want honesty and purity in his life and restored relationship with you. My heart remains heavy, but hopeful for you, because our God can do more than we ever ask or imagine. Hugs!

                Under the stars Answered on July 28, 2019.
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                  This is just a thought and so you can be prepared ….. confessions often come out in layers.

                  Under the stars Answered on July 28, 2019.
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                    Sorry to hear of this. I’m praying for you too.

                    May God give you much strength, grace, and wisdom. May the power of the Gospel be at work in your marriage and especially in your DH’s heart.

                     

                    Under the stars Answered on July 28, 2019.
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                      @Imhere, I don’t know if you saw a quote from “How We Love” in another QNA thread on trusting.  I found it helpful, you can read it here.     At the moment, it’s the answer at the top by ShadowSpirit.

                      Under the stars Answered on July 29, 2019.
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