Visualisation-only self-stimulation?

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    Due to a mixture of medical challenges and the medications for them, my wife generally has quite low libido; she’s up for something perhaps once a month, perhaps not. However, she’s been quite understanding about helping me out more often.

    Recent times have added the challenge of a toddler struggling with sleep training, and usually spending the night in our bed; ain’t nothing happening at all then! We have discussed before the idea that there could be situations where masturbation within marriage could make sense, but we share a concern that it could easily become isolating and substitute for what intimacy we’re still able to share.

    However, on a recent evening after both she and toddler were already asleep, I had the somewhat surprising experience of reaching orgasm just by vividly visualising a sexual encounter with her. When I told her about it the next day, her reaction was to be flattered that thoughts of her had that effect on me, and gave her blessing to continue it. I’ve since found that it’s not quite possible contact-free – it probably wouldn’t have worked the first time if I’d been naked – but very nearly so. No hands, for example. But of particular note, for me, is that by filling my mind with erotic thoughts of her (not exaggerated or fantastical, but definitely sexual), I find that I feel more aware of her and connected to her afterward, not less.

    Does anyone else have related experience? I’d like to think that this could help us to manage medically mismatched sex drives, while increasing closeness rather than distance, but it’s also kind of untested waters for me.

    uhhhh…yeah…As my wife got a crazy idea when I was 25 to start having kids, (adoption/foster care) I was very clear that our bed was 99.9% of the time our bed and not kids bed. I said it early. Marriage is between a man and woman and kids usually result and can take time form “marriage activity” but I really felt that kids NEVER sleep in the parents bed. I love being nude in bed so disruption of my bedtime is mine. Kids have beds to sleep in so they belong in their own beds. As I said above. the .1% is perhaps a scary lightening storm or threat of life of some kind. So reasonable times for kid to be in your bed is mostly non-existent. My wife fed bottles to our first babies in bed and when done they go back to the crib so they wake in the crib.

    That said;

    If masturbation keeps you in a marriage where spouse is low sex drive and neither of you explore supplements, or meds, etc…I say ok, but no porn!

    Also, if you are young as I assume you are with a toddler, your sex drive is normal and should be accommodated but TMB is here to address solutions if one wants them.

    The stickler here is that a kid is in your bed!? Once you invite them, they get used to it and develop additional problems and momma is usually the “softy.” If one of you has to repeatedly return to a screaming kids room, so be it! But kids do NOT ever sleep in or on parents bed!

    on August 13, 2020.
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      I think it’s good you two are talking about these things and that she was accepting of what you shared with her.  It would seem to me that you should do these visualizing episodes with her too (at least on occasion). Sometimes our imagination is more tantalizing than reality.  (Isn’t that why we sometimes feel let down by something we’d been imagining would be the greatest?)

      Even if your DH didn’t actively participate, her being there with you would be a move toward greater intimacy. And, not to offend, but  my opinion is that the co-sleeping won’t  help with sleep training. Or your marriage bed either.

      Under the stars Answered on August 12, 2020.
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        Carl, was your question more about the hands-free orgasm, and whether others have had that kind of experience?
        Considering your wife’s low libido and the situation with the kid in bed, it is surprising to me that you could reach orgasm by simply fantasizing about your wife. Congrats! For me it would require being in a complete state of relaxation and being in-synch mentally with my wife. But it sounds like maybe a big factor in your case is probably the sexual tension that built up from not having an outlet. At some point, you’ve gotta release – whether it’s hands-free or not!
        I was able to reach a hands-free orgasm only one time in my life (no manual stimulation). The three elements that I think were key were: extra time (which I usually don’t have) for building up sexual focus/tension, constant and intensifying erotic fantasizing about my wife, squeezing and releasing pc muscle (kegels). This last one was key in getting me over the top, because, even though there was no touching involved, the squeeze & release caused movement and stretching. A bit like in your case – where you were wearing some clothing so that may have created some extra friction. The kegels created a kind of surface friction/tension. I too was quite surprised that I was able to reach orgasm without touching myself (and at age 45!). I was never able to replicate it however.
        Although it was a memorable and exciting experience, the orgasm was ultimately not a very powerful/intense one – probably due to the fact that there was no actual stimulation. But it was still fun!
        It seems to me that masturbation (whether hands-free or not) could help with your difference in drive, as long as you keep up the communication about it. I agree with your approach of keeping your wife the focus of your thoughts during these solo events.
        Double bed Answered on August 18, 2020.
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          I’ve experienced nocturnal emissions (wet dreams) while actively dreaming of my wife,  but never while conscience. That would be impossible for me. Having good thoughts about one’s spouse is never a bad thing though and should be encouraged. That is often what gets me going in the first place. But when you are married to a low drive spouse, that process can lead to much frustration.  When I have physically masturbated in the past, I often tried to focus on a hot event with the wife.  I believe that is the best, if not only, way to keep masturbation from going into that isolated place you mention. It is a mental connection that builds the intimacy.  If you can do the same without physically touching yourself, more power to you I reckon. But I’d also figure you could do the same while physically touching yourself and there would be no damage done.

          I regret all the times when I was young and did not openly share my desire with my wife and give her the opportunity to at least be a distant part of it. THAT is what burns down the bridges IMO,  and in my experience.

          Blanket on a secluded beach! Answered on August 12, 2020.

          Great answer!

          on August 12, 2020.
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            I am not a low drive spouse, but I would think that knowing that all it takes is thinking about her to get you revved up would be not just flattering, but (even if subconsciously) exciting. I would not be surprised to see her thinking about sex more if she knows you are that affected by her. (Remember this is from the perspective of someone who has not always felt desirable, so that would be a huge thing to me. It’s possible your wife is different.) Either way, if she has given her blessing, and you find it makes you feel close and connected to her, go ahead, but maybe talk to her and find out if there is something she could do (if she just can’t arrange for or be interested in sex any more often) to make HER feel close and connected to YOU. Then maybe all this closeness and connectedness will lead to more sex.

            Oh! Also, research her meds to see if there are ways to mitigate the low-libido side effects, whether by changing meds or incorporating something else in her lifestyle/routine that would help. And don’t be afraid to advocate (encourage your wife to advocate) for her own health by questioning the doctor on whether she really needs any individual medication, why, and how it works, and if there’s a non-pharmaceutical way to help or if the med she’s taking really is necessary, if there is a plan to reduce it and ultimately get off it.  A good doctor won’t want her to “just live with” a low libido.

            Regarding the co-sleeping–this is not to cast judgement on whether it is good, bad or indifferent–IF you want to try to get your child into their own room, you might try making sure that your room is not as pleasant for him/her as his/her own room is. Don’t make adjustments for covers or fans or pillows or getting squished out; require that the child adjust, but give them every possible luxury for sleeping when in their own room. The disclaimer on this one is that our DD was a very good sleeper and we never really had to fight that battle, but we’ve been working on getting the—don’t be offended by this—getting the dog out of our bed and finally figured out that she stays because she’s just so comfortable. When we make sure WE are comfortable, and as a result (intentional or not) she is not, she leaves.

            It sounds awful to think of training children and dogs with similar methods, and the first time I heard a speaker talk about “speaking German Shepherd” to children, I thought it was really weird, but the older my DD gets, the more similarities I see, from both our successes and failures.

            I’m just throwing that out, JUST IN CASE it can be useful to you; PLEASE just ignore if it’s not!!

            Under the stars Answered on August 12, 2020.

            I trained both my children in much the same way I’ve trained my dogs and horses. Much of the basic principles are the same and many of the methods. Both being very well adjusted and successful in school, winning several scholarships, athletic and academic, musical accolades, and both loving The Lord, I humbly claim it worked! They can now make good decisions on their own.

            What you describe with the dog and the bed loosely illustrates my basic principle in dog/horse/kid training – make the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard. I have seen sooo many maladjusted children where the parents Allowed them to rule the house. I’ve seen parents afraid to correct their kids. I’ve seen kids raised to think the world revolves around them and you succeed by just breathing…and get a trophy. Now we see those same kids rioting In the streets in black hoodies.

            A child will not respect a parent whom they dominate.

            on August 13, 2020.

            “A child will not respect a parent whom they dominate.”

            AMEN!!!!

            on August 13, 2020.
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              This sleep training if its real, is done in the kids own bed! Also, these are kids, human kids not animals! I am completely against this invitation to bring kids in bed with you.

              Years ago my friend would call me at 11pm at night. Its ok because we’re adult men, we talk late, right? But in the background I hear his kids, because he’s in bed and his small children are both in bed with them. He said that his own parents made many restrictions on him as a child so its ok. I felt that it was wrong because they should be having sex on occasion. Then, to my surprise, his wife got pregnant! I mean…how?? the kids were right there.

              Anyway, as a 50+ year old we are doing foster care again and 2 babies are here. Same rule applies. the babies room is downstairs. Yes they wake on occasion, yes they need bottles at 7am…either I or my wife get bottles, etc and we both return to bed unless we’re up for the day.

              so after 25+ kids have gone through our home over a period of 30 years and now older,  we’ve had 3 foster babies…they have their own beds!!

              If I sound harsh, well, some husbands get very sexually frustrated from this! No manner of baby duty will take away a husbands sexual needs!

              Hammock Answered on August 13, 2020.
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                BTW, I checked, and where I heard about “Basic German Shepherd” was in a course on Love & Logic Parenting which we took through the Department of Social Services when we were considering becoming foster parents. It was their preferred method for dealing with challenging children.

                Under the stars Answered on August 13, 2020.
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