Wedding night regrets
Even thought my husband and I have been married for a couple years, we recently had a revelation about our wedding night. For me, sex was very painful and for him, he had a terrible time staying hard. It was not how I imagined it because he was so excited for sex!! He couldn’t stay hard, and he definitely did not go wild for seeing a naked woman for the first time in his life. He admits now that things didn’t look as he expected and he was taken back by it. I could tell. Anyway, I always wondered why in the world did he not go crazy for me, even if things weren’t what he expected. And he was always going nuts over my modestly clothed body while we were dating! And why couldn’t he stay hard, when he was inside me for the first time? Well, only a few months ago did it click for us. When we left our wedding venue and headed for where we’d stay for the night, my husband was so excited for sex, that we pulled off on a dirt road and I gave him a hand job to completion…. a couple hours before we tried to have sex again. *shakes head* Honestly we did not think that through and ever since we realized it, I’ve had regrets. I had dreamed about our wedding night for so long and then it was like, very disappointing. I often wonder how much better it could have been if we had waited, and he was wound up instead of very fizzled out. I know it doesn’t matter now, but sometimes I get to thinking about it and it stirs up regret and disappointment. I also admit that I am VERY sentimental about our wedding night so I think that has something to do with it.. Does anyone else have regrets? How do you get past them?
Ours wasn’t that great either. We didn’t wait for marriage which I felt guilty about and (still have to work through occasionally reminding myself that I am forgiven) and I had gone on hormonal birth control which killed my libido. I was also exhausted from the wedding and long drive to where we were staying so we didn’t even have sex but went to bed. We did take a bubble bath together in the jacuzzi tub that was in our room and he slowly took dozens of bobby pins out of my hair, that’s a memory of the night that I cherish. I do feel bad that we didn’t have much sex at all during the honeymoon or really the first three years of our marriage. I know that he was disappointed in our honeymoon and at the time I felt guilty that I didn’t have more desire and was the opposite of generous or adventurous. Thankfully God redeems, He convicted me of my selfishness and I also recognized how badly hormonal birth control effected me and went off it. I don’t really dwell on our wedding night anymore, I do have some lingering sadness about how it (and the first three years of our marriage) could have been better but I try to focus my energy on the present instead of dwelling in that.
Yes, we have regrets. Our wedding night does not carry fond memories. I was exhausted. My husband didn’t give me time or space to prepare myself, nor did he take my exhaustion into account. He wishes he wouldn’t have pushed or have been in such a rush to get to things.
How we moved past it….we forgave each other and actually have chosen to receive it and live in the forgiveness given. We have learned to laugh about it. We also use what we learned to try to help others. In God’s economy, our mistakes and our afflictions/hurts, are what He will use for our ministry to others and to comfort them.
God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose…. focus on the good He is using from it.
Don’t beat yourselves up over it. I know we would have had no clue about that because you often hear about guys who can go all night long. It’s probably a small percentage! Why not try to turn it into a happy memory and celebrate each anniversary with a hand job somewhere new or something along those lines. Or on your next anniversary, go back to your honeymoon location and have a do over, wearing the same clothes, wedding dress, lingerie or whatever.
We have no regrets. But I hear of many other couples that have. A few of the more common ones include
- being too tired by the time they get to having sex
- having drunk too much to be there fully for each other
- having already had their first(s) before that night
- being “all thumbs” not having a clue what they should be doing
- missing their expectation because they were holding too high expectations
Our Wedding night was a bust. Neither of us had a clue…After a few attempts at failing to get Tab A into Slot B, we gave up and went to sleep. Night 2 was about the same, but we just kept enjoying our honeymoon without worrying about it. Night 3 was the night when everything came together. I’m glad we didn’t make a huge deal out of it then. The only regret I had was the lame per-marital counseling we received. I think if someone had explained a few things better instead of being embarrassed, we may have gotten it the first night…But as I said, we just kept enjoying our time on the coast and let it happen when it did.
Our wedding night was also difficult to say the least. I was very nervous about having vaginal sex and he was eager/nervous as well. The foreplay was fun lol but the penetration piece was very painful for me so he couldn’t finish inside me (he felt bad that it was painful). So he finished on his own/with a little help from me but the next morning we just had outer-course and worked our way back up to penetration rather than forcing it to happen so quickly. I think the issue was that we made such a big deal out of vaginal sex and tried to force it too soon. I had no idea it would be so painful! It still is sometimes for me but we have gotten better and I think that by the third night, he was able to finish inside me.
Also, we should have done more to relax but we didn’t. Oh well, sex only gets better and better, live and learn.
It sounds like you might be a little like me in that things can get a little stuck in your mind and it is hard not to keep thinking about how you wish it would have gone instead of the way it did. A phrase I have picked up (in my efforts at cutting clutter, but it still applies): “let go of the old to have room for the new.” The advice about replacing the memory with better ones is good advice. Also, forgive yourselves for what you feel are your “mistakes” and try to remind yourself when the thought comes up that “should” is an arbitrary word you have applied to your picture of your honeymoon and it is irrelevant. Accept what “was”, be thankful for the good parts, acknowledge your sadness that there was anything disappointing, and then look for new experiences. (This is a mish-mash of things I have learned in therapy, a lot of reading, and my own experience.) One more thing: ask God to help you set it aside before it poisons anything for you. He wants you to focus on your three stranded thread, not one night in the past. Happy Anniversary in advance, because I know you are going to make the next one FANTASTIC!! 🙂
Wedding night was a Blur! We have both sat down and tried to recollect the events at the hotel suite but we always struggle with it because we were just so tired. We ate (starving from not eating at reception), then took a bath together, then is where it gets blurry… Obviously we made love but the details are limited (full belly + warm bath + exhausted = sleepy!) So my regret is not focusing on that moment earlier in the day to allow us more energy and time to connect intimately.
Our wedding night was a bust to a boom, well, more like a series of big booms. It took a short while to finger things out but then we were on our way! We had read our books, taken advice and put some of that to practice. We repeated our mistakes and had sex from about 11 pm through 2:30 am. What does it matter how good we were at it?