Vibrator – orgasm success rate

    So after it sat by the bed for about 4 years, it’s come out now 3 times. The record is 2/3. Both “wins” took less than 2 minutes. The loss just occurred and she gave up after about 3 minutes. She “knew it wasn’t going to work.”

    Now I’m a little concerned she won’t go back to it. It’s all fo her so I won’t push the idea, though every time I have been the one to introduce it. She never asks for it. So I’m a little hesitant now. What’s the right thing to do? What’s the “normal” success rate?

    On the floor Asked on July 12, 2020 in Activities & Items .
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    8 Answer(s)

      I would encourage her to keep trying. It’s good to remember that if she still has fluctuating hormones, they can affect things. Also, where a woman is mentally, emotionally and even physically (tired, etc) can and will make a difference. I can usually tell when my chances are down with having an O. But, because I know of responsive desire, I typically, but not always, will still use a vibrator because I know that there’s a chance responsive desire will kick in. And even if it doesn’t, or an orgasm doesn’t happen, I have had no negative repercussions from trying it any way. So, even if I don’t have “success” of achieving an orgasm, I haven’t gone backwards, or into the negative mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually, by using the vibrator anyway.

      Under the stars Answered on July 12, 2020.

      Definitely agree with this. Until one gets comfortable using something like a vibrator (so using it potentially dozens of times), they may not know how to best use it and what to expect. We’re experiencing this now with a new toy we just got actually. I was very pleased to hear Zelda say she wanted to try again even though the first time had mixed results and we had to switch to the “tried and true” to finish.

      -Scott

      on July 12, 2020.
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        IDK. It’s all individual and depends on what toy you have, hormones and cycle, her desire, her openness to it, how turned on she may or may not be already, other foreplay, the moon, whether or not you stand with one leg in the air while hoping like kangaroo and barking like a dog in between singing the national anthem on the 5th Tuesday of every month…or maybe Thurday…but sometimes Saturday nights . 🤣🤣

        Our experience from my perspective, I bought DW a rabbit-style toy at CMas. I let her drive that bus as to usage because it was gonna be a new experience for her. I asked if she want to try it one night after some foreplay and about 2-3 months in. After a few minutes that’s not what she wanted. Ok then. Then I let it rest for a few more months and asked about it again after some foreplay and now we’ve used it now about 4-5x in the past month after her first WOW! with that thing. (See a previous post).

        So are you allowing for foreplay without it first? Is this a stretch for her? Does she feel “dirty” for using it? Does she understand her body? Does she regularly orgasm with PIV, OS and MS or is this a new horizon for her?

        those are some of the thoughts running through my head.

        Under the stars Answered on July 12, 2020.

        IDK. It’s all individual and depends on what toy you have, hormones and cycle, her desire, her openness to it, how turned on she may or may not be already, other foreplay, the moon, whether or not you stand with one leg in the air while hoping like kangaroo and barking like a dog in between singing the national anthem. 

        HA!! So true 😛

        on July 12, 2020.

        @newwifenewlife – I understand that you meant your first paragraph to be humorous, and I’m sure plenty of people found it to be amusing.

        I just felt prompted to say that reading something like that does two things:
        1. Points out the reality that female arousal can be complicated and is clearly not as straight forward as typical male arousal.
        2. Reinforces the message that women’s arousal is a lot of effort, is fickle, and your effort might not even be rewarded in the end…. so maybe it’s not worth it.

        Number 2 is a message women hear a lot. I know you didn’t intend to send that message, but it would be easy for women to read your comment and have that negative message reinforced.

        As I said, I know that wasn’t your intent. I just felt prompted to highlight how that message can be received by the wider readership. I hope what I’m saying makes sense.

        on July 12, 2020.

        MQ , it was not my intention to be offensive, but to point out that female arousal and desire is complicated and it can be a frustrating moving target, especially as women’s bodies change and age. Why God did this is a matter I’ve talked to Him about on numerous occasions with laughter and tears over the years.  I think your point from #2 is well said but I would disagree with the last phrase. If you mean that it might not be rewarded with an O, that’s true. But worth the effort of investing in yourself and your marriage bed? I believe the answer is yes, because it’s a journey between two people and I believe there will always be rewards when couples go on a journey together.

        DW & I have been married over three years and with early onset menopause, it’s meant constant adjustments and conversations. There is a great mystery to female arousal and it really is rarely the same. There are many times things that impact foreplay and arousal.  I feel as a husband, it is my responsibility to set the stage for my DW in the marriage bed. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but it is always worth the connection time we have….worth it for both of us because we are co-creating our marriage bed. We are both putting in the effort and trying to communicate and make adjustments as we go along. I believe this will continue to pay off dividends in our marriage and marriage bed until we are separated by death. 

        on July 13, 2020.

        Thanks @newwifenewlife for your clarification. I appreciate your perspective. I think (at least for me) your first paragraph came across more as a statement of how husbands feel about female arousal – ie. that dealing with a wife’s arousal is hard work, is frustrating, and it’s a hassle.

        “…stand with one leg in the air while hopping like a kangaroo and barking like a dog in between singing the national anthem on the 5th Tuesday of every month…”

        Doesn’t really sound like much fun 🙂

        Yes, you were making a joke, but usually if a joke is being made, then there is a base element of truth in it.

        I will say again, I know it wasn’t your intent, but I can see how some wives would read it and think that it confirms the negative message they have heard plenty of times before.

        on July 13, 2020.

        If it was not at least somewhat true, then it would have zero negative affect. If it were somewhat true, then she would have at least three choices – be offended, be reticent, or be proactive. Sometimes a well thought, but humorous approach is the best way to get someone to consider themselves and their actions.

        on July 14, 2020.
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          For my wife, a vibrator is nearly 100% sure thing, just PIV is about 50%.

          On the floor Answered on July 14, 2020.
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            The “right thing to do” depends on the wife.

            The “normal” success rate of course varies, but honestly it should be pretty high (I’d think 80+% once one figures things out). Paul Byerly certainly recommends finding a way to nearly guarantee the DW’s orgasm. Clearly, the strength of the vibe and the wife’s comfort level matter.

            Personally, not counting the first time when she was just testing it out, we have a 97.3% success rate. 10.0% of those also got her a second O. This is coming from a woman who’d been having married sex for >12 yr plus a year of OS before that and NEVER got an O during that time (almost certainly more than 1000 sexual encounters) before the vibrator. The 2-3-minute timescales you are talking about are like a foreign language to me. Zelda’s quickest is an estimated 6 min, with another timed at 7 min and another timed at 9 min. Everything else has been 10 min or longer. And that’s with simultaneous PIV and/or fingers for internal stimulation. She’s gone twice with the vibe without any internal stimulation, at 30 and 40 min. Although rarely does Zelda go in with an eagerness to O, once we get going she strongly prefers one. This has led to some sessions going over an hour…it happens. But honestly, I just hand her the vibe at the start every time and it’s not even a question.

            IIRC, the “average” time for women to O once direct clitoral stimulation happens is 13 minutes. There’s a huge range, but 2-3 minutes, even with a vibe, sounds insane to me (not that SHE is weird, but it is so far from the reality that I know). Wouldn’t always be nice to go so fast, but the option for quickies, etc would be awesome.

            Overall, like so many other things, this probably comes down to the mental aspect.

            -Scott

            Under the stars Answered on July 12, 2020.

            Scott, yes it isn’t nice to always go that fast, there are times that with a vibe i get there in less than a minute.  Would prefer much longer.

            on July 12, 2020.

            Thanks for sharing SOA. I really experienced this a few weeks ago when we had that 7-min run. It was almost like a let down because things weren’t longer! On the other hand, we were both quite tired that night and decided to call it quits and go to bed.

            -Scott

            on July 12, 2020.
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              DW is 99.9% orgasmic with vibrators since we found the right vibrators. The first was a corded wand type we got from Brooks in the Mall. Others include the magic wand and two different Satisfyer models. Also an Eroscillator. .She never had and orgasm after many years of marriage until we tried them.  She will have multiples until she’s too tired to have any more and begs off. The first one often takes a minute or less, depending on which vibrator we are using.

              King bed Answered on July 12, 2020.
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                Agree with Newwifenewlife that many factors determine if my DW will have an orgasm when using a toy. If she is under any stress, an O will certainly be more elusive. If it has been a week since her last O, then it is likely she will have an orgasm more quickly. I would say our success rate is between 66% – 75%. My DW is not discouraged if she cannot have an O; we understand that it is the nature of her response that there will be times when even 45 minutes of stimulation with a magic wand will not get her over the hump.  DW has has had enough success with the wand that she always uses it when we have intercourse, unless we are doing something just for my benefit (HJ, etc.).

                On the floor Answered on July 13, 2020.
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                  Vibrators are complicated.  I have had some that when “new” gave me orgasms quickly, but then I hit a wall with them and didn’t enjoy them. Then mental enters in and it gets even more complicated. I would try switching up vibrators.   Stay positive, encourage her that you just want to give her pleasure. There is no failure, just a journey

                  On the floor Answered on July 13, 2020.
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                    It might help to remember that there is a reason they are called “sex TOYS”. Think of it as something to play with, trying different things and just doing what feels good with it. Children play with toys to learn; maybe we adults should play with “adult toys” to learn about sex (or at least learn what’s fun to do with the toy?” Be silly, have fun. Just make sure to pay attention when something feels good so you know how to do it again.

                    Under the stars Answered on July 14, 2020.
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