Wedding night regrets
Even thought my husband and I have been married for a couple years, we recently had a revelation about our wedding night. For me, sex was very painful and for him, he had a terrible time staying hard. It was not how I imagined it because he was so excited for sex!! He couldn’t stay hard, and he definitely did not go wild for seeing a naked woman for the first time in his life. He admits now that things didn’t look as he expected and he was taken back by it. I could tell. Anyway, I always wondered why in the world did he not go crazy for me, even if things weren’t what he expected. And he was always going nuts over my modestly clothed body while we were dating! And why couldn’t he stay hard, when he was inside me for the first time? Well, only a few months ago did it click for us. When we left our wedding venue and headed for where we’d stay for the night, my husband was so excited for sex, that we pulled off on a dirt road and I gave him a hand job to completion…. a couple hours before we tried to have sex again. *shakes head* Honestly we did not think that through and ever since we realized it, I’ve had regrets. I had dreamed about our wedding night for so long and then it was like, very disappointing. I often wonder how much better it could have been if we had waited, and he was wound up instead of very fizzled out. I know it doesn’t matter now, but sometimes I get to thinking about it and it stirs up regret and disappointment. I also admit that I am VERY sentimental about our wedding night so I think that has something to do with it.. Does anyone else have regrets? How do you get past them?
Even though some years have passed, I have vivid memory of our wedding night. It did not disappoint in any way, but there are some things I would have done differently, knowing what I know now. But, I didn’t know so much then–about myself, about my wife, about how we are a match, sexually and otherwise.
I approached my wedding night with that odd combination of supreme confidence and real apprehension that shows up every now and then in ife. I knew I could pull it off and was totally psyched to do so, full of self-confidence (and myself, ugh). At the same time, I worried that I might come too fast, or not get her cues right, or be too self-focused, or be too rough and not tender enough, or mess it up for her, and everything else a guy can imagine
Biggest takeaway: sex is serious, but should not be taken too seriously. In other words, everybody fumbles the ball every now and then; that doesn’t mean the game is over and that it can’t be recovered. And, the great thing about married sex is that you get a chance to get on the field again. And again. And again. Enjoying the play is more important than scoring a touchdown every time. Sex is serious; it is seriously important and key to a successful marriage, I’d say. But, never let it become less than playful and fun, even if it’s intense and overpowering at times. I wish I had understood that on my honeymoon, super cool as it was.
On my wedding night, I was so determined to not finish too fast that I positioned the clock (by the hotel bedside) in plain view. After we made some early moves, we settled into a missionary position, with me on top. I watched the clock, gauging my time–distracted, no doubt, by watching the clock instead of focusing on the supreme feeling of pleasure and closeness clothing us both and missing my wife’s reactions and pleasure. What an idiot. Still, I went five minutes before exploding inside, proud of myself. My wife professed to have loved it. But, we both have tasted so much more and better since then, that looking backward, all we can do is smile and laugh.
I’ve only been married once–still with my amazing number one wife. So, the “first night” is beyond reclaiming. But, if, by some strange turn of events I’m widowed and remarry and get a wedding night do-over, I won’t be watching the clock. No way.
I applaud an earlier comment that suggested you celebrate your wedding night each year with a hand job and know you’re got so much more going for you now (although, there’s no shame in a good handjob from my wife–it can be a thing, too; just speaking from experience). Overwhelm the wedding memory with hot memories of new adventures. It can work. Enjoy.
Ours wasn’t that great either. We didn’t wait for marriage which I felt guilty about and (still have to work through occasionally reminding myself that I am forgiven) and I had gone on hormonal birth control which killed my libido. I was also exhausted from the wedding and long drive to where we were staying so we didn’t even have sex but went to bed. We did take a bubble bath together in the jacuzzi tub that was in our room and he slowly took dozens of bobby pins out of my hair, that’s a memory of the night that I cherish. I do feel bad that we didn’t have much sex at all during the honeymoon or really the first three years of our marriage. I know that he was disappointed in our honeymoon and at the time I felt guilty that I didn’t have more desire and was the opposite of generous or adventurous. Thankfully God redeems, He convicted me of my selfishness and I also recognized how badly hormonal birth control effected me and went off it. I don’t really dwell on our wedding night anymore, I do have some lingering sadness about how it (and the first three years of our marriage) could have been better but I try to focus my energy on the present instead of dwelling in that.
Yes, we have regrets. Our wedding night does not carry fond memories. I was exhausted. My husband didn’t give me time or space to prepare myself, nor did he take my exhaustion into account. He wishes he wouldn’t have pushed or have been in such a rush to get to things.
How we moved past it….we forgave each other and actually have chosen to receive it and live in the forgiveness given. We have learned to laugh about it. We also use what we learned to try to help others. In God’s economy, our mistakes and our afflictions/hurts, are what He will use for our ministry to others and to comfort them.
God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose…. focus on the good He is using from it.
Don’t beat yourselves up over it. I know we would have had no clue about that because you often hear about guys who can go all night long. It’s probably a small percentage! Why not try to turn it into a happy memory and celebrate each anniversary with a hand job somewhere new or something along those lines. Or on your next anniversary, go back to your honeymoon location and have a do over, wearing the same clothes, wedding dress, lingerie or whatever.
Well, With Love mentioned in her question that, in the excitement “for sex” after the wedding, she gave her new husband a hand job on a dirt road on the way to their wedding night destination–which set them up for a fail and frustration later. Turning the disappointment of their wedding night into moment worth remembering with an anniversary hand job each year has some buzz, given the history. But, an anniversary blow job? I say, why not both? But, not a fan of the “once a year blow job” … the more the merrier : )
We have no regrets. But I hear of many other couples that have. A few of the more common ones include
- being too tired by the time they get to having sex
- having drunk too much to be there fully for each other
- having already had their first(s) before that night
- being “all thumbs” not having a clue what they should be doing
- missing their expectation because they were holding too high expectations
Our Wedding night was a bust. Neither of us had a clue…After a few attempts at failing to get Tab A into Slot B, we gave up and went to sleep. Night 2 was about the same, but we just kept enjoying our honeymoon without worrying about it. Night 3 was the night when everything came together. I’m glad we didn’t make a huge deal out of it then. The only regret I had was the lame per-marital counseling we received. I think if someone had explained a few things better instead of being embarrassed, we may have gotten it the first night…But as I said, we just kept enjoying our time on the coast and let it happen when it did.
Our wedding night was also difficult to say the least. I was very nervous about having vaginal sex and he was eager/nervous as well. The foreplay was fun lol but the penetration piece was very painful for me so he couldn’t finish inside me (he felt bad that it was painful). So he finished on his own/with a little help from me but the next morning we just had outer-course and worked our way back up to penetration rather than forcing it to happen so quickly. I think the issue was that we made such a big deal out of vaginal sex and tried to force it too soon. I had no idea it would be so painful! It still is sometimes for me but we have gotten better and I think that by the third night, he was able to finish inside me.
Also, we should have done more to relax but we didn’t. Oh well, sex only gets better and better, live and learn.
It sounds like you might be a little like me in that things can get a little stuck in your mind and it is hard not to keep thinking about how you wish it would have gone instead of the way it did. A phrase I have picked up (in my efforts at cutting clutter, but it still applies): “let go of the old to have room for the new.” The advice about replacing the memory with better ones is good advice. Also, forgive yourselves for what you feel are your “mistakes” and try to remind yourself when the thought comes up that “should” is an arbitrary word you have applied to your picture of your honeymoon and it is irrelevant. Accept what “was”, be thankful for the good parts, acknowledge your sadness that there was anything disappointing, and then look for new experiences. (This is a mish-mash of things I have learned in therapy, a lot of reading, and my own experience.) One more thing: ask God to help you set it aside before it poisons anything for you. He wants you to focus on your three stranded thread, not one night in the past. Happy Anniversary in advance, because I know you are going to make the next one FANTASTIC!! 🙂