Update On “More to Less” Experiment & Praise

    It’s been almost two months since I asked about Experimenting from Going from More to Less Sex, we are coming upon the end of the second month of that experiment, so I thought I would give an official update. (If you want to get straight to the update, it is in bold below.)

    Some may recall that a little over a month ago I also had the change of Surviving to Thriving take place, which is also part of this whole thing.

    As an overview for those who may have missed it or don’t recall the facts.  We were having sex almost daily, with the exceptions of my “no zone’s” of Sundays, the first 48-72 hours of my period, and when I am sleeping (no waking me up).  My husband was really desiring twice a day, while I desiring less than what we were having, 3x/week was what I was thinking, although I also thought my drive/desire was actually less than that.

    What we agreed upon was still working within the same perimeters above (“no zones”), and planning 3x a week, typical days were Tues, Thurs, and Sat, plus one fun/play night a month.  There have been times that we agreed to swap days.  There have been multiple times that I have initiated on “off” days as just “extras”.

    I asked, “Does adding monumentally more sex, while holding the rest of the relationship constant, actually yield lower sexual desire in the woman [me]?  Is having almost daily sex, cost me too much, that we are losing some of the benefit? (I believe the answers are “yes!”)

    I suggested that the only way for me to really know my desire, is to experiment…. but is he willing, and does he really believe he can do it?  I am still questioning if there are other factors (fears) that drive to him to keep up the quantity at the sacrifice of quality?”

     

    Today I asked my husband to give me his brief thoughts on how he thought this experiment was going….. He LOVES it!  He is getting more sex than he thought he would, we are averaging “more times than not” each month.  The fact that I have the desire to initiate makes him feel wanted and desired, especially when I do it in those “no zones” that I had to guard before.  And even on the planned nights he notices a difference.  The ratio of my O’s with sexual encounters have gone up, in his words, “substantially higher” for me. (He’s been tracking since the beginning of 2019)

    I needed the distance or the space to be able to actually “find” myself, rather than feeling like I constantly needed to be on the defense of him “taking” from me.  I am enjoying sex with my husband again!  Changing my mindset (to thriving) is making it all the more physically pleasurable.  Plus, having the freedom of “off nights” is beneficial emotionally, mentally and physically.   I also believe one thing that is making this successful is when I feel sexual desire, I feel free to seek fulfillment out in him.  I don’t feel like I have to “horde” up my energy because I feel like I have to make use of the little bit of “off” time I have.  I also get a kick out of surprising him. 🙂

    One  thought that this experiment has me mulling around is what role does “control” have in this?  Is it a bad thing or good?  What’s the healthy balance of “control”?

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      Wow, this is good to hear, SC. Thanks for the update.

      I also have wondered about the control thing and how to work that out.

      Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on February 25, 2020.
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        Very glad to hear that SC, even if you’d already given a preview of it in the positions discussion thread.

        The “control” thing is a bit of a gray area. In my opinion, it’s not something to worry about here much, as you seem to have submitted/conceded control in so many areas to your husband that really what you’re doing is just ensuring that you’re protected here. I still gather that he’s “initiating” most of the time, you’re letting him lead you into sexual pleasure/relations, and even your preferred position is one where you have very little control (particularly given your size difference). It’s not like you’ve demanded to go to no more than 3x/week or something, and honestly I’m guessing that even you are surprised at your desire sparking without dropping the frequency as significantly as you expected was required.

        I think this quote says it more than anything:  “I am enjoying sex with my husband again!”  It wasn’t about control more than a physical, mental, and emotional need.

        -Scott

        On the floor Answered on February 25, 2020.
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          One  thought that this experiment has me mulling around is what role does “control” have in this?  Is it a bad thing or good?  What’s the healthy balance of “control”?

          What you’ve done seems very healthy to me. You asked him to respect a couple of preferences (personal control) and you are open to building a sex life that is good for both of you.

          King bed Answered on March 1, 2020.
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            Congrats to you and hubby! I’m guessing this might not be nearly as beneficial to those of us who are not as blessed in the number of encounters. Your results in bold sound ideal to me as a HD husband. Three quality encounters a week and you happily initiate on off days. Congrats again!

            Hammock Answered on February 25, 2020.
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              Great news!  Happy the experiment was successful and beneficial!

              California King Answered on February 25, 2020.
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                I agree with Scott: the most important part of this is the fact that you are enjoying sex with your husband again. I really don’t see that control has much to do with it; he could have rejected your idea and insisted on your previously agreed every night schedule. You both agreed to try something new for the good of the relationship and lo and behold it has had wonderful benefits!

                I know you like to analyze a lot (I’m the same way) but in this case, I think you should maybe just relax and enjoy. 😉

                Under the stars Answered on February 26, 2020.
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                  I had actually forgotten about this, but this morning, for whatever reason, “Cat & Mouse” came to mind… I had to go search for it to remember what it was about and it has to do with “Turn-On Triggers“.  I wonder how much this is influencing the success of my experiment since I tested at “Cat & Mouse” and I like a chase…. things that make you go, hmmm 🙂

                  There was a little bit of a follow up question to the “turn-ons” here.

                  Under the stars Answered on February 29, 2020.
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                    It’s very difficult to say “yes” enthusiastically if you can’t say “not now” confidently.

                    King bed Answered on March 1, 2020.
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