What advice would you give?
If I was speaking to the wife, I would tell her to start having regular sex. If I was speaking to the husband, I would tell him to start really truly listening to his wife’s heart cry.
Both ought to read “For Men Only” and “For Women Only”. Quit ticking each other off. Pray together every day, for each other and for your marriage and marriage bed. If needs be, find a mentor whom you may ask any questions you may have. And another huge one is to learn about responsive and spontaneous desire. Learn how and when to bring up topics you need to discuss with your spouse.
Here is my answer after reading @David clarification. Just because I choose to do things a certain way or see things in a certain lot does not mean that is the way DW would choose to do the very same thing or that she will see things my way. My way or the highway does not apply here. There maybe several ways to achieve the results desired by both partners. It’s all part of the process of earning and learning respect and accepting the other person’s views. Once I learned this about my marriage, I was well on my way to making significant progress in it.
This is a great way to self evaluate. I try to get out of me and look at things as an outsider every once in awhile.
I guess my answer is dependent on how old the other me is and at what point in the marriage he is in. If he is older I would seek out wisdom on how he has coped, what he has done to improve things, and what he would recommend for me to change. If he is younger I would give a few books to read, tell him to get some home projects started and finished, and most of all keep talking to his wife about sex and keeping it going not allowing time to elapse between encounters and making the wife do what is needed health wise so that sex would fly out of the relationship. If he is my age I would set up weekly or every other week meetings to give each other accountability and work out plans and schedules to accomplish goals. I would hope that no matter the age we could be friends and help each other grow to be better Christians, better husbands, and better fathers.
Excuse my abbreviated, short-cut answer. I’ve been tied up this week with “life” and am just now getting back to what’s been going on on this board before getting tied up again later today.
My DW and I raised 3 sons and lost our youngest 3 1/2 yrs ago to a drug overdose after a 19 yr struggle with alcoholism and addiction… although I always strove to teach our sons what I thought they needed to know as they grew up, including lessons learned the hard way from errors of both commission and omission, our experience with our youngest forced me to review the major events of my life (pre and post DW and our sons) and help put them all in perspective. My retirement 21 months ago afforded me the luxury of time to do that and it remains an ongoing process.
I’d summarize my answer as follows (which is exactly what I’ve re-doubled my commitment to do with our two living sons, now 41 and 39 and parents of our 4 grandchildren.)
- Accept God’s GRACE through complete faith in Jesus. Really, honestly believe that He has paid for your sins and don’t beat yourself up over your mistakes, yes, even the ones you committed in anger or pure selfishness. He’s got your back for ETERNITY.
- Because of #1, be as honest with God as you can consciously be and ask the Holy Spirit to show you the truth about your motives and desires as He will be.. find joy in His correction and the truth that when you submit and repent your fellowship with your living Lord Jesus is confirmed and strengthened. I found that my prayer life came alive – instead of a duty or dry obligation it is sweet fellowship that brings peace in the confidence that He hears me and will do what’s best, ALWAYS, even when I/we don’t understand it.
- Because of #2, be as honest with your spouse and your children (and grandchildren age appropriately) as you can be, even when it hurts or is embarrassing… and do the same in other relationships. Keep “the accounts” current by forgiving and accepting forgiveness.
- Recognize that every day of your remaining life on Earth is an adventure and an opportunity to partner with your Creator to make an eternal difference in someone’s life. If it’s not apparent, ask Him to show you where and who and expect Him to do it. He will share His joy with you – Jesus invites us to this higher fellowship and purpose – to share in His business as follows:
- John 15:14-17 (NIV) “You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.